to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

@DrFoxtrot

You paid your parents back the £5k??

I'd definitely be divorcing.

got a better paid job over the years. my parents did not as for the money back but I thought it was the decent thing to do. it took a few years though and didn't cause me hardship..

Sorry....why did YOU pay your parents back and not your OH or his MIL?

Jesus christ!?

How could they 'decide' that she'd go private when they didn't have the funds to pay for it? I can 'decide' I'm going to the Maldives all I like, but if I haven't got the dosh it ain't going to happen!

It wasn't an 'emergency' if she was on a long waiting list. An actual emergency, life threatening, would be top of the list.

And it turns out it wasn't even your money, it was a loan that you've paid back?! I'd have been making it very clear that the 3 bloody stooges would be paying your parents back, not you. I do however appreciate that you had PND and were not capable of doing that at the time.

I'd definitely be approaching MIL regarding repayment of the 'loan' you gave her for her surgery. And if her kids don't like that then they can repay the 'loan' as they were so free and easy with the money in the first place.

And I'd LTB.

Your husband is a shit. I bet he has a stash of cash/personal pension that you cannot access. If he has and won’t give you help now, you have the answer to whether he cares about you.

On the back of another thread maybe 'd'h can sell one of his kidneys for 5 k?
*d standing for dick head..

Hang on, have I understood this correctly?Can I clarify?

Your DH and his siblings decided between them that MIL's surgery needed to be paid for privately. But none of them had any money, so your DH took yours. So you paid £5000 And nobody else paid anything?

You then felt appalling about it, so paid your parents back? So your Mum's operation/not getting a car cost you £10,000?

Meanwhile, you struggled on with looking after your toddler. All the inconvenience and slog fell to you. Did it put your DH out at all? I notice you say you didn't have a car. Did he have one?

I'm not surprised you can't get over this and it still upsets you. It's disgusting.

I cannot believe your 'D'H stole your money to find private surgery for his mum and now won't be held accountable. That's disgraceful. I agree go straight to MIL, shame him for what he did

I'm appalled that your DH and his family took your money. And that 5 years later on they have done nothing to pay it back.

I actually think you've been far too nice. I would have left him for doing it 5 years ago. What do your parents think? They must have been furious? I don't understand why he was allowed to get away with it. He and his family sounds like selfish, despicable people and I would have nothing to do with them.

Sorry, not your Mum's. Your MIL's. (Autocorrect, I think.)

It’s your DH that is being unreasonable using your money all those years ago. I would have been absolutely fuming!!!what gives him that right.

Your MIL unfortunately owes you nothing.

Are debts considered joint in marriage? If so, be underhanded and take out a loan or credit card to pay for it as you’d legally be jointly responsible?

Wtf that is theft!!!! They need to pay you back immediately

@NoSquirrels

In fact - your DH can borrow £5K off his mother and HE can pay it back over time, like YOU had to with your parents.

NoSquirrels has given a perfect suggestion. Are you happy with your DH otherwise? I imagine you've had happy times during the past 15 years, but I don't blame you for holding onto a huge amount of anger at him. I'd personally never be able to forgive him.

So your Mum's operation/not getting a car cost you £10,000?

gosh, I never looked at it that way but yes, my non car came with a 10k price tag.

I mean whilst I agree that you are owed that money, you can buy a car much cheaper than £5000 so you didn’t ‘have’ to do it via bus for 2 more years. It’s all very martyrish.

@NoSquirrels

In fact - your DH can borrow £5K off his mother and HE can pay it back over time, like YOU had to with your parents.

This!! Does he even care OP?

I'm rarely furious for a player on here but I'm raging on your behalf!!

So it cost you double! You lost the £5k then felt guilty and had to pay back your parents - poor you OP but feel like ‘D’H and your in-laws treat you like a doormat - bottom line is they didn’t have the money for that operation they stole your money.

@OwlBeThere

I mean whilst I agree that you are owed that money, you can buy a car much cheaper than £5000 so you didn’t ‘have’ to do it via bus for 2 more years. It’s all very martyrish.

Well £5,000 - £5,000 stolen from her DH = £0 s no OP is not a martyr

I am trying to work out actually whether there is some claim there but cos it went into your joint account and mixed with your joint money not sure there would be a claim

BLOODY HELL OP

I'd leave any man that took my personal savings and gave them to his mother. I dont care what it was for, you dont do that, thats utterly despicable.

Agree- if her surgery was an emergency then the NHS would have done it wouldnt they? so thats a load of rubbish to start with.

I would not stay with a man who did that. My jaw is on the floor for real.

I think YABU. This issue is with your husband, not his mother. He stole the money from you.

It is your DH who should be stumping up the £5k, not your MIL.

If you paid your parents back, that means YOU personally paid for all of MILs treatment out of your own pocket? With not a penny from your DH, SIL or BIL? That is outrageous!

I mean, I’m angry too but OP did make the decision to stay with this man almost 15 years since it happened. I can see why she’s still angry but it should have been resolved back then.

Realistically neither of them will pay her £5k, the only option I see is divorce for the mistreatment. It’s clear his family don’t see you as part of the family, even your husband places you beneath his family in the hierarchy

OP you have been treated appallingly, it hasn't cost you 10k though, only 5k. Your husband and/or his family owe you £5k. It's that simple. Get it back off him. Then leave the cunt.