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AIBU?

To not want them at our wedding?

188 replies

Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 10:28

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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GeorgesGreenDinosaur · 12/04/2021 13:07

@Blacksheep99

When I say he’s not really seen them, I mean on a one to one basis. We’ve both been at family gatherings but just been ignored (him too) by them

Why is this even a debate then?

They don't speak to either of you, enrich or add value to your lives.

Don't waste your time or money on these people, concentrate on those who make you happy.

I have no idea why so many people on MN try to force relationships with vile people just to keep the peace, his sisters obviously aren't bothered about it.

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AmyLou100 · 12/04/2021 13:07

Asking them why they have a problem with you is not the same as telling them that they need to be civil with you if they want to maintain a relationship with him.

I truly would not marry him unless this was resolved.

Issuing ultimatums about what people should do is bad advice. He cannot control their actions but only his own. He needs to treat you much, much better. Keeping the peace is for his benefit at the expense of respect for you. I would get this sorted with him first.

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Notaroadrunner · 12/04/2021 13:07

@Blacksheep99

When I say he’s not really seen them, I mean on a one to one basis. We’ve both been at family gatherings but just been ignored (him too) by them

If they ignore him too then there's no way I'd invite them. They'll hardly start to like you just because they're invited to the wedding. Are you going to stand in family photos and have them scowling in the background, or refusing to stand near you? Fuck that! They don't respect you as their brothers partner, so they don't deserve any respect in return.

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Billandben444 · 12/04/2021 13:08

I agree that he needs to sit them down and try and sort it out. If they're not prepared to start afresh then he needs to tell them that they won't be invited as he supports you 100%.

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username12345T · 12/04/2021 13:12

You've been together for six years and his sisters have refused to acknowledge you for six years. I would not invite them to the wedding as they will continue to treat you badly. He has also shown you that he will not stick up for you. You've experienced this before marriage so don't be surprised when he doesn't have your back throughout the marriage and would rather not rock the boat for an easy life (for himself). Their behaviour is very hurtful, not acknowledging someone is rude and bullying behaviour.

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Lostinthemail · 12/04/2021 13:12

@LongTimeMammaBear

Invite them. Be sure your ILs know you both have invited them. Be very clear on the RSVP date. If they don’t rsvp, I’d comment (or DP) on that to IL casually so the IL are aware no rsvp (or rsvp not coming). You’ll have taken the high road and will show the SILs as taking the low road.

Additionally, by inviting them, if at some point in the future there is any type of overtures of friendship, the not inviting them would not be a an issue. Let them be the ones to have acted wrong all along. Shows you in the best light

I strongly disagree. These people have spend six years pretending the OP doesn’t exist, calling her a golddigger along the way. No need to take a moral high road or show yourself in the best light. Life is way too short to put yourself out for people that don’t deserve it. You don’t get a happy life by playing these kinds of games. Invite people you love and who love you.

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MiddleParking · 12/04/2021 13:18

Personally I think going out of your way to not invite the groom’s sisters to a wedding is going to give them potentially a lot of airtime and opportunity to spin this badly against you both. I’d be more inclined to invite them and behave as if they’re his great aunts - duty invites in which you’re thoroughly disinterested. But I can understand why you wouldn’t want to invite them.

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Palavah · 12/04/2021 13:20

I can't imagine why either of you would wany to take up guest space with people who will ignore you or be rude to you at your own wedding.

If other family members kick up a fuss about the sisters not being invited then your partner can address that with them before/when the invitations go out.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/04/2021 13:23

In all honesty, I agree with your DP on this - you have to invite them, but then it's up to them whether or not they come.

I say this as one who also had to invite a sibling who can't stand me to my own wedding, to keep the peace in the family. I wasn't sure whether said sibling would come, but they did - and said about one thing to me the whole day.

Didn't really affect me adversely, I certainly didn't stress about it - would have been worse if they'd made any kind of scene, but that didn't happen, thankfully (not their style).

So yeah, for form's sake, invite the feckers but then ignore them as much as they ignore you. Put them on a table at the back of the room if you don't want to see their sour faces!

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GeorgesGreenDinosaur · 12/04/2021 13:24

@MiddleParking

Personally I think going out of your way to not invite the groom’s sisters to a wedding is going to give them potentially a lot of airtime and opportunity to spin this badly against you both. I’d be more inclined to invite them and behave as if they’re his great aunts - duty invites in which you’re thoroughly disinterested. But I can understand why you wouldn’t want to invite them.

Spin away bitches!
They don't see or speak to them so what difference does it make?
I wouldn't be inviting them to what should be a happy day, keep the negativity away.

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Hhusky · 12/04/2021 13:27

This is a tricky situation and I'm sorry you find yourself here. You're not being unreasonable not to want to invite them but in your shoes I would go ahead and invite them and let them decide if they want to come. Doesn't mean you need to make any effort for them but inviting them means nothing can ever be cast up to you in the future regarding their invitations.

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Daphnise · 12/04/2021 13:29

Your DP is much too weak with these women.

You could say that if asked, and they refuse to acknowledge you, that you then expect him to minimise all contact with them afterwards.

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Heysiriyouknob · 12/04/2021 13:35

Christ, this sort of thing is just plain nasty.

I really sympathise OP.

I had the same thing with Dh sister. When we met he had just split with a GF. Nothing serious, they had been seeing each other for 6 months and they broke up the weekend before he met me. His sister went fucking ballistic when he said he was seeing me. Very classily posting all over Facebook that his ex was always going to be in her children's lives (Dh was as she had only met his sister and nephews once out of a car window when they passed them in the street).

We got married a year later. I invited her because she is Dh family and I was a grown bloody woman on my second marriage so can't be arsed with drama. sil spent our wedding being nice as pie to my face but posting really horrible photos on Fb tagging Dh ex (I'm about ten stone heavier than her so it was all really nasty stuff about my appearance and how much better she would've looked). She accidentally tagged Dh in one.

They didn't speak for 5 years. It was me who made him mend his relationship but she's always been frosty to me.

She's getting married this year and guess who isn't invited? Me or my Ds from a previous marriage.

I'm letting it slide as our 7 year old is a bridesmaid and very excited, so her and Dh will go.

Just found out by accident that the whole family (I thought I got on well with PIL) don't want me there anyway.

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Gumbo · 12/04/2021 13:35

DH's sisters were vile to me and still are before we got married... apparently I was only after his passport (despite already having my own one of the same country). We eloped - I highly recommend it!

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Heysiriyouknob · 12/04/2021 13:37

Sorry - meant to say I would've have them there. My day will always be tainted because of SIL. Don't give the the opportunity to do that to you.

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daretodenim · 12/04/2021 13:39

Invite them. Be the bigger person.

Then seat them at separate tables with strangers by the toilets/kitchen/emergency exit.

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Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 13:40

I have thought of just getting married abroad and not having anyone there but it seems so unfair on all my friends and family and all the rest of his family who are wonderful, kind people.

Weddings are meant to be a celebration of a couples love...I don’t see why you’d want people there that quite obviously don’t celebrate your love.
I don’t think dp even really wants them there...he just doesn’t want to upset his parents and I completely understand because they’re lovely people.

OP posts:

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MixedUpFiles · 12/04/2021 13:41

If you have a family wedding and exclude them, it’s basically the nuclear option. There is no coming back from excluding his siblings from the wedding. It will create a permanent rift in the family. What you have right now is not good, but there is still the potential for improvement some day.

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AryaStarkWolf · 12/04/2021 13:43

@Blacksheep99

He’s only seen 2 of them once in 6 years and the other one a handful of times. He’s made it clear to them he thinks they’re all out of order. He only tries to remain civil for his parents sake really.

jeez, they sound horrible

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Peach1886 · 12/04/2021 13:43

run away just the two of you (or with a couple of close friends) for the actual wedding so that no one's behaviour can spoil your special day, and then have a big party for everyone else afterwards.

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MaryIsA · 12/04/2021 13:44

@Awrite

Invite them.

Two reasons - your dp wants to and because if you don't, it will show them that they are getting to you.

You keep control by inviting them. Not the opposite.

this, When they go low, you go high.

Make sure you have lots of your friends and family there so you can have a really special day.

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harknesswitch · 12/04/2021 13:44

I wouldn't invite them, best case scenario it goes ok, worst case scenario, they could end up ruining your day.

Why would you invite someone who ignore you anyway?

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TotorosFurryBehind · 12/04/2021 13:45

Hang on a minute....why hasn't your DP had a word with them about them being so rude to you all these years?

I think that's your real problem here.

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MaryIsA · 12/04/2021 13:45

your husband's family will have noticed this behavour - you not inviting them will have wider ramifications.

(DH;s sister in law still not talking to us 3 years after a particularly bad wedding invite mishap - and she's right not to.)

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Marriagegoingtoimplode · 12/04/2021 13:47

@Macncheeseballs

Or invite them and put them on the kids table

This made me lol 😂

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