To not want them at our wedding?

[Blacksheep99]

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

[Folklore9074]

Another vote for killing it with kindness.

They sounds like idiots but if money and capacity aren't issues then take the opportunity to be the bigger person and invite them.

It sounds like they probably won't come anyway but you've done all you can and you only need to give them the most passing of greetings on the actual day, just surround yourself with friends/family - even charge a close pal with keeping you away from them.

If money or capacity are issues though, sod them, and use restrictions/covid as an excuse, making all the right sounds about what a shame it is they can't be there etc.

Not sure I'd go down the route of talking to his parents about this as it'll just get back to them, cause drama, become a 'he said, she said' thing which will probably end up being a stressful side show in the run up to your big day.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Be careful.

Not inviting them will give them the fodder they want. They can then run around painting an awful picture about about you and saying you are unreasonable.

Invite them. Then they will look like shits for declining to attend their brother's wedding. Or they may attend. You will be so busy all day you won't have to spend any time with them anyway.

Could I ask why their parents haven't called them out of their behaviour? They must have noticed.

[AskingQuestionsAllTheTime]

We had eighty guests at our wedding reception (the actual wedding was on the previous day in another town with five people present including the priest, who was a close friend of ours) and that made an average of about three minutes per person for me to talk with them. There were many I didn't have time to talk to at all, and at least three I wasn't sure had even been there until I saw the photos afterwards.

[saraclara]

Seriously, be pragmatic here. Do you want to have a nice stress free wedding? Then invite them and mostly ignore them. Because it's highly unlikely that you'll have a good day if you dictate to your husband that they can't come. He'll be stressed about it, half the family won't come because of your decision, the other half will feel guilty that they have, and absolutely no-one will have a good time.

The posters shouting that you don't have to it up with this, aren't the ones who'll be dealing with the fallout, remember.

[WildCherryBlossom]

If you don't invite them you will never, ever make amends with them. There will be an even bigger, permanent rift.

I would invite them and hope that it might be a time to make peace with them.

[HaveringWavering]

Why would they come if they hate the idea so much if you anyway? Be the bigger person, invite them and let them be shamed by the guests who are there and do feel happy for you.

[TidyOmlette]

I wouldn’t have anyone who treated me that way at any event of mine regardless of who they are or who they are related too.

Your DP shouldn’t even be considering asking them knowing how they have treated you and the fact he hasn’t sorted it before now speaks volumes. Sorry OP

[Charm23]

If I were you I would not invite them. I'd also be getting my DH to sort them out as it's just plain rude to it ignore you, they can at least be amicable, they don't have to like you to be polite.

[WombatChocolate]

There is a balance between being pragmatic and looking for the family to move forward positively, and being a doormat who accepts this awful behaviour and has it present without any challenge on her wedding day.

To ignore the sisters behaviour and say not a word and invite the sisters and pretend the whole issue isn’t and hadn’t happened seems cowardly and not pragmatic to me.

Making a big scene about it and refusing to invite the sisters fullstip probably isn’t wise either.

Addressing the issue with a conversation before issuing invites seems the grown up thing to do. Hopefully then, the sisters can say they are willing to behave decently and would like to be invited and it can be a good chance for everyone to move forward. But if they aren’t able to say that or intend to ignore the bride in her wedding day and make things unpleasant, then really it’s best they aren’t there.

Being the bigger person is almost always good. In this case it’s being magnanimous and forgiving and being willing to move on. It isn’t pretending the issue doesn’t exist or allowing it to continue at ones wedding.

[Mooda]

Definitely invite them. Keep the moral high ground. If they don't come it's a win win really - you look like the bigger person and you don't have to tolerate them at your wedding. If they come and it's a large enough wedding, you will hardly see them anyway. They sound awful but if the rest of the family are decent it's worth keeping the peace for them and for future relations I think.

[MaryIsA]

Wedding threads on Mumsnet always go like this - your day so you call the shots etc etc.

It's not just 'your day' though, it's starting a whole life together and joining two families together. You have to navigate your way through that for the next 20 or 30 years.

Don't start it by having an avoidable drama. Invite them, if they come, be polite but essentially ignore them.

[YouokHun]

Are the future PiL and other family members aware of this pretty organised campaign against you @Blacksheep99? It seems like lots of people in the family are glossing over the problem or ignoring it and leaving you undefended over the assumptions they’ve made about you. I think the PiL and your DP need to call them out and robustly defend you and dispute the assumptions they’ve made. Those sisters sound like they’ve been allowed to run with something for years. I personally would want this sorted first. Your DP shouldn’t put his parents sensibilities above yours.

[saraclara]

Addressing the issue with a conversation before issuing invites seems the grown up thing to do. Hopefully then, the sisters can say they are willing to behave decently

In your dreams, would that happen without other members of the family being drawn in. Even suggesting that they might not be invited would cause ructions.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

@Macncheeseballs

Or invite them and put them on the kids table

This is evil genius!

[haliborangemrmen]

If your DP wants to invite him, then of course he should. They are his family, and he loves them regardless of current upsets. Perhaps he feels it might be a way to heal the rift. It might be, it might not, but the gesture will be appreciated by the wider family. Sometimes it is better to be the bigger person, and I think this is one of those times.

[theleafandnotthetree]

All this talk of 'maybe they think you're the OW'. Even if they did and even if it were true, isn't it time they got past that and behaved like grown-ups? They sound like a gang of teenage girls. It is particularly annoying if this is what they think and it hasn't impacted their relationship with their brother, he would be the one who had cheated.

[hardboiledeggs]

Always extend the invite, be and look the bigger person

[PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat]

@Blacksheep99

Thanks everyone. He has spoken to them before and they don’t like me apparently because I’m 12 years younger than him and they think I’m with him for money....

Which I’m not, in any way shape or form.
They’ve said to his parents that they couldn’t understand why ‘someone like her’ would want ‘someone like him’
Which to me, shows how little they know about their brother.

No, I don't buy this. Not after six years. There is something more to this vendetta, and whether or not your fiancé knows more than he is letting on he sounds remarkably passive in the whole situation - as are his parents, who are enabling the sisters' behaviour.

I feel like I'm reading a prequel to one of the very regular threads in Relationships where the OP is at the end of her tether because her DH once again cannot or will not stand up to a toxic family member and defend his own family. Except in those cases by then there is always at least one child involved, and the OP is frightened to leave because it will mean giving up control over access to the children. Think very, very carefully before you marry into this, OP, especially if you are planning a family.

[DontBeRidiculous]

So they think you're after his money, and yet they're sometimes snubbing him, too? That doesn't sound like the behaviour of loving sisters who are concerned about their brother's emotional and financial well-being.

I agree that he needs to have a discussion with his family. If his sisters will agree to stop snubbing you (for his sake, if not for yours), I'd be okay with inviting them. Otherwise, I'm not sure... I don't see the sense in pretending everything's fine with them when it's so obviously not, but I wouldn't want to stop him from inviting his own family to his wedding.

I'd say it's also time for him to speak privately to his parents about the problem with his sisters. They may wish things were all sunshine and sweetness in the family, but it's not, and ignoring it does no good. I wouldn't want to invite the sisters just to please his parents, if that's the only reason he's thinking of inviting them.

[KihoBebiluPute]

The wedding shouldn't be the forum for establishing whether your stbDH's sisters are going to behave like decent people. Your wedding day is too special and important for that.

You and your fiance should host a special event with them, some time before the wedding, to give them an opportunity to get to know you and to make friends with you. Your fiance should make it clear to them that this is an ultimatum - they can either accept you and start behaving properly, in which case they get invited to the wedding and continue to be part of your lives, or if they choose not to take that opportunity that is their perogative, but in that case they need to understand that they are asking him to choose between you and them, and in that case then he chooses you. They do not get to continue to be part of his life while snubbing his new wife, and they certainly don't get the opportunity to spoil your wedding so their decision time needs to come at least 6 months before the wedding day.

[BonAmi45]

Invite them, let them decline and that will say more about them than you.

[Chamomileteaplease]

It's your wedding day, not these women's day. No way should you be made to feel uncomfortable on your special day!

And I don't see why not inviting them has to cause a rift in the family - there already is one!

I would sit down with your fiance's parents and explain that it would be not only ridiculous but possibly, very upsetting to have these women at the wedding. Reiterate all their behaviour if you have to. Have a chat and hopefully they will agree that it is perfectly not to invite them.

I mean after all, if you look deeply into why, there is no reason at all.

[Blacksheep99]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. I feel like everybody is making good points, on both sides! That’s what’s making it so tricky. He used to be so close to all 3 of his sisters and unfortunately the 2 younger sisters have followed the older sisters lead in not liking me.
There is no background I’ve left out...they just don’t like me! 🤷‍♀️ Which is odd seeing as they’ve never spoken to me and know very little about me. It’s not even that they hoped my dp would get back with his ex wife, they didn’t really get on with her either, apparently.

We won’t be having any children together, we already both have children and we’re happy as we are in that respect.

I think DP is hoping that a wedding invite will drop through their door and they’ll suddenly realise they love me and they’re so happy for us and the day will go wonderfully and we’ll all be best mates afterwards.
As much as I’d like to think that would happen, it won’t. I’m a grown woman with my own children, a good job and I love and look after their brother. I don’t appreciate being ignored...I’d much rather they grew up and told me what their problem is so it can be resolved. I’m not sure I’d trust them not to do it on our wedding day though!

[BlueDahlia69]

Inviting the Witches of Eastwick to your Wedding is a sure way to ruin your day, having them sat there in judgement sneering at everything, reporting back to the ex wife, gloating at how it wasn't like the first wedding.

I'd rather enjoy my Wedding surrounded by people who actually like us as a couple, not liking one half and loathing the other half of the couple, but thats just my opinion OP, Im sure it varies vastly from others.

[rwalker]

Your not close so nothing to lose by being honest with them no falling out you don't have to like anyone because they are linked to family.

I would give PIL heads up kept it civil don't start slagging them off .

He need to speak to them no falling out just tell them he's getting married they don't approve which is fine so lets not pretend and invite you to a wedding you wouldn't want to go to .