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AIBU?

To not want them at our wedding?

188 replies

Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 10:28

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Thewinterofdiscontent · 12/04/2021 14:22

How old are you all? Are you planning on having children with him?

Personally if you are older I don’t think it matters what they think really they can just suck it up. It’s not worth massive drama on your part. It’s 3 less at Christmas.
If you are planning on kids your DH needs a chat as obviously the wider family becomes more relevant.

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I0NA · 12/04/2021 14:22

@EasterEggBelly

I would firmly rethink marrying someone that doesn’t have my back

Same. This issue isn’t going to disappear.
I personally wouldn’t want them there. I find it surprising that he does considering how they treat his wife-to-be.

This.

What else will he do to “ keep the peace “ and “ for his parents sake “?

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WombatChocolate · 12/04/2021 14:23

I’d agree that he needs to chat with them before invitations are issued.

He needs to chat with them and say you are getting married. He needs to say he hopes they will support him in his choice. He needs to acknowledge that so far they haven’t been inclusive to you but actually deliberately excluded you. ( If he isn’t willing or able to do this, I would be worried about the future to be honest.). He needs to say that you’d like to have a full family wedding and to invite them, but can only do so if they are going to be pleasant to you on both the day and afterwards. He needs to ask them if they would like to be invited or not.

If they are willing to say they will be pleasant from now on, both before, during and after the wedding, then I think it is a good opportunity, even if it sticks in your throat.

If he’s not willing to actually have this conversation and address it, I would be worried about the future and his willingness to fight your corner. He must put you first as his wife. He must be willing to defend you against unpleasant behaviour. If he won’t do it now and won’t do it for your big day of your wedding, there are some serious problems.

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dobidobidooo · 12/04/2021 14:23

Not inviting them will just give them
More of a reason to hate you and they will more than likely use it as ammunition against you. Invite them...and hope they don't come!

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Devlesko · 12/04/2021 14:25

Just tell him because of the way you have treated them they aren't coming.
He should be telling them why they have no invite, he must know how they make you feel.

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Lostinthemail · 12/04/2021 14:26

@Blacksheep99

I have thought of just getting married abroad and not having anyone there but it seems so unfair on all my friends and family and all the rest of his family who are wonderful, kind people.

Weddings are meant to be a celebration of a couples love...I don’t see why you’d want people there that quite obviously don’t celebrate your love.

I don’t think dp even really wants them there...he just doesn’t want to upset his parents and I completely understand because they’re lovely people.

Are they though? Because they’ve raised terrible bitches and aren’t correcting them now.

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Devlesko · 12/04/2021 14:26

I mean how they have treated you. x

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YoniAndGuy · 12/04/2021 14:28

I would not agree to invite someone to my wedding who had chosen to be actively unpleasant to me.

Not in a million years.

I wouldn't expect my fiance, someone who presumably loved and card for me, to expect me to put up with that either.

If the person in question was a family member of his, the question wouldn't be whether they were goign to be invited, it would be where the hell my fiance's loyalty and sense of fairness had been up to now.

His choice here came way before this. His choice should have been to call out his sisters BIG TIME and tell them straight that I had done nothing to them and if they were going to be bitches and snub me, then he wouldn't want to know them either. What kind of loving sister would put a brother in that position, be so unpleasant to her borhter's choice of partner for no reason?

He's sat on the fence, hasn't shown you loyalty, hasn't called out bad behaviour towards him - they're his sisters, why are they causing issues for him like this?

If he wanted to invite them to the wedding under these circumstances, I'd be politely declining to marry him until he'd sorted out where his loyalties lay, and also until he'd found that backbone.

NEVER marry a man who doesn't have your back when it comes to nasty family members.

Maybe he needs more time to sort this little issue before you get married, hey? :)

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WombatChocolate · 12/04/2021 14:31

It simply must be addressed as an issue before any invitations are given.

6 years of being ignored is a long time. You cannot have a wedding and wedding invitations to these people and pretend it hasn’t happened. It must be addressed by DH. And if he won’t because he wants an easy life or doesn’t want to rock the boat with other family members, he is not husband material.

You would be perfectly entitled not to want people who have Ben unpleasant to you at your wedding, even if it would cause family tension. It’s your wedding and not a day to please wider family who don’t like you.

It depends on whether you want to develop a relationship with them. You might feel that 6 years is too long and it’s behind saving. Fair enough. If you feel like that, I think he should respect it. If you think there’s a chance to move this forward and you want to, the wedding could be an opportunity. BUT a conversation has to happen BEFORE the invitations and not after they’ve gone out and certainly not at the wedding.

If these women are unable to agree to be pleasant to you now and into the future and accept their brothers choice to marry you, then they and other famiky memeners cannot be surprised if they are not invited. It will be down to them.

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billy1966 · 12/04/2021 14:44

Agree with @YoniAndGuy and why haven't the so called lovely parents had a word with the coven?

There is nothing as unattractive as a weak man afraid of standing up for his wife.

6 years 🙄.

You deserve better OP.

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MindyStClaire · 12/04/2021 14:51

Invite them. Not inviting siblings to a wedding is a big move, and not one that's easy to come back from. It'll create big drama within the family and possibly a split if people take sides. If your DP wants to do that, it needs to come from him, not you.

Take the high road, invite them, treat them with cheerful indifference on the day.

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HedgePutty · 12/04/2021 14:52

Seriously don’t invite them. It’s your day, if anyone asks why they weren’t invited don’t cover for them. Just say they don’t speak to you so weren’t invited.

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MiddleParking · 12/04/2021 14:55

I find it incredibly weird for adult women to be so bothered about their DB’s choice of romantic partner. Like they fancy him. Gross.

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1forAll74 · 12/04/2021 14:58

Your,soon to be Husband, will probably want to invite the Sisters, as a matter of family duty, but knowing full well about the situation, that they all have issues with you. I wouldn't want them at my wedding in this case. It will be difficult for your partner to be engaged in any decisions as such, as he isn't so emotionally involved like you are about the Sisters who all shun you..

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Trixie78 · 12/04/2021 15:03

My husband and I made an agreement that our wedding day was ours and neither of us would invite anyone that made the other uncomfortable, no matter who or why. It was a fab day full of love. Suggest this, you should both feel comfortable and relaxed with ALL the guests there.

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saraclara · 12/04/2021 15:05

Option 1 Let your fiance invite them, and if they come, treat them as you would anyone that you barely know, and have a lovely day

Option 2 Don't invite them, have the run up to your day revolving around a family split and your PILs' distress, have some treasuries and friends take sides and refuse to come. Have your day spoiled.

I'd go for 1, personally.

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saraclara · 12/04/2021 15:06

Ffs. Relatives, not treasuries

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Trixie78 · 12/04/2021 15:06

@MindyStClaire

Invite them. Not inviting siblings to a wedding is a big move, and not one that's easy to come back from. It'll create big drama within the family and possibly a split if people take sides. If your DP wants to do that, it needs to come from him, not you.

Take the high road, invite them, treat them with cheerful indifference on the day.

I honestly couldn't disagree more. His sisters have already caused a family rift, that ship has sailed. They regularly refuse to invite OP and DH to events. It's not OPs responsibility to keep the peace in her husband's family. Set the ground rules now. You will not be treated like s**t, if you don't you will have this for the rest of your life. It's your day, there's no nice way to say this but fuck them.

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AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 12/04/2021 15:06

Blacksheep99
DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them.

and

He’s only seen 2 of them once in 6 years and the other one a handful of times. He’s made it clear to them he thinks they’re all out of order. He only tries to remain civil for his parents sake really.
When I say he’s not really seen them, I mean on a one to one basis. We’ve both been at family gatherings but just been ignored (him too) by them

Perhaps the thing to do might be for you and your DP to talk this over with their and his parents? For one thing, they need to know (if they don't already -- they may not have reaslised) that their daughters have decided to be so consistently unpleasant to both you and your DP, and for another they may be able to help by finding out whether his sisters would not come if they were invited, or at least by making sure they RSVP in good time.

Them invited and you knowing they are not going to come seems to me to be the best possible outcome, and it may be that the people who can make this happen are their parents.

If you, he and they are all invited to BBQs and family get-togethers and two of them have managed to avoid him at all but one of those, is that because those two don't turn up, or because they manage to be at the far end of the garden the entire time? If it's that they don't turn up, there's a good chance they won't turn up for your wedding either. It seems to me your main risk is that they may get pressured (possibly by his parents, which is why you need to talk with them about this) into coming to your wedding only because that would be polite, and that would be a really stupid outcome for everyone.

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LibbyL92 · 12/04/2021 15:06

Be the bigger person and invite them. Kill them with kindness.

They need to bloody grow up. If they don’t show up to your wedding he can drop them.

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WombatChocolate · 12/04/2021 15:09

I’d be so disappointed with my prospective husband if he thought it was okay to just let their behaviour pass for 6 years without addressing it. I’d be horrified if he wanted me to go to my wedding day knowing there would be guests there who would quite likely ignore me and detract from the day for ME his wife-to-be.

Here does living you and cherishing you fit in here?
There might be the potential for this to be addressed before the invitations go out and if OP is feeling pretty generous and willing to let bygones be bygones, to see this as an opportunity to move forward for the family. But this won’t just magically happen and will need a direct conversation from DH to address it.

The idea that they just be invited and then OP can ignore them, as they ignore her,is daft. It’s her wedding day. The idea that they must be included regardless of behaviour is daft. The idea that it is necessary for all the family is daft.

It does make me wonder about this whole family. Where are other members of the family such as DHs parents in all this long 6 years of Op being ignored. It cannot be possible that no-one else has noticed. Is this a family that are emotionally stunted or lacking in the ability to communicate, if it has just been allowed to pass and people now think the wedding invitations should be sent without the elephant in the room being addressed?

Sorry, but this family and this man don’t sound like much of a catch to me. The issue with the sisters needs addressing. It should have been addressed far sooner. These things don’t just go away and people need to address them. I couldn’t bear to be in a family who would pretend something like this wasn’t happening, rather than face an awkward conversation. And I’d be ashamed to be part of a family that allowed this to happen to an incoming member. Terrible.

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tinkerbellvspredator · 12/04/2021 15:14

I suggest you and DH going to your PILs and talking to them about the dilemma. They know the situation and you can say you're dreading if the sisters come to your wedding and ignore you how bad that would make you feel. However you do want to give them the option of an invite. Hopefully either PIL agree that it's best not to invite them, or PIL agree to talk with their daughters about whether they want to attend / and if yes get a promise they would behave normally both at the wedding and at family events.

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sage46 · 12/04/2021 15:20

At least invite them , if they refuse it will make them look petty, mean spirited and ridiculous. If you don't invite them they will have a stick to beat you with forever. Take the moral high ground, chin up and call their bluff.

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readingismycardio · 12/04/2021 15:22

My example might be a bit dramatic, but hear me out: I didn't want FIL at my wedding but I never said anything to DH and we obviously invited him. He was so nice at the wedding and no incidents happened. Two months later he died. I can only imagine how DH would feel knowing he wasn't invited at our wedding and he died soon after. They are his sisters...

So what if they'll ignore you? You won't even have time to see them on the day, trust me

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Babygotblueyes · 12/04/2021 15:24

Agree with the comments about your DPs job here. He has to make a stand or not. And if it is not supportive of you then that is another issue.

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