To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

[Porridgeoat]

Als why is partner do inflexible?

[NoOneOwnsTheRainbow]

It honestly sounds like he or she planned this whole thing and you're just the patsy. I'm sorry. I don't think they ever intended to keep working.
Also I love how all these posters are assuming it's a heterosexual couple. They could also be disguising the genders because they're both women or both men.

[WeAllHaveWings]

@Brefugee

It would be bizarre if the OP revealed themselves as male talking about a female partner if the opinions then suddenly changed into "marry and support her, you bastard" given that really long thread recently from the unmarried woman with 3 children in an 18 year relationship where her male partner, with significantly more assets, won't marry her. Reactions on there were - well, that's silly of you to be in that position, in his position i wouldn't marry either.

When children are involved and a couple decide one parent gives up work to care for their children the situation changes dramatically and marriage is advised so the partner (commonly, but should not always be, the mother), who gives up work has their significant contribution to the family recognised and they are financially protected.

[Crookairroad]

2 months into living together this is what your partner proposed. No. Just no. It’s not in your best interests based on what you’ve written.

[littlepattilou]

It's no wonder most people assume the OP is female, and the partner male. As has been said, it's mostly women who post here, and mostly heterosexual.

In addition, it doesn't help when an original poster posts their first message, and is totally ambiguous and vague about the gender of their partner. Why say 'they,' 'their,' and 'them?!' Just say he/she/him/her FFS.

I'm not going to bother wasting much time on this thread, as I have posted detailed and helpful posts on 4 or 5 threads this past few days, only to have the thread deleted before I could post it, OR within 10 minutes of me posting.

So I will just say @boggyd are you actually serious right now? It's obvious your 'partner' is using you. Do not marry 'them!'

Seriously, it must take more effort to put them/their/they at every opportunity, than it does to put he/she/him/her.

[prh47bridge]

@Jaxhog

It sounds as if he positioning himself to be dependent on you. It’s not worth it.
That was my thought too.

But I'm confused as to why a prenup wouldn't be watertight? If assets acquired before marriage and no children involved?
They aren't legally recognized in the UK.

It is wrong to say that prenups are not legally recognised in the UK.

A prenup is not technically legally binding. However, unless the agreement is clearly unfair or fails to meet the needs of any children, the courts will generally uphold it provided it has been properly drawn up, there has been full financial disclosure, both sides took independent legal advice and neither party was pressured into signing.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I think it’s suspicious too. With partner visa, in 5yrs they can apply for British citizenship and passport. They may be using you to get that.

[GetTheDebtGoneIn2021]

I assume it’s a pair of lesbians, and that’s why they’ve gone gender neutral.

[GabriellaMontez]

I can't imagine marrying for a Visa.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think it’s suspicious too. With partner visa, in 5yrs they can apply for British citizenship and passport. They may be using you to get that.

You can do that without the marriage.

[HaveringWavering]

@littlepattilou

It's no wonder most people assume the OP is female, and the partner male. As has been said, it's mostly women who post here, and mostly heterosexual.

In addition, it doesn't help when an original poster posts their first message, and is totally ambiguous and vague about the gender of their partner. Why say 'they,' 'their,' and 'them?!' Just say he/she/him/her FFS.

I'm not going to bother wasting much time on this thread, as I have posted detailed and helpful posts on 4 or 5 threads this past few days, only to have the thread deleted before I could post it, OR within 10 minutes of me posting.

So I will just say *@boggyd* are you actually serious right now? It's obvious your 'partner' is using you. Do not marry 'them!'

Seriously, it must take more effort to put them/their/they at every opportunity, than it does to put he/she/him/her.

Are you a bit thick? OP concealed the genders so that the advice would not be skewed by people’s conscious or unconscious preconceptions about relationship dynamics between the sexes.

[EileenGC]

What do you mean by 'artistic pursuits'?

I'm in a very niche area of the arts industry. You need minimum 10 years of experience before starting university, a 4 year degree plus at least one master nowadays, internships and portfolio experience.

It's an art that you study, train in, and eventually you start to work and get paid like any other job. In the UK most of us have to freelance but it doesn't mean we can't put food on the table.

What's this art your partner is talking about and are they qualified in the area? Do they have the expertise or skills required, are they applying for training opportunities and jobs? Or is this some hobby that will stay a hobby without bringing any money in and you're expected to support them financially for the foreseeable future?

I'm all for following your heart and doing what you love, as long as you can earn a living from it.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

If you have ANY reservations at all, for ANY reasons - don't marry him.

It's as simple as that.

He may or may not be the right one, but this isn't the right time, or you wouldn't be worried about it.

[HaveringWavering]

No need to speculate on sex or gender, should not be relevant to advice.
But somewhat taken aback that someone thinks that lesbians might be afraid to identify as such in an anonymous forum...

[AStudyinPink]

6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.

Heck no.

[TatianaBis]

Artistic pursuits can make a perfectly good income depending on talent, experience and area.

Would you be marrying someone who has a lower income than previously but no visa, or someone who has no income and no visa?

If the latter then hell no, if the former then I’d consider it if I were sure of the relationship. You don’t sound all that sure of it tbh.

[knittingaddict]

@VettiyaIruken

I would not even consider marrying someone who was aiming to be financially supported by me!

He gets a visa and a cushy life while he faffs about with his 'art'. You get bills, responsibility and what? Company? Sex?

Sod that.

Also, he doesn't want kids but do you?

He? Why he?

[WhoStoleMyCheese]

As an international, this smells fishy. Depending on what visa type he held it is possible to apply for ILR 5 years into your stay in the U.K on a work visa. Why did your partner not wait until then - and why in the middle of a pandemic?

The ONLY way for this to make sense is if he/she already has an artistic side business. Which has grown until the choice is either to pursue it full time or give it up entirely.

I highly doubt that this is the case howevere...

[billy1966]

Absolutely not a good idea to marry for a visa.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

@WhoStoleMyCheese

As an international, this smells fishy. Depending on what visa type he held it is possible to apply for ILR 5 years into your stay in the U.K on a work visa. Why did your partner not wait until then - and why in the middle of a pandemic?

The ONLY way for this to make sense is if he/she already has an artistic side business. Which has grown until the choice is either to pursue it full time or give it up entirely.

I highly doubt that this is the case howevere...

I would very much have the same questions. If it was 5 years wait, but they didn't have that long to go to ILR and possibility of naturalisation

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner

I'll bet

As someone on MN once said, "More red flags than a communist convention"

[HollowTalk]

So they want to stop working and live off you while they create whatever it is, and want to marry you so that they can remain here?

That would make for such an unequal marriage that you'd be mad to do this.

What sort of creative work, too? What does your partner do that can't be done at the weekends and in the evenings?

How do you feel about their decision not to have children?

[Viviennemary]

Your partner wants you to bankroll him. You work while he pursues his hobbies. Nice one for him. Of her even if it's a same sex relationship. Move on.

[BubblyBarbara]

I see no reason to marry in your case. Marriage is a contract between you and with your God and I don’t think God would give this one the thumbs up. You sound more like girlfriend and boyfriend

[HollowTalk]

Or her, @Viviennemary. The OP has been very careful not to specify the sex. But yeah, you're right about moving on.