To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

This can easily slide into "I don't wnat to be with them anymore, but they have visa as a spouse and I don't want them to get into trouble" later.

You would be jumping into a mud which is difficult to get out of. And you are not into the idea so it's a recipe for disaster.

[Indecisive12]

Unfortunately if one of you wants children and the other doesn’t then the relationship is likely doomed as one of you will make such a big compromise to stay together.
I do think the only unreasonable bit about this situation is to agree to allow your partner to pursue their art with the possible promise (unsure if you did fully agree to it) now to change your mind. You should have researched this before making the decision for your partner to give up work as now the options are marry or end relationship due to distance and distrust.
Ultimately it’s up to you if you think your partner is worth the risk or feel the relationship doesn’t have the longevity due to other reasons such as children.

[biddybird]

If your partner has enough savings to live on for a few years, could you then apply for the unmarried partner visa?

What would be the limitations of a pre-nup?

[Awomanwalksintoabar]

I feel like it is my duty to support them.

What? Why?

[WaltzesWithSnobs]

There is one significant upside here OP in that your partner has declared their intentions outright. It's completely up to you whether you agree to the proposed terms. You'd be in a much worse position if you married your partner and they then quit their job, leaving you to pick up the tab.

[CovidHalloween]

I’d wall away.

[HollowTalk]

Why on earth do you feel you have a duty to support them in this?

Why on earth do they feel so entitled to your financial support?

Still, I think it's better they've told you now rather than wait until you're married. At least you can make a decision with your eyes open.

[Aquamarine1029]

I feel like it is my duty to support them.

Where did this ridiculous idea come from? Your partner is not your child, ffs. I think your partner has done a real number on you. They decide to walk away from paid employment and somehow you feel responsible for them. This is madness.

[ElspethFlashman]

Yeah you may have another 10 years to have kids but that may as well not exist if Our Artistic Friend just big fat doesn't want them.

You have quite a lot of fundamental incompatibility in this relationship.

8 months living together and they've already decided to semi-retire on your dime.

Just 8 months!

[Chambored]

It isn’t your duty to support them.
Have they actually given their job up yet?
If not, have you has discussions (the pair if you) about how your partner intends to support to themselves long-term?
Also, you say your partner is “unwilling” to have children. Have they taken your wishes into consideration at all?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I hate they and them posts. It's like the OP trusts us enough to ask for advice but not enough to be impartial. Fucking insulting.

You'd be a an idiot to marry someone after living with them 8 months after they changed career and moved country. That's enough stressful things to be going along with. See an immigration lawyer for options that don't involve marriage.

I moved countries for my DH and he supported me. It's a fucking nightmare and if you aren't sure, immigration will break your will to live.

[CoraPirbright]

But hang on - you say your partner is ‘unwilling’ to have children but then you say you would like them (although you have some time on your side). Surely this is the clincher? This really needs to be decided upon before you go into a marriage? If you marry and you support your partner and pay all the bills etc but then really decide that you are desperate for children but they refuse - then what? You will have to separate and then why have married them, paid for everything, allowed them to stay in this country......to what end? Losing half of everything possibly? Absolutely crazy!! On the other hand, if the children question can be overcome and they agree to have children then that would be different. They can be the stay at home parent, looking after the children, household and doing their ‘art’ at the same time which would be a reasonable contribution to a life spent together.

You have to solve the children question imo.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I feel like it is my duty to support them".

This person is also an adult with agency. You really do have MUG written on your forehead don't you and your partner realises this as well.

Why on earth would you think this, examine your reasons for this thinking far more carefully.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Are you codependent in relationships, why are this person's needs here seemingly more important than yours?. There is a fundamental disconnect here anyway with partner not wanting children whereas you do. You are with the wrong person and to my mind you should not be together now.

[EileenGC]

I expect that their future income will be small, they have no professional artistic training and little experience.

Are they taking any steps to increase their experience and get the necessary training to maximise their earning potential? I would fully support a partner wanting a change of career. But they'd have to take it seriously and have a clear pathway of how many years it would take to train and improve their CV, to have a shot at establishing themselves in the industry. There needs to be a goal and a plan on how they will achieve this goal.

If they're taking these steps and thinking of how they will be contributing to the family income in 3/5/8 years, great. I couldn't be with someone who had a bohemian 'I'll just do what makes me happy' approach to life, whilst being financially (and legally) dependent on me. I say that as an artist who has had to work extremely hard to prove wrong those who said 'you can't live off your job'. I can, but I had to work for it and not just casually enjoy my artistic pursuits from the comfort of my sofa, that a partner paid for.

That said, having children would be a deal breaker personally, especially because you could wait 10 years and they still aren't ready/don't want to do it and you're suddenly out of options.

[CryingHelps]

Don't do it. You'll regret it later - when he's gone through his savings and you are fully supporting him. What if you then divorce and have to part with half your assets?
You want children and he doesn't. What do you think is going to change there? I just see deep resentment building up. You haven't lived together long enough to be making such life changing decisions.
He should have looked into his visa before jacking his job in, that's not your responsibility.
At the very least, seek legal advice to protect yourself. You may get the wake up call you need.

[WhoStoleMyCheese]

This is a difficult situation to be in OP
I suspect you already know the answer but are just posting for reassurance.. and for courage to make the right decision. Your partner forcing your hand does not bode well for the future of the relationship.

The best thing to do would be to talk to a lawyer, if you do decide to go ahead and consider marriage.Perhaps you could have something like a pre-nup where , should you divorce before a set number of years your partner will be entitled to your assets, and they otherwise get nothing?
As others have said difficulties mainly arise when children are involved...

Best of luck OP!

[CoraPirbright]

Please dont underestimate the desire to have children. If you really want them and your partner refuses, then it is pretty much inevitable that the relationship will founder. Having children is a massive thing and a compromise too far for most people.

Why on earth is it your ‘duty’ to support them?

[MargosKaftan]

If you consider children to be part of your long term future, then you would be marrying this person with the intention of ending the marriage in 5 or so years time. (To give you time to get divorced and potentially meet someone else who does want children).

Marriages don't always last, but to go into marriage as a temporary plan, not intending it to last to be actively planning to end it in a few years, seems insane.

You want different things from life. This isn't the long term partner for you and you should enter into marriage out of guilt about what they have given up for you.

I would say you have a duty to be brutally honest - you do plan to have children in the future so know this means at some point in the next few years your relationship will need to end. Therefore its not fair on either of you to make a long term commitment like marriage. You will support them for the next few months while they look for a new job that will give them a visa or to move back to their home country.

[Mycatismadeofstringcheese]

So what happens in 10 years when that urge to have children has gone from an “I’d like to sometime” to an unbearable all consuming desire, but your artist spouse still doesn’t want them?
You either have to give up your dream of a family,
Or divorce, give them half of everything (possibly more if they don’t have an income) and try to find someone else to meet, fall in love and have children with.

Cocklodging aside, the incompatibility about children is enough to end it.

[SpiderGwen]

Don’t get married. The disagreement about having children is the clincher.

And don’t mess us about with obscuring pronouns. It’s irritating.

[emsyj37]

This relationship is over, time to rip the plaster off. One of you wants children eventually, the other doesn't. One of you has significant assets and values them and wants to work to increase/protection them, the other wants to pursue an artistic route that may never make any money. You've been together 4 years but one of you is not enthusiastically excited about the idea of marriage. What's the point of flogging this dead horse? You fundamentally want different things out of life and it's a waste of your time to stay with this person. End it and find someone with the same outlook.

[TonMoulin]

The issue I have is the ‘inflexible about the artistic pursuit’

When you are in a country that requires a visa, you don’t just drop the one thing your visa is attached to wo a plan and a clear idea of what you will do.
You also don’t impose such a huge thing like marriage through what is basically blackmailing.

The only option I could see is getting married in your home country to get some protection that way. But the behaviour itself would make me think

[Mycatismadeofstringcheese]

I would say you have a duty to be brutally honest - you do plan to have children in the future so know this means at some point in the next few years your relationship will need to end. Therefore its not fair on either of you to make a long term commitment like marriage. You will support them for the next few months while they look for a new job that will give them a visa or to move back to their home country.

Thus. Put a definite date on your support like 1st April (so a few months doesn’t drift). Not that you owe them any support. Adults with conditional visas shouldn’t give up the conditions of that visa (the job) if they want to keep it.

[billy1966]

Male or female your only duty is to do what is best for you.

Absolutely no point in marrying someone who is honest about not wanting children.

[TonMoulin]

I also agree that getting married when you have such different visions for the future is not a good start... it will end up in tears.