to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

I'm sorry you feel shackled to this arsehole. Caring for your boy is always and has always been your responsibility, I suppose?

I understand you don't want to give out too many details, but how does your current health problem compare to MIL's then? It doesn't matter if all you have is a septic toenail - his actions were still disgraceful, but I'm curious.

[quote OwlBeThere]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows but OP isn’t a passive bystander in her own life. There are many things she could have done to prevent this.
Said no to start with.
Moved nurseries at some point in 3 years.
Bought a cheaper run around at some point in 3 years.
Left her idiot husband.
Not paid back money she didn’t spend.

I full agree her husband acted abominably, but she didn’t help herself,[/quote]
She did say no. He did it anyway.
Moved nurseries- have you had PND and a developmentally delayed toddler?
They bought a cheap car after 2 years. Nowhere does she say it had to be a £5K car but if you start with £0 then it takes as long as it takes to save enough for any car.
I think the threads unanimously agreed on leaving the idiot husband but see above PND/additional needs child.
She paid it back out of guilt - it’s a human emotion, do you have any?

Oh OP, I feel so angry for you. I used to have to get 3 buses each way to nursery for my DC who had SN. That was only for 6 months before I passed my driving test, but that was hard enough.

Your DH, BIL and SIL are completely out of order. They need to pay you back.

You are owed £5,000. You are always owed a better life than the one you have with your ‘D’H.

@AIMD

Yabu to think you can ‘demand’ money from anyone or to think that your OH would even put pressure for the money given what you had said he thinks.

Your OH was totally unreasonable to transfer your money from your parents without your agreement. Did you have it in a joint account?

If I were you I’d ask if MIL could help with cost of surgery and point out you helped her and hope she returns the favour.

I’d also make sure any future savings of yours are in separate account in your name only and NEVER EVER include SIL or BIL in decision about how you spend your savings.

I agree with this.

However, there’s been lots of posts about inheritance whether it’s family money or personal money. Dh considers it family money and wanted to help his mother. I agree it was an emergency, and in many ways, he was right to help his mum (although preferably with your consent). However, he should have asked other siblings to pay their share of the money back, even if it were £100 per month.

Your MIL has made it clear she won't help.

Your DH has made it clear that you don't matter.

If you look at the figures of being a lone parent on UC, you are probably better off staying married.

If you look at your life, the respect you receive, how important you are to those who claim to love you, you are infinitely better off away from them.

His mums op couldn't have been that much of an emergency or the NHS would have done it, she would have probably had to live with pain until they sorted it, but it wasn't life or death. Your DH wasn't willing to see his mum suffer so decided to sacrifice your metal and physical health at that time. Now you're in pain, and he doesn't care and is quite happy for you to suffer.

If your money wasn't sitting there he wouldn't have offered, he wouldn't have got a loan or sold his things.

Did your husband have a car at the time? If so he should have given it to you or sold it to pay you back.

YANBU.

If I were you I'd have left DH over that - he's clearly not trustworthy. You've learnt a lesson here OP; never shared money or any sort that isn't absolutely 100% essential (i.e. for bills) with anyone other than yourself.

Tell your MIL what happened and how it has affected her grandson. 100% guarantee she will be disgusted in her DS and you'll get your surgery. At the end of the day, what your DH did affected her grandchild and a grandparents love for a grandchild is untouchable.

She won’t fund it. Your thieving husband should find a way to repay you. What an utter swine.

He is a shit of the worst order, but Mil owes you nothing. It was a gift from your husband to her, I think it's best off for you mentally if you can let it go.
Your treatment is the important thing now. Get it done and put it on joint credit. After stealing that money from you it's the least he can do.
Then when you are in a better place health wise I would leave him.

Your stupid husband is a cunt. There, I said it.

He stole the money from your parents, handed it to his mother, allowed you to pay your parents back (essentially you paid for his mother’s surgery) and he watched you struggle on the buses with your son.

Yep. He’s a cunt.

All those saying OP can't demand anything - she can do whatever she likes.

Having seen your updates, OP, I'd probably just tell my H that i can't cope any more and I'm leaving and since i'm not in a position to take DS with me, it's on him and you'll see him EOW. See what he says to that.

In the meantime I'd just keep telling him that he must pay for your surgery and not stop until he gives in. Again I'm petty and patient, though and YMMV

[quote OwlBeThere]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows but OP isn’t a passive bystander in her own life. There are many things she could have done to prevent this.
Said no to start with.
Moved nurseries at some point in 3 years.
Bought a cheaper run around at some point in 3 years.
Left her idiot husband.
Not paid back money she didn’t spend.

I full agree her husband acted abominably, but she didn’t help herself,[/quote]
Yeah OP why didn't you just say no where were you owl 15 years ago with that nugget of advice?

I would question whether this constitutes financial abuse if your husband offered the money and you were not in agreement and also that you were vulnerable at the time. Especially if the money was given to you for a specific purpose.

Bil/sil should have paid half if it was a gift. Or mil should have paid it back if it was a loan, but this should have probably been put down in writing at the time.

PS she DID she no, he did it anyway. And it's not so easy for some to just LTB especially with no money and a disabled child.

I wouldn’t expect much from MIL. No harm in asking but it sounds like her children decided to fund her operation, it’s not clear that it was ever presented to her as a loan, and you’ve said you don’t get on. There’s little incentive for her.

I’m guessing he took it out of a joint account so didn’t legally steal it but you’re over the statute of limitations for that with your husband anyway.

To be honest, I think I’d ask MIL with low expectations - I think the best she’s likely to offer is a loan - and if not, ask your parents to borrow the money from them. You already know that you’re on your own in this marriage, he put you at the back of the list and at no point over fifteen years has he tried to make it up to you.

However, there’s been lots of posts about inheritance whether it’s family money or personal money. Dh considers it family money and wanted to help his mother. I agree it was an emergency, and in many ways, he was right to help his mum (although preferably with your consent).

Preferably with her consent? That's ridiculous! It was her money given to her by her parents to buy a car. Not joint or family money.

LTB and his selfish family
Did they ever pay you back or offer to?
That to me would feel like theft.
They've all shown how little regard they have for you, they took your money and left you high and dry, not once but twice.
Ducks in a row time.

Your husband is an absolute bastard. That's all I can say.

I can't believe what I'm reading. If your MIL has savings, why the fuck did your DH steal your money and give it to her?

And why did your parents expect repayment from you, rather than encouraging you to leave a man who has stolen £5k from you?

@London1977

I can't believe he didn't work twice as hard to allow you to stay home and look after your baby, instead of doing that journey.

That is ridiculous. You realise that's not always an option? And maybe OP wanted to work?

Tell your MIL what happened and how it has affected her grandson. 100% guarantee she will be disgusted in her DS and you'll get your surgery. At the end of the day, what your DH did affected her grandchild and a grandparents love for a grandchild is untouchable.

She did, she wasn't, and it isn't.

You're making the mistake of assuming that all families are much like your own. Remember all those arseholes you come across in your life are also somebody's family. Unpleasant people get old too. Usually just old. Not nice.

Wow, the fact DH took your money given to you by your Mum for a car is absolutely shocking. Personally I'd try and get MIL to pay or at least get the money back - but make plans to leave him. That's awful.

I said YABU because it’s completely your DH fault and not your MIL. He took money that your mum gave you for something specific. Your DH should repay it to you. Do you get spending money each month? Take his until it’s paid.

Does your husband have a well paid job? A car? Is he generous with the money he earns to you now? Can you buy what you like or do you need his permission?

I would be using his car until he or his mum bought you another, or would be taking instalments out of the joint account to cover what is owed for the “5k present”.