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To Refuse To Marry?

(300 Posts)
boggyd Sat 23-Jan-21 13:01:25

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

OP’s posts: |
MarieFromStTropez Sat 23-Jan-21 13:04:09

How much savings does your partner have? I am assuming considerable, given their high income?

VettiyaIruken Sat 23-Jan-21 13:05:25

I would not even consider marrying someone who was aiming to be financially supported by me!

He gets a visa and a cushy life while he faffs about with his 'art'. You get bills, responsibility and what? Company? Sex?

Sod that.

Also, he doesn't want kids but do you?

RosesAndHellebores Sat 23-Jan-21 13:06:01

Clearly you would be marrying for all the wrong reasons. The balance in the relationship has changed and you do not wish it to be permanent with the new status quo. Presumably your partner knew he would lise his visa when he gave up his job. I find it incomprehensible that the pair of you did not thrash it out before he resigned.

VettiyaIruken Sat 23-Jan-21 13:06:55

Sorry, I put he cos I was thinking of it from my pov and mine is a bloke.
He, she, they, replace as required.

SchrodingersImmigrant Sat 23-Jan-21 13:07:24

No. If you don't agree your partner will not have to lrave country. They will just have to sort their status. Either by working and then gaining indefinite leave and subsequent citizenship or by some other route. Like ither immigrants did.

No one should be pressured to marry for papers. You are obviously not happy with it so don't do it.

SchrodingersImmigrant Sat 23-Jan-21 13:08:06

Sorry for typos

Merryoldgoat Sat 23-Jan-21 13:09:10

Well. I think that if you marry then yes, to a greater extent, assets should be joined.

However, I’d be worried about such an about turn. Why can’t the artistic pursuits be done as a hobby? Especially as there are no children.

I also don’t think 8 months of living together is long enough when there are some clear chasms.

Why do your assets outstrip theirs so significant if you previously had equitable salaries?

In the situation you describe I wouldn’t get married as it would feel like I’d been presented with a fait accompli which feels like manipulation.

Divebar Sat 23-Jan-21 13:09:52

No mention of love there

Aquamarine1029 Sat 23-Jan-21 13:10:05

You would be a fool to marry him. He gets 100% of the benefit, while you take all the risk. No fucking way. Don't do this.

Merryoldgoat Sat 23-Jan-21 13:11:11

I also feel like there’s an intention to misguide us regarding the genders of the partners. My post remains unchanged regardless of the combination of genders.

SchrodingersImmigrant Sat 23-Jan-21 13:12:07

Yeah. Whichever gender, they should be taking responsibility for their own visa in this case, not going "shall we marry so I can not work ft"

Mycatismadeofstringcheese Sat 23-Jan-21 13:12:16

Marriage doesn’t sound like it is in your best interests.

Why can’t he work at his job / possibly reducing hours and pursue his interests in his spare time like everyone else has to?

LittleBearPad Sat 23-Jan-21 13:12:52

Why can’t he apply for a proper visa - presumably he has funds given his previous high paid job?

Marrying when there seems to be little discussion of love seems only to work for him, not you.

Blackberrybunnet Sat 23-Jan-21 13:13:42

If you have any doubts at all, then you shouldn't do it.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 23-Jan-21 13:14:38

He/she is being highly unreasonable to expect to quit work and be supported by you without your express and enthusiastic agreement. This is what life would be like.

Do you want children? It’s one of life’s greatest deal breakers so if you do then obviously split up instead of getting married.

ScaredOfDinosaurs Sat 23-Jan-21 13:15:05

You're absolutely doing the right thing. Strangely I'm in a similar situation with my partner, except he is British and no visa issues. Also slightly different in that we have kids, and the loss of his high paying job wasn't a choice, industry was destroyed by covid.

I agreed to support the family while he retrains and works part time around that, but I gave a flat no when marriage was brought up recently. We were both higher earners for years, except I am a saver and he has little to show for it.

Since no kids are involved here, it's an easy choice for you- don't do it, you could lose half of everything if it went wrong.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 23-Jan-21 13:15:27

He wants to stop working so he can fart around doing his "art?" On your dime, because any money he has won't last forever. Sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

Grobagsforever Sat 23-Jan-21 13:16:17

I would be very careful, he does sound like he wants to sponge off you.

JaimieLeeCurtains Sat 23-Jan-21 13:16:47

Are you really ok that she / he is unwilling to have children?

thepeopleversuswork Sat 23-Jan-21 13:18:55

Don’t do it.

I married for a visa. We were “in love” but that was the fundamental driver. I have regretted it for 15 years.

It sounds as if he positioning himself to be dependent on you. It’s not worth it.

icelollycraving Sat 23-Jan-21 13:20:14

You say he doesn’t want to have children, do you?
Personally it’s a no brainier to me. My mum has supported her artist dh since meeting him. Although there was no visa involved, she has forever been chasing his artist dreams to keep him happy and stimulated. She has gone from having a modest home and good job to now living in a rented flat with him. All her hard earned money long gone. She loves him but there’s no mistaking her frustration.
I wouldn’t sign up officially to support another adult. Particularly one who is capable of supporting them self but after a short time living together, the pursuit of their art is so enticing.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants Sat 23-Jan-21 13:21:17

I’d also make sure I was on cast iron contraception in this case...

PicsInRed Sat 23-Jan-21 13:22:02

"Artistic pursuits". 😂 Wealthy girlfriend he simply must marry in order that she might "save him". 🤣 Absolutely classic cocklodger you have there, OP, a real live one sighted in the wild.

You'd be certifiably mad or daft to marry him.

Noconceptofnormal Sat 23-Jan-21 13:22:49

Interesting that many pp assume a female posting about a man. I'm guessing if is the reverse, a man trying to canvas mainly female opinions. Or could be same sex relationship of course.

Regardless, if sounds like you would be a fool to marry your partner.

But I'm confused as to why a prenup wouldn't be watertight? If assets acquired before marriage and no children involved?

As pp says your partner will just have to wait until they have citizenship through other means before they give up their career.

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