To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

[EileenGC]

What sort of creative work, too? What does your partner do that can't be done at the weekends and in the evenings?

I work in the arts and my job can't be done alongside a Mon-Fri, 9-5 schedule. Because it takes up my whole week (and my weekends and evenings). There are jobs within the arts that are 40/50/60h a week too. The difference is, they normally pay a decent amount. OP hasn't specified what type of art and how qualified their partner is in this art.

[HighSpecWhistle]

He is putting himself and his pursuit of art before you and your relationship.

You are absolutely right to not want to go ahead with this. Marriage is for when you both want it, not to get a visa when he could have one if he continued working.

If he's already putting himself first then I don't think it's a successful relationship.

You also insinuate that HE doesn't want kids. What about you? What do you want?

[PhoenixReincarnated]

I think the OP is male but agree with pp it's irrelevant. Either way I'd advise the OP not to get married. It would be different if the partner was giving up work to look after children but that's not the case.

[RincewindsHat]

I doubt I would marry in this instance. Like you say, there's minimal protection for your assets when you're married in the event that you decide to separate later down the line.

Your partner is 6 months into pursuing their creative passion, and what is the current situation - is it financially viable, now or ever? If not, are they getting a job again to support themselves? Are you expected to make sacrifices, financial and otherwise, to keep the relationship indefinitely while they continue to 'do what they love'?

You have tried this for 6 months, and clearly you're not happy about it so it seems like more discussion is needed to figure out what the future of the relationship is for you both.

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

I wouldn’t do it in your case

[TatianaBis]

The question is whether the no income is permanent. 6 months into a new career it takes a while to find a job. It’s not clear from the OP whether the no income is simply the current situation prior to finding employment, or whether it’s ongoing.

If the latter, I think the whole thing is a piss take.

[WhoStoleMyCheese]

@SchrodingersImmigrant 4 year international relationship could either mean relationship with a non-British citizen or that it was an LDR (although the second is correct, I have heard the first used a lot by people for whom English is a second language).

Either way the conditions of work visas are very strict. For example with a Tier 2 visa part-time employment is only allowed for up to 20 hours and then only in shortage occupations/same field for which you have the visa.

So unless the artistic pursuit in question is graphic design (which is ON the list at www.gov.uk/government/publications/skilled-worker-visa-shortage-occupations/skilled-worker-visa-shortage-occupations ) or similar - it will be very difficult to gain experience while on an unrelated work visa.



We all have our dreams...but we can't always achieve them and that's life

[HollowTalk]

@EileenGC

What sort of creative work, too? What does your partner do that can't be done at the weekends and in the evenings?

I work in the arts and my job can't be done alongside a Mon-Fri, 9-5 schedule. Because it takes up my whole week (and my weekends and evenings). There are jobs within the arts that are 40/50/60h a week too. The difference is, they normally pay a decent amount. OP hasn't specified what type of art and how qualified their partner is in this art.

But you're working in the arts. The OP's partner isn't planning to do that. I thought they wanted to write a book or something like that. The OP says, "they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits". That doesn't sound as though they're planning to get an actual job in the arts.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

4 year international relationship could either mean relationship with a non-British citizen or that it was an LDR
Op said the partner was living in UK on visa so I took it as they've been here all that time (+ probably more) but you may be right

[oakleaffy]

No way would I marry in your situation.

Would you want him having half your assets on divorce?

{Sadly many marriages end in divorce, despite lovely beginnings}

[BuntysTwinkle]

Do you want to stay in a relationship with him/her?

If so, it's worth discussing and trying to work out a way forward that's good for both of you.

Did you want to have children?

[AcrossthePond55]

I've already said Oh Hell NO, but I just picked up on the fact that 'dP' has been wanting to quit their job for 6 months! Are you kidding me right now? That means that TWO MONTHS after they got here they announced their desire to be a 'kept person'.

And saying 'no kids' speaks to me of someone who just may be planning an easy no strings exit if and when something better comes along.

It doesn't matter if 'dp' is man, woman, or a one-eyed martian. The answer is the same; NO!

@boggyd If you're seriously considering this, I suggest you consult with a shit-hottest divorce lawyer in town before you do another thing. Lay it all on the line and see what he/she advises. I'll eat my hat if they say 'Oh of course it's OK".

[oakleaffy]

@BuntysTwinkle

Do you want to stay in a relationship with him/her?

If so, it's worth discussing and trying to work out a way forward that's good for both of you.

Did you want to have children?

Edit: I assumed ''Male'' but of course your partner could easily be female. Sorry for error.

[katy1213]

Are you crazy? Let him pursue his hobbies at his own cost - not yours!
I doubt he'll turn out to be Picasso! And isn't it funny that he wasn't in a hurry to marry when he was the bigger earner?

[DK123]

I think you're being taken for a mug OP

[boggyd]

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies. It is only fair that I post to answer your questions.

I would like to have children in the future, but biologically I understand that I could wait at least 10 years to do that. My partner has enough savings to support themselves for a few years. We are in a position where our relationship is viable in the short term if we maintained separate finances, but marriage does not allow that. I expect that their future income will be small, they have no professional artistic training and little experience.

Sadly I did not fully understand the implications of marriage when my partner quit their job. Up until now, we had been independent and free to do as we individually wished. We are not eligible for an unmarried partner visa as we did not live together for long enough (2 years). If I was poor, then this decision would be much easier, and that is what makes this so sad. I do love my partner, it is not the passions of an early relationship, but the dependable love of a long one. I feel like it is my duty to support them.

[howard97A]

I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

I think he is trying to guilt-trip OP into the marriage.

If she wants to continue the relationship, I would advise her to tell him that she doesn’t want to get marriage just to facilitate a visa, and it’s up to him to weigh up his own options.

[BellaVida]

Securing a visa should t be the motive for marriage. You say that you have doubts, so don’t do it. If they want the relationship to succeed, they will do whatever needs to be done to protect it. If they’re putting their artistic dream first and willing to lose their visa, then that says something about their priorities.
Was marriage already something you’d both discussed, or did they only bring it up to keep their visa?
Do you want a family? If they’ve made it clear they don’t, then surely that will tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship? You say you’ve been together 4 years, so surely you talked about this before?

[Coyoacan]

She/he should have thought about the visa when he/she decided to stop working. I think he/she should find another job to enable them to get his/her visa.

Otherwise you could think of moving to his/her country.

[Thehop]

You would be mad to marry this person.

They don’t think very much of you to just put you in this position, in my opinion.

[cerealgamechanger]

Don't do it.

[StrandedStarfish]

How do you feel about not having children?

[HaveringWavering]

We are in a position where our relationship is viable in the short term if we maintained separate finances, but marriage does not allow that.

Can you explain this a bit further? Not sure what you mean.

Married couples can agree between themselves to keep their finances separate. It’s only when you divorce that your partner has a claim.

[ElspethFlashman]

You partner may have savings but make no mistake they would be far less hasty if they were living alone.

I suspect any questioning won't go well either. You know, like: "Hey, what's your business plan? Where are you going to borrow the start up capital? What marketplaces are you thinking of selling through?"

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

I feel like it is my duty to support them.

You don't have "duty" to support anyone unless it's your child essentially. I would get it if they were ill. Then yes, it's lovely to do so. But because they decided without actually properly going through everything and then basically making you responsible for their visa is unfair, crass and no loving partner should ever do that.