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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 16/01/2021 11:17

Sorry, just seen she does know. I still think your husband is the villain here.

SnottyLottie · 16/01/2021 11:17

Your husband stole your money! That’s terrible! I would never forgive him for that and would take it up with him. Don’t let it go. Just keep asking him when you’re getting your £5000 that he stole back. I would honestly divorce him for this fact alone but I don’t know your circumstances or relationship with him.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with his mother. Whilst it’s selfish she’s not going to assist you, she didn’t physically steal the money off you and the circumstances you’ve described sounds like it can be seen as a gift rather than a loan etc. Technically she doesn’t owe you. But my goodness, what a horrible bunch your in-laws are!

HeckyPeck · 16/01/2021 11:17

It is £10k because her husband stole £5k and OP repaid her parents £5k

Arobase · 16/01/2021 11:17

@Aiguablava

MIL was obviously a grateful recipient of the money but it was your DH and his siblings who decided to pay for her surgery even though they couldn't afford it.

The way I see it, its your husband and his siblings who need to pay you back the money. Divide the 5,000 by 3 and tell them you expect them to pay you back their share as it was you who funded their mother's surgery. Even if the money was a vift to MIL it was a gift from her children, not from you.

This. They decided to be nice with your money, time for them to pay back.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/01/2021 11:17

@NotSorry

Reading the OP, I don’t think the MIL did demand. The DH and siblings decided for themselves so the DH stole the money from OP

True- youre right.

But either way its just appalling

Moondust001 · 16/01/2021 11:18

@Santaiscovidfree

She is a thief =bad person imo.. Stole from her dgc...

That's a huge overreaction. What the OPs husband did was wrong, but there is no evidence that anyone else in the family knew anything. The siblings came to an agreement, amongst themselves. Her husband could have, and should have, said that he was very sorry but he had no money to contribute. That is one issue. It is between the OP and her husband. He owes her the money he took, nobody else.

The second issue is that the OP now believes that her motherhood in law owes her private surgery because her husband used her money in the past. That isn't true. Unless the payment was a loan to mother in law, then she owes nobody anything, and the fact that she may have savings now is irrelevant.

There's a lot wrong here, but it's all on the husband. The OP can demand anything she wants of him, but she has no right to demand that her mother in law gives her money. And there is no reason to accuse the mother in law - she hasn't done anything wrong and she doesn't owe anyone anything. Perhaps, if asked, she might be willing to help out. Just because the OP knows our believes she has savings doesn't mean that she can afford to give them away. But in her shoes, if someone demanded money from me, I'd be certain that they never saw a penny, ever.

Pringlemonster · 16/01/2021 11:18

I cannot belive what I have just read
Why did you stay with him ...I have two dc with low functioning autism as well ..so I understand how it gets sometimes.
I can’t get past the fact you stayed with him after he stole your money

London1977 · 16/01/2021 11:18

Oh OP this sounds awful. So, your husband let you take your baby on a massively long bus journey to and from mursery and then you had to go to work. I find that on it's own awful. To then take your money to pay for his mum's surgery..whilst letting you go through a nightmare journey to and from nursery. Honestly it beggars belief. You poor baby, what an ordeal for him.

I put up with alot, but I don't think I would forgive my husband for putting his mum's above his immediate family. X

OwlBeThere · 16/01/2021 11:18

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows but OP isn’t a passive bystander in her own life. There are many things she could have done to prevent this.
Said no to start with.
Moved nurseries at some point in 3 years.
Bought a cheaper run around at some point in 3 years.
Left her idiot husband.
Not paid back money she didn’t spend.

I full agree her husband acted abominably, but she didn’t help herself,

NotSorry · 16/01/2021 11:19

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I absolutely agree

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 16/01/2021 11:19

@sofiaaaaaa

Are debts considered joint in marriage? If so, be underhanded and take out a loan or credit card to pay for it as you’d legally be jointly responsible?

I think you should do this. It'll claw back some of the money he owes you.

Obviously he is an absolute scumbag though and you should throw him in the bin.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/01/2021 11:19

YANBU at all. I couldn't forgive any of them in your condition and it's only right that your MIL helps you now.

AzaleaMania · 16/01/2021 11:20

This is theft OP and I would LTB. Even after 15 years. I would sit him down explain the situation and tell him thta unless the money is returned within a very specific and short time frame (one week) then he can fuck off. (And then I would get the money back and tell him to fuck off anyway).
And sorry but I'm kind of incensed that YOU had to pay your parents back too?!! Why didn't they get payment from your DH/SIL/MIL?! As others have said, you've paid twice and got nothing?!
I actually might print this thread and show it to my daughter. It's a major lesson in why women should ALWAYS have their own bank accounts.

London1977 · 16/01/2021 11:20

I can't believe he didn't work twice as hard to allow you to stay home and look after your baby, instead of doing that journey.

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2021 11:21

@whoshouldpay

Are you happy with your DH otherwise?

not a happy marriage, not unhappy either and there are a lot of trappings and implications when you have a child that has complex needs and will need lifelong 24/7 care - I can only work a few hours and never be financially self sufficient for a starter. I am very pragmatic and I am far better off in my marriage than as a lone parent of a disabled child on UC if that makes sense.

I understand that. I’m sad for you though.

Do you have access to your DH’s finances? Do you know if he has savings and that jointly you could afford £5,000 on private surgery without your MIL? I really think for your emotional well-being you may need to accept this terrible thing happened and will never be resolved.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 16/01/2021 11:21

the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis

if it was to have a PERMANENT impact (as opposed to detrimental impact UNTIL the surgery) then yes, it qualifies as an emergency. I can understand the reasoning.

The issue is more the refusal for your DH to give you the money back, and it's utterly disgusting to dismiss YOUR current pain. No, you shouldn't have to wait for the NHS.

Calmandmeasured1 · 16/01/2021 11:21

OMG, it was your parents who had the windfall and gave you the money. I am so very sorry for not reading the post properly. I can totally understand why you were peed off that he gave his mum the money your mum gave you.

I would have sorted out my bitterness long ago though (even if it meant LTB). I still don't think you should be asking for it back from MIL to pay for your surgery. It was a gift from your husband to her, not a loan. It isn't her fault he did this.

The problem, which you have already rectified, is not to have a joint account with your DH. I think your bitterness shows your marriage lacks proper communication and trust. It's probably over.

imalmosthere · 16/01/2021 11:21

@Calmandmeasured1

Is this for real? Not sure this isn't a thread to increase postings as MN has been quite boring in AIBU lately, but I'll be nice and assume it is real.

I can't believe that most people believe you are not being unreasonable. MN is a strange place sometimes.

Your MIL gifted you money to buy a car. She then desperately needed it back (must have been virtually straight away, otherwise you would have already bought the car) for much-needed surgery. You think your needs were greater than hers? You are so bitter about it 15 years later? Really? I think it is utterly laughable, if true, that you expect her to pay for you to have private medical treatment now. You win 'CF of the decade to date' award.

Oh how embarrassing. The MIL didn't gift the money for the car. The Ops parents did. Her husband then stole The 5k and paid for his mother's private surgery. The op then paid her mother back, and therefore was out 10k. The op was gifted 5k for a car, and ended up losing 10k and no bloody car!! You've made yourself look a right twat. Read the post properly.

bringmelaughter · 16/01/2021 11:21

@Calmandmeasured1

Is this for real? Not sure this isn't a thread to increase postings as MN has been quite boring in AIBU lately, but I'll be nice and assume it is real.

I can't believe that most people believe you are not being unreasonable. MN is a strange place sometimes.

Did you actually read the thread? Her mum gave her money for a car to make her life a bit easier and the husband took it and gave it to his mum for surgery.

London1977 · 16/01/2021 11:21

@AzaleaMania

This is theft OP and I would LTB. Even after 15 years. I would sit him down explain the situation and tell him thta unless the money is returned within a very specific and short time frame (one week) then he can fuck off. (And then I would get the money back and tell him to fuck off anyway). And sorry but I'm kind of incensed that YOU had to pay your parents back too?!! Why didn't they get payment from your DH/SIL/MIL?! As others have said, you've paid twice and got nothing?! I actually might print this thread and show it to my daughter. It's a major lesson in why women should ALWAYS have their own bank accounts.

Well, quite.

Also, can you adopt me?

wizzbangfizz · 16/01/2021 11:23

Your DH is disgusting, make sure you ask MIL.

lurklemurkle · 16/01/2021 11:23

I don't think you can demand anything, but you can set out the facts.

You received a £5k gift from your parents to help you and your son.

Your husband gave the £5k to your MIL rather than use it to help you and your son, because he didn't want your MIL to be in pain.

You are now in pain. It would mean the world to you if your MIL was able to use her savings to help you, as your husband did for her years ago.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/01/2021 11:24

It was a gift from your husband to her, not a loan. It isn't her fault he did this

It was theft. At least call it by its proper name. Gift, my arse. It was stolen from the OP when she was at a very vulnerable point in her life. They also lied about it being an emergency as if it was truly an emergency the NHS would have prioritised it.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/01/2021 11:24

@whoshouldpay

Are you happy with your DH otherwise?

No you are not.

Sorry.

If you divorce your H will pay maintenance for you and your child.

You will not be a lone parent. Your H will always be the father to your child and will do his share.

I am very sorry for you but you need to make some harsh choices and stop being so passive.

£5K is not a lot of money between 3 people who are employed, but if necessary your H and his siblings will have to borrow it or whatever to repay you.

Ideasplease322 · 16/01/2021 11:25

Your husband stole from you.

His mother needed surgery, which despite having savings she wouldn’t pay for.

His siblings didn’t have money, he didn’t have money but he had access to your money so he took it.

I would have left him. There is no trust. He is greedy, selfish and dishonest.

It’s actually not your mil’s issue, it’s your husband’s. I’m not sure why your paid your parents back rather than buying the car they intended yoI to have.

But your husband is financially abusive thief,
.

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