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AIBU?

To not want them at our wedding?

188 replies

Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 10:28

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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LadyEloise · 12/04/2021 17:56

Have you and / or your dp spoken to his parents about their daughters's rudeness ?
Do they condone it ?

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Youseethethingis · 12/04/2021 18:02

Maybe a big family dinner to celebrate your engagement would be a good way to test things?
If they refuse to attend or attend and act like arseholes you know where you stand and you don’t need to use your wedding day of all days to test whether they can behave appropriately or not.

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PlumsInTheIcebox · 12/04/2021 18:06

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them.

What have these lovely relatives done about their daughters / sisters / nieces’ behaviour, though? In any vaguely functional family someone would have taken them to one side and told them to pack it in and behave by now. They’ve spent six years enabling this treatment of you - and I include your DP in that.

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Lostinthemail · 12/04/2021 18:11

Is your husband rich? Are they hoping he stays single so there’s an inheretance for them? Since they think you’re a golddigger I wondered if théy might be the golddiggers.

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Blacksheep99 · 12/04/2021 18:12

His parents have had words with them. His mum has been in tears to me on more than one occasion saying how upset she is that they behave this way. She can’t understand it and has made it clear to them that she doesn’t like it. They’re all grown women though...not much their parents, or anyone can do!

OP posts:

Thanks

rwalker · 12/04/2021 18:18

Reading update about PIL perhaps Might be being too simplistic it's all out in the open you all don't get on so not being invited should really be an issue
If they challenged you just say you don't like me never occurred to me that you would want to come.

Thanks

DadOfTheMoment · 12/04/2021 18:18

@Blacksheep99

Hi, I’ve NC for this as it’s quite outing but I’ve been around a while!

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now. We’ve known each other longer but got together a year or so after he divorced his wife. I was never the OW and had never spoken to his wife before.

DP brothers, parents, aunties, uncles etc all welcomed me in to the family straight away, have been nothing but lovely to me since I met them. His 3 sisters on the other hand have never spoken to me, ignore me at parties, weddings, bbqs and if we bump in to them somewhere.
They’ll hug and kiss everyone else, chat to everyone else but never, ever acknowledge me.
I’m not bothered anymore, I can’t be arsed with drama and they don’t impact my life at all...but obviously I feel sad for my DP (they still talk to him) but we’re not invited to anything they arrange, because of me.
DP proposed about a year ago and due to Covid we’ve only recently started thinking about the wedding. He’d like to invite his sisters and then “It’s up to them if they want to come or not” I don’t want to invite them...they’ve made it quite clear they don’t like me so I don’t see why we should.

I don’t want to cause upset within the family, especially not to DP or his parents because they are lovely and genuinely make so much effort to make me feel welcome and part of the family.

So what do I do?? Invite them to keep the peace knowing they probably won’t come anyway or not invite them so I keep control of the situation and they’re aware I don’t want them there anyway?

Invite them. Not doing so gives them the upper hand. Give them a decision to make!

Alternatively, make the main event a small one and invite them to the evening do only?

Thanks

DelphiniumBlue · 12/04/2021 18:22

I can understand why you wouldn't want them, but if you don't invite them, your name will be mud forever.
I think DP should speak to them, individually, and say that they are his sisters, of course he wants them to come to his wedding, but he doesn't feel it would be right for to him invite them while they are not acknowledging you. He can explain that his wish and hope is that they would put out a hand in friendship to you, as he is serious about you, and he would like not to feel so stressed by the situation. That it's a big issue for him, and that they are upsetting him, and ruining their relationship with him. That if they want to have any relationship with him at all, they need to accept you.
And then wait and see what happens.

Thanks

Lostinthemail · 12/04/2021 18:26

@Blacksheep99

His parents have had words with them. His mum has been in tears to me on more than one occasion saying how upset she is that they behave this way. She can’t understand it and has made it clear to them that she doesn’t like it. They’re all grown women though...not much their parents, or anyone can do!

Of course they can. They can and should ban the bitches from their house if they misbehave to a guest, in this case you. There are absolutely no consequences to their rude behaviour.

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GarlicMonkey · 12/04/2021 18:36

Be careful. My (now ex) SILs didn't speak to me & it's because they knew their brother was a domestic abuser. They handled it by blanking me because the other alternative was being disloyal to their brother by telling me. Took 13 years for the abusive behaviour to start & it started with a vengeance. After he was eventually taken away by the police they all came round & apologised for not telling me, said it wasn't their place to & they'd have felt awful keeping that secret if we'd become friends. I showed them the door. The damage was done & they could have prevented it but chose not to. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation but were I ever in that place again, I'd be having a very Frank discussion with SILs to find out why they were acting that way.

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PlumsInTheIcebox · 12/04/2021 18:38

@Blacksheep99

His parents have had words with them. His mum has been in tears to me on more than one occasion saying how upset she is that they behave this way. She can’t understand it and has made it clear to them that she doesn’t like it. They’re all grown women though...not much their parents, or anyone can do!

Of course they can. You don’t have to be a child to be held accountable for your actions.

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forrestgreen · 12/04/2021 18:39

I've thought of a plan.

When lockdown eases more, invite siblings and pil for a lovely meal at your house. Make a big deal of it but no surprise as to why.

And who turns up gets an invite, if they cba on an every day occasion why would you want to celebrate with them. You'd look round and see their faces like slapped arses. At a receding line they'd kiss your dh and walk past you??

Thanks

Boood · 12/04/2021 19:00

@Blacksheep99

His parents have had words with them. His mum has been in tears to me on more than one occasion saying how upset she is that they behave this way. She can’t understand it and has made it clear to them that she doesn’t like it. They’re all grown women though...not much their parents, or anyone can do!

Well, that suggests that your PiL would understand and not hold it against you if you didn’t invite them- so you’ve got nothing to lose but the unwanted presence of people who don’t support your marriage at the celebration of your marriage. Leave them out!

Thanks

worriedatthemoment · 12/04/2021 19:37

Has he ever spoken to them and asked why they ignore you ?
When my mil was awful to me before me and dh married he spoke to her and addressed it

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worriedatthemoment · 12/04/2021 19:39

And no I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding who ignores me no matter who they were ? Why would you

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Cadent · 12/04/2021 19:40

Were they territorial about DH before you got married?

My friend had something similar, all the sisters gated her. And then some bad stuff happened to two of the sisters (divorce, etc) and then they wanted to be close to my friend.

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Tara336 · 12/04/2021 19:48

I’m in a similar position to you, younger and on the receiving end of nastiness from 2 relatives of DP. I was not OW he had been divorced 6 years when we met. We are marrying soon and have chosen to elope to avoid the nastiness, he didn’t want anyone from his side there at all and I’m fine with how we are doing it. Why do people have to assume that because you are younger you are automatically a gold digger? I’m the financially secure one of the two of us so it’s bloody laughable really. It just so happens I love the man! Simple as that! Don’t invite them, they would only spoil your day, enjoy it and be happy.

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GabsAlot · 12/04/2021 20:01

so why is it keeping the peace when they know what their daughters are like

they will understand

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stoopider · 12/04/2021 20:09

Whatever you do is going to be difficult. There’s no win here. I’d suggest inviting them to the evening only not the ceremony. Then that’s a halfway gesture. I would also word the invite differently

“DP would like to invite you to the wedding of....”

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saraclara · 12/04/2021 20:12

@worriedatthemoment

And no I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding who ignores me no matter who they were ? Why would you

Because it's your fiance's wedding too? Or does the groom not count in a wedding?

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Runmybathforme · 12/04/2021 20:25

I would be really upset with him if he wanted to invite people who had treated me so rudely. Yes, they’re his sisters, but you are about to become his wife. Perhaps he could sit down with them and thrash it all out ? At least find out what their problem is. If they can’t be civil to you, why should they be invited ?

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MeanWeedratStew · 12/04/2021 22:35

Christ, my mother would skin me alive if I were rude to a sibling's partner. Both my parents, actually, would tell me not to darken their doorstep until I could behave like an adult.

The passivity from your fiance and his parents is upsetting. It really doesn't seem like they're in your corner. These bitches need to be read the riot act, not this hand-wringing "what can we do, they're faaamily" bullshit. Your DP should speak to each of them and tell them that if they come to the wedding, they are expected to behave respectfully toward the bride, and if they don't, they'll be asked to leave. Then he needs to follow through and cut them off entirely if they do anything to spoil your day. No exceptions.

OP, a man should put his wife first, even above his family of origin. Do you believe he will do this? I'm worried for you, marrying into a family in which three members bully you without consequence.

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Bluntness100 · 12/04/2021 22:41

Your posts are quite contradictory op. If he’s only seen them twice in six years how are they consistently ignoring you? What you mean is on the two occasions you were present in an event where they are thy did not acknowledge you?

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TippledPink · 12/04/2021 22:49

@Bluntness100 OP said they have only seen them 1 to 1 a couple of times, but have seen them at family events several times where they ignore her.

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Bringonspring · 12/04/2021 22:56

I’d invite them, revenge enough for them to watch you marry him

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