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To not want them at our wedding?(188 Posts)
Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!
Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.
DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.
I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.
So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?
I'd agree with you, why would you want then there and make you feel shit on your wedding day.
But at the same time it could be an olive branch?
Also your fiance should get a say of sorts because they are his family..
I would not invite people who were that rude, no. But its his wedding too and his wishes matter as much as yours.
If your dp wants to invite them invite them, I assume you are hoping to have a wedding which isn’t restricted numbers so their invite doesn’t knock someone else off the list? It is also his wedding and they are his sisters even if they have been horribly atrocious to you. Were they hoping he would get back with his ex wife? Was there a short time between them splitting and you being introduced?
Telling you DP not to invite his sisters will be a bad move @Blacksheep99.
Sorry you said it was a year post divorce but did you know him before?
Ultimately they're his family and although they have been awful to you I would let him make the decision as to whether or not he wants to invite them. It's then up to them whether they want to decline and that way you're not the "bad guy" that drove a wedge in his family.
During the 6 years they've been ignoring you, what has been the reason given?
I'm not sure I'd bother inviting them either but ultimately I think I'd give my DP the final say.
I think it's your oh's call really although I completely understand why you wouldn't want to invite them - especially if it's a Covid wedding with limited numbers.
Your dp needs to talk to them before you start thinking about inviting them or not. They may stop being so difficult if they are made to realise that you’re getting married so you’re there to stay,and that your dp won’t tolerate you being disrespected.
If after they have been given a talking to and had an opportunity to make amends they are still being horrible, then you can with good conscience and your husbands blessing, just not invite them at all. The rift would likely be long lasting, but at least you and your dp will know that you have been gracious, and done all you could. On the other hand, they might decide its time to stop being silly, and then it would be nicer for them to be at the wedding.
I agree with you though, if nothing changes, they don’t deserve an invitation just so they can fine if they feel like it. Your starting point on who to invite should be about who is going to support you both and your marriage, not about giving out invitations just because of biology.
Hmm I certainly wouldn't want them there after how they've treated you but if you don't invite them it might just give them more ammunition. As you say they probably won't come anyway so maybe you should just invite them.
It should be entirely up to him. It's not as if he wants his ex there. They are his sisters.
If you insist on not inviting them, you'll only reinforce whatever is wrong.
Do you know why they behave like that towards you? Is it possible to meet them and have an honest conversation?
My own sister is not being invited to my wedding so I wouldn't be inviting them if they are rude and don't acknowledge you. Your OH should be supportive of this. Or at least tell them to wind their necks in.
You say you knew DP when he was married and then got together shortly after his divorce - it sounds perhaps like his sisters think you were the other woman and partially the cause of the marriage breakdown. Has DP been very clear that this wasn’t the case?
I think if you tell DP he can’t invite them it’s going to cause a family fall out and potentially resentment on his part. Invite them, you don’t have to have much to do with them on the day if they do attend, there will be so much else going on.
Two reasons - your dp wants to and because if you don't, it will show them that they are getting to you.
You keep control by inviting them. Not the opposite.
Are they going to come and ignore you though?
I’d invite them if you know they definitely won’t come! If they do come then they can’t ignore you, that’s going to make you feel awful and cause drama on your special day.
I wouldn't want to invite them - I assume it hasn't gone unnoticed with the other family that they are so very rude to you & so I don't think it would be a shock if they don't get an invite. I would be diplomatic and say there is an invite there for them - if they first acknowledge that you exist. Don't reward bad behaviour by bending over backwards.
I would ask your partner to speak to his sisters face to face about this, with his parents present. If the can't assure him they will start being welcoming then they don't get an invite and they know why.
Have you ever spoken to the sisters about this?
Don't invite them - it's likely they will accept, turn up, and then behave badly to spoil your day. Hasn't DP ever called them out on their rudeness to you? It's been six years!!!
I think if your OH wants them there then he needs to speak to them about their behaviour before you invite them. I'm shocked he hasn't spoken to them about it already.
It's not just your wedding though is it? It's your DP's too and it's up to him to back you, as his future wife, and sort out whatever the issue is.
If you don't invite them you'll be seen as the nasty person (they won't believe their brother was happy for them not to be there). You'll also risk alienating those who are supportive of you at the moment. You may even find the other members of the family decide to 'take sides' and not attend either.
It looks to me like no-one in the family is actually gutsy enough to confront them over their behaviour towards you. That's your DP's job as other people are obviously not impacted by their behaviour - he is so he has to sort this out.
Tricky one, but I think that the deal breaker for me would be that my DP didn't have my back in regards to his DSis.
If my siblings refused to acknowledge my DP and couldn't even be civil for my sake, it would be ME that wouldn't want them at my wedding.
I actually think you have a DP problem that you need to address before you get married.