To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

So your partner gets fully supported by you in what seems to be a very good lifestyle as you have assets and high paying job, they pursue their artistic ideas, they get a visa for the UK, and they potentially half of all your assets. What do you get? It's quite one sided isn't.

Apart from all that you haven't once said you how you love them, that you can't bear to be parted. Perhaps you don't feel this way at all. Personally on the basis of what you said I'd want to break off for a bit. May be the long distance thing was great, but it's run it's course. They certainly seem to be up for taking everything you have!

Nope I wouldn’t. Make it female. Nope.

6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa How were they intending to support themselves if it had been something that you hadn’t wanted to support them with?

We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider. What made you reticent before discovering the financial stuff?

My partner is unwilling to have children How do you feel about having children? You have to work on the basis that they will never change their mind, so is this a deal breaker?

If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country. Could you do long distance? Would you want to go with them?

I married somebody who I had significantly more assets than and I put the house that I paid a very large deposit on in joint names as joint tenants. I found that if we divorced early on we would both be more or less put back into the positions we were before marriage and if we divorced after a long marriage well by then I believe he would deserve his fair share of our joint assets.

But getting married for a visa? Absolutely not. I thought the UK had visas for unmarried partners now anyway?

Your OP is quite pragmatic so it should be faily easy to see that your doubts are well founded.

Even if you were senselessly head over heels, unable to think in love, this would set off alarm bells.

Don't do anything until you have had some time out, alone to think it all through. If the benefits TO YOU do not outweight the issues as outlined then you need to end the relationship.

Defintitely don't get married just for the Visa!

Also, he doesn't want kids but do you?

OP quite carefully avoids specifying the sex of either partner.

My partner is unwilling to have children

Not "we have no plans for children"?

Implication here is that you do want children. Is that correct? Its a big difference to address before marrying something, I would suggest you both work out what your life plans are and work out if they are compatible before committing.

Just don't. The visa is an issue, but can't your partner get an artist's visa? (or is that something i dreamed up)

In your shoes I would not be very enthusiastic either. I would not do it.
Also, it seems they are the ones imposing their wants (wants to stop working, wants to be an artist, wants to be married to you for visa purpose...). What about what you want? These sound like really bad reasons for getting married.

Pre-nup? Suggest you talk to a lawyer. I have no idea how well these things hold up in court should he/she try to take you to the cleaners.

Visas, finance, inheritance, law, property, have nothing to do with a lifetime heart-and-soul commitment between two people.

If it wasn't for ( current circumstances and politics) would you have ever wanted to give up your single-person autonomy and independence to be married/ lifetime-committed (to anyone at all?) . Think about "if not, why not".

If the answer is "no, not really" then go with your gut feeling. Don't.

I would not marry for that reason. But I would also expect partner to support themselves while pursuing artistic interests eg work part time. I would be encouraging I would be willing to pay more than my share of meals/holidays while they were on lower income but I would expect partner to feed, cloth and pay towards house.

I would not marry. They've voluntarily given up their means of independently holding a visa, and you're already thinking about divorce and pre-nups. No no and no.

It sounds as if he positioning himself to be dependent on you. It’s not worth it.
That was my thought too.

But I'm confused as to why a prenup wouldn't be watertight? If assets acquired before marriage and no children involved?
They aren't legally recognized in the UK.

Of course it's not unreasonable

But would it matter if it was? You don't want to marry. The end.

Doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table.

It would be bizarre if the OP revealed themselves as male talking about a female partner if the opinions then suddenly changed into "marry and support her, you bastard" given that really long thread recently from the unmarried woman with 3 children in an 18 year relationship where her male partner, with significantly more assets, won't marry her. Reactions on there were - well, that's silly of you to be in that position, in his position i wouldn't marry either.

He basically needs to stay in his job and save until he has enough cash to follow his artistic persuit.

He could always work part time in his job and work part time on his creative persuit

Dont agree to marry him

"Visas, finance, inheritance, law, property, have nothing to do with a lifetime heart-and-soul commitment between two people."

Marriage is a legal contract, the heart and soul stuff is irrelevant.

A partner insisting you financially support them and who doesn't want the same things you do (children)? I think your relationship is nearing the end as regardless of how much you love them, your needs and goals are incompatible and resentment will build on both sides.

The visa and the disparate levels of wealth are secondary issues.

Is it absolutely definitely certain that your partner has had this high-earning job in the UK? It is odd to give up such a position in defiance of sensible considerations of needing money in older age.

Only you know whether your partner might have engineered a situation which would create an imperative for marriage. Are you certain that there isn't an ulterior motive for marriage based on wanting to get a visa and actually having no other means of acquiring one?

Is your relationship REALLY a good one?

If it were good then your partner would not be choosing to create a situation where you have to get married to keep a visa, in circumstances where you have not considered getting married before. What does your partner bring to this relationship?

According to our immigration solicitor, you don’t need to be married to be on a partner visa. Your partner would qualify under the second one. No need to marry.
“You must be able to prove one of the following:

• you’re in a civil partnership or marriage that’s recognised in the UK

Or

• you’ve been living together in a relationship for at least 2 years when you apply

Or

• you are a fiancé, fiancée or proposed civil partner and will marry or enter into a civil partnership in the UK within 6 months of arriving”

No, I wouldn´t do this. It sounds like you partner has potential to benefit greatly from it while you have the potential to lose a lot. Artistic endeavors can take years to become profitable, if at all. You could potentially be supporting this person for the rest of your lives. If your partner wants to quit his/her job and pursue artistic endeavors, then that is their choice, but they need to find a way to make it work without forcing you into a situation you don´t want to be in.

You could always go back to having an international relationship if partner didn’t want to work

If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
No, he won’t. Don’t need to be married to get a partner visa.