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AIBU?

To not want them at our wedding?

188 replies

Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 10:28

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/04/2021 11:37

@Awrite

Invite them.

Two reasons - your dp wants to and because if you don't, it will show them that they are getting to you.

You keep control by inviting them. Not the opposite.

Said perfectly^

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GCAcademic · 12/04/2021 11:38

You've started two threads on this under different usernames, OP.

Both are getting replies: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4217439-To-not-want-them-at-my-wedding

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BrilliantBetty · 12/04/2021 11:41

Second marriage for both of you? I'd just hop an a plane and have it abroad just you two and parents or a v v small group.
Avoiding all the drama.
Or something equally small in this country.

You can't win, really. You invite them and it's horrible or you don't invite them and your the cow not inviting his own sisters to your wedding. Weddings are such a ball-ache, especially big ones and it seems a bit unnecessary for a 2nd (sorry).

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Allwokedup · 12/04/2021 11:50

I could understand why you wouldn’t want to but it’s up to your husband. Why hasn’t he read them the riot act already?

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LagunaBubbles · 12/04/2021 11:55

Why on earth hasn't he spoken to them before this?

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KoalaOok · 12/04/2021 11:56

I think DP should talk to them about it before invites are sent. Just calmly, he's noticed they don't seem to like you and would they prefer not to be invited to the wedding?

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Youseethethingis · 12/04/2021 12:04

Why would he want you to feel uncomfortable on your wedding day by inviting people who have made it quite clear they despise you and your relationship?
Why would he want to give them another chance to snub you?
If he won’t speak them and sort them out the very least he owes you is to keep them at arms length

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Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 12:04

Thanks everyone. He has spoken to them before and they don’t like me apparently because I’m 12 years younger than him and they think I’m with him for money....

Which I’m not, in any way shape or form.
They’ve said to his parents that they couldn’t understand why ‘someone like her’ would want ‘someone like him’
Which to me, shows how little they know about their brother.

OP posts:

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GabsAlot · 12/04/2021 12:05

Why has he not sorted this out in 6 yearsif dh sisters didnt talk to me he wouldnt have anyhting to do with them

what if they come and ignore you at your own wedding and cause a scene

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Lostinthemail · 12/04/2021 12:05

I would firmly rethink marrying someone that doesn’t have my back. If he doesn’t think they shouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t want to marry him. They don’t have to be your best friend or even like you, but being polite and acknowledging you exist would be mandatory to me for a wedding invite and it should be for your partner too.

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HeckyPeck · 12/04/2021 12:17

I would not stand for my siblings treating my partner/husband like this. (Thankfully they wouldn't as they aren't arseholes.)

If I were your DP, I wouldn't even consider inviting them.

I can't understand why he's allowing them to be so rude to you and thinks you should have them at your wedding.

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Anydreamwilldo12 · 12/04/2021 12:22

Tell your partner to ask them if they get an invite will they come. Simple!

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brushlaptop · 12/04/2021 12:40

To be honest I wouldn't invite them 🤷‍♀️

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Macncheeseballs · 12/04/2021 12:47

Or invite them and put them on the kids table

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GeorgesGreenDinosaur · 12/04/2021 12:51

You have two problems here, a sister problem and a DP problem.
Your DP needs to have a bloody serious chat with his sisters, you've been together for 6 years now and their treatment of your is totally unacceptable.
Your relationship has nothing to do with these women.
They need apologise and realise that you are together for the long haul, you don't have to be best friends but as family they need to be civil and stop behaving like children.
I would seriously be considering not inviting them to the wedding unless they change their attitude and I would get my DP to tell them why.

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Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 12:53

He’s only seen 2 of them once in 6 years and the other one a handful of times. He’s made it clear to them he thinks they’re all out of order. He only tries to remain civil for his parents sake really.

OP posts:

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EasterEggBelly · 12/04/2021 12:54

I would firmly rethink marrying someone that doesn’t have my back

Same. This issue isn’t going to disappear.
I personally wouldn’t want them there. I find it surprising that he does considering how they treat his wife-to-be.

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AmyLou100 · 12/04/2021 12:55

Your update justifies it enough! Don't invite them. You want good energy on your day.

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ThanksItHasPockets · 12/04/2021 12:56

@Blacksheep99

Thanks everyone. He has spoken to them before and they don’t like me apparently because I’m 12 years younger than him and they think I’m with him for money....

Which I’m not, in any way shape or form.
They’ve said to his parents that they couldn’t understand why ‘someone like her’ would want ‘someone like him’

Which to me, shows how little they know about their brother.

Asking them why they have a problem with you is not the same as telling them that they need to be civil with you if they want to maintain a relationship with him.

I truly would not marry him unless this was resolved.

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Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 12:57

When I say he’s not really seen them, I mean on a one to one basis. We’ve both been at family gatherings but just been ignored (him too) by them

OP posts:

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stackemhigh · 12/04/2021 12:59

Definitely don’t have them.

They’ll cast a a shadow on the day.

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LongTimeMammaBear · 12/04/2021 12:59

Invite them. Be sure your ILs know you both have invited them. Be very clear on the RSVP date. If they don’t rsvp, I’d comment (or DP) on that to IL casually so the IL are aware no rsvp (or rsvp not coming). You’ll have taken the high road and will show the SILs as taking the low road.

Additionally, by inviting them, if at some point in the future there is any type of overtures of friendship, the not inviting them would not be a an issue. Let them be the ones to have acted wrong all along. Shows you in the best light

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roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 12/04/2021 13:00

Of course you shouldn't invite them. What is he thinking? He wants to invite 2 women who've been nothing short of awful to you to your wedding. He needs to tell them, they would've been invited but they have been so horrid to you he assumes they wouldn't come and that would make matters worse. He needs to explain to his parents- if you have an issue take it up with them, they are the cause of the problem not you. But he needs to person up and change the narrative.

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GCAcademic · 12/04/2021 13:00

Well, he needs to have another conversation with them then, now that you're getting married, along the lines that a PP posted:

Your DP needs to have an honest conversation with them and say that his DSis have obviously been ignoring you for 6 years and don't consider you as part of the family, so now is a good time to decide whether the wedding can act as a clean slate going forward or whether it settles once and for all that they'll (DSis) never want a relationship with you.

The answer to that tells you whether to invite them or not.

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Lostinthemail · 12/04/2021 13:03

@Blacksheep99

He’s only seen 2 of them once in 6 years and the other one a handful of times. He’s made it clear to them he thinks they’re all out of order. He only tries to remain civil for his parents sake really.

There’s remaining civil and inviting someone to your wedding day. Your partner is a coward. You’re both not invited to anything they arrange, but he wants to invite them so nobody gets upset. He should be civil towards his soon to be wife and not invite people that behave terribly towards her!

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