To not want them at our wedding?

[Blacksheep99]

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

[AryaStarkWolf]

@TotorosFurryBehind

Hang on a minute....why hasn't your DP had a word with them about them being so rude to you all these years?

I think that's your real problem here.

he has if you read all the OPs posts

[Lweji]

just been ignored (him too) by them

Ah, if that is the case, I'm not sure why he wants to invite them, except for what we'd call in my country, a "white glove slap".

They are not likely to go, anyway, and I'd still leave this decision entirely up to him.
The last thing you want is to be accused by him or them of being on the way of their relationship.

[forrestgreen]

They don't invite you to things but your dh will invite them to the wedding?

Is your dh expecting them to accept and be fake lovely to you on your wedding day, how would he feel if they came and blanked you on your special day.

[BlueDahlia69]

No I wouldn't invite them.

[19thNamechange]

Elope.

[Rustygriswold]

Kill them with kindness.

They’ll either give up their drama and start being nice to you, or shoot themselves in the foot by missing their beloved brothers’ wedding just because they don’t talk to you.

I didn’t invite one of my sisters. She’s a horrible person. And my only brother declined the invitation (as well as a third of the extended family, but that’s another story! )
It didn’t matter, I since learnt my brother is quite vindictive and has form for this sort of thing, and our wedding was great regardless.

But you need to find out why the sisters have ignored you all this time. Perhaps the ex wife fed them lies about you and they need to be corrected?

Just invite them and see what happens.

[partofyoupoursoutofme]

I feel for you, they sound awful!

In your position I would invite them. If you don't invite them they will blame you for the discord, and it will all be your fault for the rest of time. If you invite them, grit your teeth and pretend everything is wonderful, they won't have a leg to stand on and any issue they have looks very petty to anyone else.

Rise above it, you won't regret it. Spend your wedding day with the people who love you, and feel your moral superiority every time you glance in their direction.

[AliceMcK]

@MumW

Tricky one, but I think that the deal breaker for me would be that my DP didn't have my back in regards to his DSis.
If my siblings refused to acknowledge my DP and couldn't even be civil for my sake, it would be ME that wouldn't want them at my wedding.

I actually think you have a DP problem that you need to address before you get married.

This definitely. I can’t believe others are saying it’s his wedding too and they are his sisters. If family is that important to them the sisters wouldn’t point blank ignore you. Your DP should have asked them a long time ago what their problem was and that for his sake and the family they needed to treat you with respect. And now he has chosen you to be his family, he should 100% not want to invite anyone who treats you this way.m

I would 100% not invite them, if DP has a problem then he needs to have it out with his sisters that they are not invited because of the complete lack of respect they have shown for your relationship.

[Viviennemary]

Don't invite them.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"But you need to find out why the sisters have ignored you all this time. "

OP has. They object to her being 12 years younger than her fiancé, can't understand why she's with him unless it's because she's a gold-digger.

Says a lot more about them than anyone else.

[Youseethethingis]

If you invite them, grit your teeth and pretend everything is wonderful
This sounds like such a lovely, relaxed, joyful wedding day
I’d rather be morally inferior and have zero tolerance for people who are horrible to me.

[Becstar90]

Would not happen. If they don't care enough about you to even acknowledge you then they don't deserve a invite to something they wouldn't even like happening anyway.

[GreenTeaPingPong]

If your fiance wants to invite them then that's his call. Better to do the right thing, otherwise you'll look like the baddie who's causing tensions in the family. You can politely ignore them at the wedding.

[Rustygriswold]

@ThumbWitchesAbroad Oh I see. I haven’t read the whole thread.

Ah well then, it’s a petty reason and not worth pivoting around the drama.
I’ll echo @partofyoupoursoutofme in that you may as well go ahead and invite even to your hen do too, and if they don’t turn up for either, don’t fret it, it all sounds like nonsense.

Be dignified, warm and friendly, and if they try to engage you for trouble walk away quietly.

[Palavah]

@Rustygriswold

Kill them with kindness.

They’ll either give up their drama and start being nice to you, or shoot themselves in the foot by missing their beloved brothers’ wedding just because they don’t talk to you.

I didn’t invite one of my sisters. She’s a horrible person. And my only brother declined the invitation (as well as a third of the extended family, but that’s another story! )
It didn’t matter, I since learnt my brother is quite vindictive and has form for this sort of thing, and our wedding was great regardless.

But you need to find out why the sisters have ignored you all this time. Perhaps the ex wife fed them lies about you and they need to be corrected?

Just invite them and see what happens.

Those arent the two scenarios. There's a 3rd which is that they turn up and it detracts for OP and her Husband on the day.

Don't invite them, let everyone know that as they've never spoken to you despite family gatherings, and they've stated they believe you're a golddiggeer, you didn't think it was fair to put them in the awkward position of declining the invitation

[billy1966]

@Lostinthemail

I would firmly rethink marrying someone that doesn’t have my back. If he doesn’t think they shouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t want to marry him. They don’t have to be your best friend or even like you, but being polite and acknowledging you exist would be mandatory to me for a wedding invite and it should be for your partner too.

Why are you marrying someone who is allows his sisters to treat you like this.

If he so much as says 'Hello' to his sister's that are treating you like this, the message he is sending them is that it is ok.

I cannot understand why anyone would want to marry someone that would do that.

[WalkinginMemphis2]

Park the wedding for now. I think you and DP then DP and his family need a really, really frank conversation about this. It’s bullshit you say it doesn’t bother you anymore but I bet it does and it’s now causing you agro with your wedding.

You say they don’t like you, but if they’ve never so much as acknowledged you how can they not like you, if you don’t like someone you’ve never even spoken to then you are quite clearly a massive bellend!

Now obviously the relationship is never going to be repaired but I do think you need to use the wedding as a springboard to try and make it more harmonious and at least call them out on it.

Are they pals with DP’s ex? Are you sure they don’t (wrongly quite clearly) think you were the other woman?

[fabulousathome]

I would definnitely invite them because it just might heal the problem and if it doesn't then you will know where you are.

They will also have offended DP so maybe he will change his behaviour to them too.

It will be crunch time.

[someonelockthefridgealready]

I'd want DP to talk to them again and say you need to suck up and start treating Blacksheep respectfully as she is the partner I've chosen. Then if they pull their socks up, fine invite them to the wedding. I can't stand this kind of stuff though and am prepared to take the consequences with other members of the family.

It also depends to me on how many people are there. If you're planning on 200, OK, but if you're planning on 30 guests, that's a high proportion who won't speak to you.

[Palavah]

@MaryIsA

your husband's family will have noticed this behavour - you not inviting them will have wider ramifications.

(DH;s sister in law still not talking to us 3 years after a particularly bad wedding invite mishap - and she's right not to.)

Why would it? The sisters' rudeness hasn't.

[DiscoGlitterBall]

Wedding drama - I’ve not known one to escape. You need to resolve this between you and your DP and then sit down and explain your decision to his parents.

Not only will they have noticed, but his ‘d’s are likely to have made their feelings know to their parents too. They should hopefully understand, because why anyone would want to invite someone to their wedding day who hasn’t acknowledged them in six years?

They shouldn’t have their cake and eat it insomuch as they can’t be excluding you then expect to be included in your special day.

[nancywhitehead]

I would say this is up to your partner really, as they are his sisters. If he wants them there then he has a right to invite them. If he's just doing it as an obligation then it's worth a discussion about how you feel.

However weddings are such emotional (and weirdly political) events. Sometimes it's not worth rocking the boat - you will be having a wonderful time anyway and on the day you probably really won't care either way :)

[Boringnamechanging]

I invited my grandparents to my wedding because my mother wanted to do the right thing and not exclude them. I did because I respect my mum and she asked me too. If they had refused to come it wouldn't of bothered me one bit. If they kicked off I'd of told them to leave (as would a lot of other people)

I spoke maybe 10 words to them when the wanted to be in some of the photos. It had no effect on me all day as I had the other 150 people I wanted there to talk too. They were exceptionally rude to my dh when he went up to speak to them (because they had no clue he was the groom) he understood even more why I don't have a relationship with them. I haven't spoken to them since (in six years) and never had any intention too so and they will never meet my children.

So if you can (without ruining your day) out of respect to your partner and his parents be the bigger person and invite them. If they kick off at your wedding then it only reflects on them and you will gain more support from the wider family.

[MargosKaftan]

Invite them.

If they agree to go, stick them on separate tables, away from your eye line on the top table. Put them next to at least one person you know well enough to brief them to keep conversations light.

Be prepared for last minute dropping out. (Another reason not to put them on the same tables, 3 tables with a couple missing is easier for a venue to spread out the other places to hide, but one table missing 6 people will stand out).

On the day, thank them for coming, move on to next person. Dont give them any more head space than that.

[EverythingRuined]

His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me

He’s only seen 2 of them once in 6 years and the other one a handful of times

These two statements contradict each other (unless I’m reading it wrong).