To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

@2bazookas

""I would like to have children in the future, but biologically I understand that I could wait at least 10 years to do that."

That suggests you're in your 20's. Dangled on a romantic long distance string for four years since hardly more than a kid.

Is your partner is a great deal older than you ? It sounds as if they know exactly what they have to gain by marrying a naive young UK woman. They seem to know their legal way around Brexit, British law, immigration, visas and citizenship.; far better than you do.

On the pretext of being an (untrained) artist they have become your dependent, in order to pressure you to marry. Marrying a UK citizen is the gateway to a visa, LTR, British citizenship; free access to the NHS, and the rest of the UK state benefit system.

You've been groomed; now you're being backed into a corner at the registry office.

That's bit of a reach tbh...

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

When a man lives in a woman's house, he often does fuckall except live there for free and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Women (in situations like this,) are not layabouts anywhere near as much as men are!
Who wouldn't if they are allowed🤷🏻

No. Gender has nothing to do with this thread anyway. Even if he/she was keeping the house spottless doesn't make a difference in this case.. It shouldn't in any case, honestly. "My wife/husband wants to give up her job" "Well she/he will clean so it's ok". No. Not ok.

However, I agree that the gender secrecy IS annoying as fuck.

[axile234]

If you can't marry out of pure love for the Partner. Without thinking of money and who earns more than the other and who's going to be better off out of it . GAME OVER

[HerMammy]

Be honest with yourself, would your partner be following this 'artistic dream' if you weren't a high earner?
You're a meal ticket.

[FortniteBoysMum]

Your partner does not want children, you would be taking on financial responsibility for them and supporting their wishes. What exactly is in this for you? I would be sceptical because how do you know they intend to stay with you? Pre nups are not law in the UK so in a couple years once they don't need you to be able to stay in the UK they ask for a divorce taking half everything you got on top of you having supported them all that time. Don't get married for the sake of a visa. If you meant so much to your partner they would have stayed in their job even if they hated it knowing that it is what keeps them here with you.

[Mumbum2011]

Sounds like too much of a compromise on your part. You want (or want to consider) children- your partner doesn't. They want to quit a well paying job to follow their passion- fair enough but you shouldn't have to financially support that. The marrying only for a a visa is another different dimension. Depends how much you love them and how much you're willing to compromise. Based on what you've said I would walk away.

[Binglebong]

OP the idea of getting married should be filled with excitement. You are currently wondering if you should. That is no basis for a relationship.

[C152]

I wouldn't get married in your position, OP. There's nothing in it for you at all.

If other options - long distance relationship, both of you moving to another country (if your work allows it) etc., are not a possiblity, then frankly I would break up.

[TooYoungToNotice]

Tell your partner that you've been inspired by them and you are giving up your high paying job to work part time on minimum wage and spend the rest of your time volunteering for charity. It's your new passion.

Tell them you are completely inflexible on this plan and that you definitely want children.

It will probably be quite enlightening to find out what they feel their duty to you is.

[Circumlocutious]

@littlepattilou

The point is though, that when a hetero-couple are together (not married/no kids,) a woman in a man's house will often be pulling her weight with domestic duties, and if she is working, will contribute with buying food etc..

When a man lives in a woman's house, he often does fuckall except live there for free and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Women (in situations like this,) are not layabouts anywhere near as much as men are!

And what would your analysis be if OP and her partner were both women?

[Hankunamatata]

OP you see very different futures from that of your partner. Do not marry him. You have no duty. He made his own choices. You want kids and he doesnt. That alone inwould call it a day.

[Hankunamatata]

What alarms me about your situation if that he was completely inflexible about giving up his job and expecting you to support him. Was it even a discussion. You are doing all the bending. Wouldnt we all love to pack our jobs in

[trevorandsimon]

Why don't you suggest to your partner that you want to give up your job and are expecting them to support you! See what they say then?!

The idea is preposterous that they think it's ok to just be a kept man/woman when you have to work and keep them! Do they think they are royalty?

[Noconceptofnormal]

I feel that your partner should have taken responsibility for their visa situation before jacking their career in. It's not for you to solve that issue by marrying them and I'd be very suspicious of someone who had that intention.

Whether you and your partner are make or female it smacks of them seeing you as a meal ticket, knowing that you're clearly very wealthy and biding their time until they can guilt trip you in to marriage.

I'd be very wary if it feels like there is even a grain of truth in that.

[Merryoldgoat]

Sadly I did not fully understand the implications of marriage when my partner quit their job.

Someone with upwards of £1m in assets didn’t fully understand the implications of marriage? Really? And you’ve already supported them to give up their job before doing your research?

Ffs. I suppose it shows money doesn’t buy common sense.

I stand by my first post - getting married in this situation is foolhardy - adding in you wanting children and them not and you’re asking for unhappiness.

[LolaSmiles]

The point is though, that when a hetero-couple are together (not married/no kids,) a woman in a man's house will often be pulling her weight with domestic duties, and if she is working, will contribute with buying food etc..

When a man lives in a woman's house, he often does fuckall except live there for free and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Women (in situations like this,) are not layabouts anywhere near as much as men are!
Ahhh right I see. So women don't have to pay towards a man's housing costs because they do the washing up, but a man should have to pay towards a woman's mortgage and costs because he probably wouldn't go to the supermarket and wouldn't do the dishes.
Gees, we're in 2021 and financial independence is being linked to who does basic chores.

But to use the same logic trotted our by those who say 'but men would have to pay rent if he lived alone so he should pay a woman rent to live in her house'... 'surely a woman would be cleaning her own house and buying her own food if she lived alone'.

Assuming no children, it's either reasonable for a partner to pay towards a house that isn't theirs or it isn't. What a step backwards to say if you have a vagina then you should be financially subsidised by your partner because you're a good egg who'll do the laundry.

[Ellmau]

Separately, it doesn't sound as if your DP's artistic endeavours are going to work out anyway. In a relatively short period, unless you are bankrolling them to be a housewife/husband, they will end up going back to a normal job

What’s your basis for saying that? They could be massively talented and if they can succeed now

What the OP said about them having no formal training and little practical experience. Sounds like a pipe dream to me tbh.

Creative work doesn't often pay financially even if someone is super talented.

[BlueThistles]

Do not marry this person 🌺

[blobblob]

It is quite refreshing to see marriage considered on the basis of a legal contract for a change. So many people go on about love and weddings without thinking it through.

In your shoes OP I wouldn't marry. If after 8 years you really do want to start with kids (and he/she doesn't) then you will have to get divorced - the spouse will get half the assets. You will have a child, (maybe with someone else or alone) that you will need to support. Your high flying career will take a hit. You will need your money.

There are other ways your partner can address the visa issue. You can go back to a long distance relationship for a bit while you work something out.

Cautionary tale: my friend was involved with an American property developer - so romantic, he proposed at the top of mountain, bought her expensive presents, she was in love. She was well off, (inheritance and high flying career in the City). He pushed for marriage. Two years later they divorced. He was actually in serious debt. He had no property, he was also a serial cheat. She lost a lot of her money along with her self respect.

[Noconceptofnormal]

I feel that your partner should have taken responsibility for their visa situation before jacking their career in. It's not for you to solve that issue by marrying them and I'd be very suspicious of someone who had that intention.

Whether you and your partner are make or female it smacks of them seeing you as a meal ticket, knowing that you're clearly very wealthy and biding their time until they can guilt trip you in to marriage.

I'd be very wary if it feels like there is even a grain of truth in that.

[Porridgeoat]

He needs to wait the 2 years to get an unmarried partner visa or work part time doing his present job and follow his artistic interests part time

[MotherOfDragonite]

You've only lived together for 8 months but have been in an international relationship for 4 years - why not go back to that? It sounds as if it has worked successfully for you before.

It just sounds as if your partner is setting himself up to be financially dependent on you.

I think it would be unwise to commit to marrying somebody in these circumstances, especially if you know that you may want children in the longer term and your partner is unwilling.

[VestaTilley]

On no account marry this person. It’s got disaster written all over it. Trust your instincts.

[SummerBlondey]

Your Partner is taking the piss. They want to freeload off you for the time being, and then, in a few years, if they are bored of you, they will ride off in to the sunset with half of your assets. Don't be a fool here. You say you feel it's your duty to support them, but clearly, they do not afford any such feelings of duty towards you.

[MarieLaveau]

I am a novelist and I still have to continue my day job.

Giving up your job to pursue your artistic ambitions is a luxury most people cannot afford to have.

Your partner expects you to not only provide them with an income, but to also risk your own assets by marrying them, and why? Because they do not want to work. It's not acceptable.