To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

[LivBa]

If this is a real.post, I simply don't understand people like this who are so passive in relationships. They want kids but their "partner" doesn't! - this is the much bigger issue right here! Why are they concerned about visas when it's a total no brainer that the relationship won't work out anyway

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

Mine too, esp as one professional name is your known name

[BlueThistles]

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Yes, married people I work with predominantly say partner and haven’t changed their names. It’s remarkably common
I know many people who are married and say partner. I’m surprised people,are disputing it?

Not taking your Husbands surname is common .. I agree certainly in my line of industry/business ..

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

Yes, married people I work with predominantly say partner and haven’t changed their names. It’s remarkably common
I know many people who are married and say partner. I’m surprised people,are disputing it?

[MrsKoala]

I used to say partner instead of Husband at work. It just seemed more professional as lots of people did because they were gay so it was a leveller of all our relationships. It didn’t matter to them whether I was married or not. It was only me it mattered to for legal reasons. I always used Ms too and kept my surname, so when I got married nothing really changed.

[BlueThistles]

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Not so. Personally and professionally I work with married people who say partner by choice. An active linguistic choice

sure you do 🤣

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

Tbf, from experience and people around, if visa are in a picture the "well, it will be easier tehn, innit" does feature as well. But it just shouldn't be the main rider. Or the only rider. Yous hould want to get married and have this visa situation as a side benefit, not having being married as a side benefit. That's bit sad. Also, if you are willing to do that, at least charge appropriately...🤷🏻

I hope you make the decision which will be the right one for you. Whatever that is

[Skysblue]

Wow that is one unromantic situation. Without wishing to be cruel, it doesn’t sound like you love each other very much. They’re unwilling to compromise on their chosen job to make the current relationship work. They don’t want kids. You don’t want to marry them.

Where’s the love and passion and yearning to overcome all obstacles to be together?

Not sure you’ve found ‘the One’ to be honest.

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

There was a thread other week,unmarried poster calls her partner her husband
That fair got people going

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

Not so. Personally and professionally I work with married people who say partner by choice. An active linguistic choice

[LittleBearPad]

People don’t refer to their husbands as their partner. The opposite can be true but that’s usually someone who desperately wants to be married trying to convince themselves a partner isn’t any different

[GabriellaMontez]

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I don’t need the legal distinction between partner vs husband explained to me
I get it and I understand the legalities.
I also get that in social conversation the terms are used fluidly and interchangeably.

Really? I've never referred to my partner as my husband because he totally isnt.

I'm surprised, I've rarely if ever come across this.

[feliciabirthgiver]

Seven figure salary, firstly congratulations you, secondly do not even consider marriage!

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

I don’t need the legal distinction between partner vs husband explained to me
I get it and I understand the legalities.
I also get that in social conversation the terms are used fluidly and interchangeably.

[timeisnotaline]

Gender is irrelevant to my answer - don’t you feel betrayed? That two months into moving countries to be with you your partner unveils this life changing plan? Are they really who you thought they were?
And if you want children, even if you can wait a few years, do not marry someone who doesn’t. That would be madness, what are you thinking?? That you divorce in 8 years so you can find someone to have children with, after giving your partner half your assets?

[BlueThistles]

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Most people say partner as a global term to include cohabitation & marriage
I don’t completely get it when women emphasise its husband not partner

no they don't.. one term has legal protections... the other does not ..

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

Most people say partner as a global term to include cohabitation & marriage
I don’t completely get it when women emphasise its husband not partner

[BlueThistles]

There are often threads on here from posters whose male partners want to step off the treadmill and do something less stressful/pursue another career. There are always a sizeable number of responses saying he should be supported to do this, tips on how to reduce family expenditure to cope etc. Even more so if there are no children.

they are Husbands.... not partners

[C8H10N4O2]

This thread isn't about women being penalised after having children

You didn't distiniguish but as I said upthread, find me a single piece of decent research showing men doing 50% in the home and I'll read it.

It's two adults without children and one is expecting to be financially propped up by the other because they don't fancy working and would rather do their hobby

There are often threads on here from posters whose male partners want to step off the treadmill and do something less stressful/pursue another career. There are always a sizeable number of responses saying he should be supported to do this, tips on how to reduce family expenditure to cope etc. Even more so if there are no children.

Implicit in your position is that within a couple, the lesser earner is a sponger irrespective of other contributions to the relationship. I often tell women to remember marriage is contract, not just hearts and flowers. In your case you seem to have forgotten its meant to be an emotional and mutually supportive relationship over the long term.

[LolaSmiles]

C8H10N4O2
This thread isn't about women being penalised after having children.

It's two adults without children and one is expecting to be financially propped up by the other because they don't fancy working and would rather do their hobby. The sex of the sponger doesn't matter. It's a huge red flag to sponge off your partner, regardless of sex.

When there's no children and two adults then either it's entirely reasonable for ANY adult to pay their partner rent because they'd have to pay rent if living alone, or NO adult to pay their partner rent because you shouldn't be paying someone else's mortgage.
The idea that in childfree relationships men should pay rent to women, but women shouldn't pay rent to men because a woman would do chores is backwards and is exactly the sort of crap that gives MRAs leverage to argue women want it both ways.

[littlepattilou]

@C8H10N4O2

What a step backwards to say if you have a vagina then you should be financially subsidised by your partner because you're a good egg who'll do the laundry

Women are penalised financially and career wise for child bearing even if they go straight back to full time work after having a child. I'm struggling to think of a single survey of domestic labour which shows men doing 50% of home / parenting responsibilities even where both partners are working full time.

Yes its shocking that this is still the case in 2021, despite concerted campaigns by men's rights organisations to promote the myth that women have equal treatment or better. Ditto the false equivalence of "double standards' when relationships between sexes are still not routinely equal.

100% this! ^

Women do the vast majority of childcare/domestic duties/grunt work in most families, and will also be the ones to step up when the parents get elderly and infirm. The males in the family are never expected to do it.

Some people (particularly on here) like to perpetuate the myth that men do an equal share of housework/domestic duties/childcare/caring for elderly relatives, but the fact is that in the majority of cases, it's the women who do it. Moreover, they are EXPECTED to do it, (even if they have a job, and school-age children themselves.)

Also, it is a fact that women ARE treated differently to men in the workplace, particularly when they have had children. A 'mother' will be made to feel like shit if she throws herself into her career, a 'father' will be celebrated for doing the same thing.

As long as women have to bear the children, they will never be equal to men. And that is a fact.

Anyone who says or thinks different is deluded.

[C8H10N4O2]

What a step backwards to say if you have a vagina then you should be financially subsidised by your partner because you're a good egg who'll do the laundry

Women are penalised financially and career wise for child bearing even if they go straight back to full time work after having a child. I'm struggling to think of a single survey of domestic labour which shows men doing 50% of home / parenting responsibilities even where both partners are working full time.

Yes its shocking that this is still the case in 2021, despite concerted campaigns by men's rights organisations to promote the myth that women have equal treatment or better. Ditto the false equivalence of "double standards' when relationships between sexes are still not routinely equal.

[C8H10N4O2]

Well judging by the fact that the OP has just popped in once in the last 24 hours to continue the confusion I'd guess they have any screenshots advice they want.

[TheNorthWind]

I expect that their future income will be small, they have no professional artistic training and little experience.

So they're probably rubbish. Which means that 2 months after moving countries, they pretty much decided to give up work forever. And they don't want kids, but you do.

10 years goes by astonishingly quickly OP. But if you're talking in terms of how long your body clock will allow you, then it doesn't sound like you expect the relationship to last that long, marriage or no.

Don't marry them. This fait accompli, while you're still in the getting to know one another on a day today basis stages isn't fair. They are basically making all the choices and leaving you with none.

The sensible thing to have done would have been to hold off on the job quitting until you'd lived together 2 years and a partner visa would have been possible. Is there anything stopping your partner from looking for another job and still doing that? It sounds like a much better compromise than being railroaded into a marriage of convenience that you don't want.

[MarieLaveau]

I am a novelist and I still have to continue my day job.

Giving up your job to pursue your artistic ambitions is a luxury most people cannot afford to have.

Your partner expects you to not only provide them with an income, but to also risk your own assets by marrying them, and why? Because they do not want to work. It's not acceptable.