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to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

(640 Posts)
whoshouldpay Sat 16-Jan-21 10:45:08

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP’s posts: |
Didiusfalco Sat 16-Jan-21 10:49:21

I have no words for your dh taking money given to you by your mum and handing it to mil. I can’t get past how awful that is. I would by pass your dh and go directly to her and lay it all out tell her that was your money she had and now you need it back. How dare he.

Santaiscovidfree Sat 16-Jan-21 10:49:29

I would have left dh long ago for that op... Putting his dm before the needs of your dc was an awful trick. He effectively stole off you and his own dc...
Twat.

Lenin1870 Sat 16-Jan-21 10:49:32

YANVVVVVU

Lenin1870 Sat 16-Jan-21 10:49:51

*YABVVVVVU

TaraR2020 Sat 16-Jan-21 10:50:06

I was fully prepared to come and claim YABU but...you're really not.

Not convinced you've approached it in the right way, but the fact that your parents gifted you the money for a specific purpose and your dh then took it for something else...sounds a bit theft-y to me.

Your dh and his family owe your parents £5000.

NoSquirrels Sat 16-Jan-21 10:50:24

Your DH gave away the money for parents had given to you? Bloody hell!

I understand you weren’t in the right place then to fight, but WTF did your parents say? I’d have been livid if my DD told me her DH had given my gift of money for a specific purpose (the car) to his mother without my DD’s agreement.

Sadly I don’t think you will get anywhere. You could appeal to your MIL’s better nature but doesn’t sound like the whole family have one between them.

I’d divorce my DH personally.

Vicky1y Sat 16-Jan-21 10:50:45

Your DH and in laws sound unreasonable, how dare he take your money. And your MIL should have paid the money back to you as she knew that it wasn't your DHS. They've taken advantage of you. Please put your foot down OP you deserve must better.

whoshouldpay Sat 16-Jan-21 10:51:13

I don't have a particular good relationship with her. she is not a bad person. we are just different people - we don't click/gel. We are not close at all and rarely talk. I don't feel I can ask her.

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Sat 16-Jan-21 10:51:43

I'd be fuming if I was you...yanbu

MatildaTheCat Sat 16-Jan-21 10:51:46

Oh dear that’s a difficult one. Unfortunately I think your chances of her parting with the money are almost zero so it would be best to avoid causing a huge family bust up.

Also despite everything I don’t like the idea of putting massive pressure on an elderly lady (or not elderly).

The person who let you down was your DH. He should be the one you are pressuring if anyone.

NoSquirrels Sat 16-Jan-21 10:52:00

As PP says go direct to your MIL.

Your DH won’t help you and it is nothing to do with BIL/SIL.

Santaiscovidfree Sat 16-Jan-21 10:52:34

She is a thief =bad person imo..
Stole from her dgc...

supercee Sat 16-Jan-21 10:52:36

Assuming your DH stole - and stole is the correct word here - the whole £5000 he owes you £5000. Personally I would've left him over that.

comfycomfy Sat 16-Jan-21 10:53:24

I would've left him too. Still would. He stole from you and watched you suffer.

whoshouldpay Sat 16-Jan-21 10:53:26

I understand you weren’t in the right place then to fight, but WTF did your parents say?

that is a different thread. My mum was obviously distraught as she know how much DS and I suffered on the buses. but I paid them back over the years.

OP’s posts: |
Coasterfan Sat 16-Jan-21 10:53:38

I am outraged on your behalf that your H stole your savings, which is what happened. I would certainly have left him over that and I think there is a lot to be said for having separate accounts.

NoSquirrels Sat 16-Jan-21 10:53:55

whoshouldpay

I don't have a particular good relationship with her. she is not a bad person. we are just different people - we don't click/gel. We are not close at all and rarely talk. I don't feel I can ask her.

But your DH won’t do it. He’s told you that. So your only choice is to explain to her.

Do you love your DH? Is he better than he sounds?

Owwlie Sat 16-Jan-21 10:54:02

I would go to her and explain that the money wasn’t your DHs, it was yours from your parents and had no right to give it to her at the time and you now need it back. She doesn’t have to give it to you as it was your DH who fucked up, but she should at least be aware that it was you and not your DH who really paid.

To be honest, I’d have left him at the time for doing that. It wasn’t his money to give away.

itchyfinger Sat 16-Jan-21 10:54:18

What the actual? Have you ever asked BIL/SIL for the money back? How could they "decide to pay for private treatment" when they didn't have the funds? In my mind it's your S/BIL and your DH who owe you!

DrFoxtrot Sat 16-Jan-21 10:54:46

I agree that your DH is the problem. Can he find the money from somewhere? Sell things? Does he show any sort of remorse or is he apologetic now that you need surgery and do not have the funds?

Years ago, this sort of resentment would have rumbled on in my marriage. Now, I'd be making plans to leave as the family have made it quite clear how important your feelings are to them.

whoshouldpay Sat 16-Jan-21 10:54:55

I think there is a lot to be said for having separate accounts

I changed that shortly afters.

OP’s posts: |
NoSquirrels Sat 16-Jan-21 10:55:06

whoshouldpay

*I understand you weren’t in the right place then to fight, but WTF did your parents say?*

that is a different thread. My mum was obviously distraught as she know how much DS and I suffered on the buses. but I paid them back over the years.

Oh bloody hell, it gets worse. You had to pay them back the money your DH stole?

FilthyforFirth Sat 16-Jan-21 10:55:09

I would 100% have left my DH if he did this. I am fuming on your behalf. He sounds utterly disgusting.

JosephineDeBeauharnais Sat 16-Jan-21 10:55:18

Christ on a bike OP! My DM would have gone shouty crackers if I’d taken a gift like that and given it away shock.
You need to get properly cross, leave out all the middlemen and ask your MiL for the money back.
If her surgery was truly an emergency she would have had to go private for it. I’d be making it clear to DH that this is a hill you’re prepared to die on.

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