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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 16/01/2021 11:12

Your husband and his siblings would be getting a firm letter requesting they each pay an equal share in the money that was stolen from you. Give them a date to pay by. Make it clear the money was taken without your permission. Get rid of the husband and get a very good divorce lawyer.

Calmandmeasured1 · 16/01/2021 11:12

This reply has been deleted

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WeAreShiningStars · 16/01/2021 11:12

I'm amazed your marriage lasted after that tbh.

Of course the money should be paid back to YOU.

RedHelenB · 16/01/2021 11:12

Yabu about your MIL. You need to sort it out with your husband.

Brownbananabandana · 16/01/2021 11:12

whoshouldpay that is truly shocking behaviour from your dh and his family. Why did you end up paying your parents back and not MIL and her children?? I can totally understand why you’ve never got over it, I’d find it extremely hard to get over this, especially as there have been such long standing repercussions on your life both financial and quality. Does your mil know that the money that was given to her for her treatment was actually the money your mum had given you for a car? Honestly I think you need to lay it out for her. You are perfectly entitled to feel angry over this, tell her where the money came from, who it belonged to and that it was taken with out any lab in place to replace it and the impact it’s had on you and DS. You’ll not be able to get over it until you communicate it. None of that will help you with your immediate concern though over treatment.

Have you costed the treatment privately to know exactly what you need to find to find it? Do you own your own home? Is there any way you could borrow more on the mortgage to cover the treatment?

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2021 11:12

@OwlBeThere

I mean whilst I agree that you are owed that money, you can buy a car much cheaper than £5000 so you didn’t ‘have’ to do it via bus for 2 more years. It’s all very martyrish.
They didn’t have any savings at all except for the gifted money. You mostly can’t buy a car on fuck all money, and it’s hard to save after maternity leave with nursery costs on top. Sod off with the martyr comments! Jeez.
ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 16/01/2021 11:13

How can you actually stomach being married to this man after all this?

He is despicable.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/01/2021 11:13

So basically, your MIL borrowed £5K 2 years ago and has made no attempt to repay it in instalments or a lump sum?

It might go against the grain, but in your shoes I would contact my MIL directly either by phone or seeing her in person.

I'd explain the money was a gift from YOUR parents and it was for you for a car but it went to her for her op and now you need it back for your own health care.

The I would give her a deadline to transfer the money to your account.

Failing all of that I'd divorce your husband- not joking.

This is appalling.

His mother has stolen money that your parents gave to you.
It should have been made clear it was a loan. Nota gift.

Brefugee · 16/01/2021 11:13

I know it doesn't help, but i would have left him and demanded the money back repeatedly, loudly and at length until they were all sick of hearing about it.

And now i would be bombarding them all, MIL included, with demands they give you the money for your treatment. (all while arranging a divorce)

I'd also be making 'D'H's life very very uncomfortable. Extremely so.
(But i am Petty to the nth degree and Vindictive beyond that)

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2021 11:13

@Calmandmeasured1

Is this for real? Not sure this isn't a thread to increase postings as MN has been quite boring in AIBU lately, but I'll be nice and assume it is real.

I can't believe that most people believe you are not being unreasonable. MN is a strange place sometimes.

Your MIL gifted you money to buy a car. She then desperately needed it back (must have been virtually straight away, otherwise you would have already bought the car) for much-needed surgery. You think your needs were greater than hers? You are so bitter about it 15 years later? Really? I think it is utterly laughable, if true, that you expect her to pay for you to have private medical treatment now. You win 'CF of the decade to date' award.

Your reading comprehension skills aren’t up to much, eh?
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/01/2021 11:14

@Calmandmeasured1

Is this for real? Not sure this isn't a thread to increase postings as MN has been quite boring in AIBU lately, but I'll be nice and assume it is real.

I can't believe that most people believe you are not being unreasonable. MN is a strange place sometimes.

Your MIL gifted you money to buy a car. She then desperately needed it back (must have been virtually straight away, otherwise you would have already bought the car) for much-needed surgery. You think your needs were greater than hers? You are so bitter about it 15 years later? Really? I think it is utterly laughable, if true, that you expect her to pay for you to have private medical treatment now. You win 'CF of the decade to date' award.

Oh dear how embarrassing, You didnt read the OP did you?

The MIL didnt gift her the money HER OWN PARENTS DID. The MIL demanded the money her parents gave her.

supercee · 16/01/2021 11:14

@OwlBeThere What car can you buy for £0?

JinglingHellsBells · 16/01/2021 11:14

@Calmandmeasured1

Is this for real? Not sure this isn't a thread to increase postings as MN has been quite boring in AIBU lately, but I'll be nice and assume it is real.

I can't believe that most people believe you are not being unreasonable. MN is a strange place sometimes.

Your MIL gifted you money to buy a car. She then desperately needed it back (must have been virtually straight away, otherwise you would have already bought the car) for much-needed surgery. You think your needs were greater than hers? You are so bitter about it 15 years later? Really? I think it is utterly laughable, if true, that you expect her to pay for you to have private medical treatment now. You win 'CF of the decade to date' award.

Maybe read the post @Calmandmeasured1?

It was the Op's MOTHER who gave her the money. Not her MIL.

Just read properly

ancientgran · 16/01/2021 11:14

I think your issue is with your husband. Did MIL know what he did, does she know you need the op now? She might but definitely is at the heart of this.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 16/01/2021 11:14

calm do try reading the OP properly dear. It's not hard.

Original poster
whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 11:15

Are you happy with your DH otherwise?

not a happy marriage, not unhappy either and there are a lot of trappings and implications when you have a child that has complex needs and will need lifelong 24/7 care - I can only work a few hours and never be financially self sufficient for a starter. I am very pragmatic and I am far better off in my marriage than as a lone parent of a disabled child on UC if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 16/01/2021 11:15

Your husband stole your money. That’s appalling. Absolutely dreadful.

JovialNickname · 16/01/2021 11:15

I feel incredibly sorry for you and feel 100% that morally, MIL should absolutely pay for your surgery. However I have voted YABU because your selfish, piggish husband (along with SIL and BIL) paid for MILs surgery as a gift. It doesn't sound like she was even really asked, they just sorted it for her. For that reason I don't think you can ask for it "back" because she never had any awareness that it was your money or that it might ever be needed back.

I think the person you should be angry with is your husband and I think you have a right to demand the money back from HIM. Your parents gave you that money for a clear and defined purpose, a car for you. I'm sure they would never have voluntarily paid for surgery for your husband's mother. And what a shit your husband is, to take your money, and to run roughshod over your needs and son's needs like that. I do feel very sorry for you x

MarrymeTomHardy · 16/01/2021 11:15

I am sorry that you are unwell...
I am sorry that your DH is an a**hole
I would speak with him about getting a loan in his or joint names, get your surgery then when you are feeling better, seriously consider LTB!
This IMHO is not a MIL issue, its a DH issue, but seems his whole family are selfish. Sorry OP

NotSorry · 16/01/2021 11:16

Reading the OP, I don’t think the MIL did demand. The DH and siblings decided for themselves so the DH stole the money from OP

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2021 11:16

God that’s awful, the things you read on here. I can’t believe your husband stole your money like that, and now won’t even ask his mother. That’s so abusive.

I honestly don’t know how you’re still with him.

Landlubber2019 · 16/01/2021 11:16

Years ago you took a gift of thousands of pounds from your parents to make life easier, your husband gave that money away. In not getting that money returned, it was essentially a gift.... Did no one discuss repayment terms?

Now you want the money back.... That ship has sailed and in remaining in the relationship you enabled the gift and it's unreasonable that years later you suddenly want the money back.

Your husband and family have treated you like a cash cow for years, either stay and accept the behaviour or move on and away from the lot of them!

Aiguablava · 16/01/2021 11:17

MIL was obviously a grateful recipient of the money but it was your DH and his siblings who decided to pay for her surgery even though they couldn't afford it.

The way I see it, its your husband and his siblings who need to pay you back the money. Divide the 5,000 by 3 and tell them you expect them to pay you back their share as it was you who funded their mother's surgery. Even if the money was a vift to MIL it was a gift from her children, not from you.

Arobase · 16/01/2021 11:17

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

Does it not occur to your husband that his wife being in constant pain whilst also coping with a severely disabled child is a bit of a priority? And that he had no right to dish out gifts with your money?

Do you get anything worth having out of this relationship?

TheNorthWind · 16/01/2021 11:17

Yeah, but you've read it wrong @Calmandmeasured1

The money came from her parents. He gave it to his parent.
And there's a strong argument to say hers was the greater need, then and now.