I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

(320 Posts)
DameLucy Sat 18-Jul-20 22:56:30

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

OP’s posts: |
excuseforfights Sat 18-Jul-20 23:01:44

Sorry to hear that OP, that must be so sad!

Do you work outside the home? Are you active socially or go out shopping a lot?

If no to the above, It sounds like your dd has PFB Syndrome (precious first Syndrome).

Do you actually want to do the 3 days per week childcare?

Gin4thewin Sat 18-Jul-20 23:02:10

Its hard, i do feel for you, cant you be in each others 'bubble'? Might be worth having a conversation with her about your worries. my dd was 3months old at lockdown and we used to see grandparents and great grandparents daily. I go back to work end of August and i had to start getting her used to my family because she cried if someone so much as looked at her, had a full meltdown if some one held her and god help us if i was out of her sight. Shes much better now and has come around quicker than i expected considering shes very clingy with me at the best of times. Lockdown has caused anxiety in a lot of people so i wouldnt be suprised if thats whats worrying your daughter on top of being a FTM. I hope you get a cuddle soon

ECBC Sat 18-Jul-20 23:02:26

How does your daughter propose he gets used to you as a caregiver if he’s spent not time with you, except from distance? I understand the need to be cautious but unless he’s got an underlying condition I would be looking to introduce you in to the bubble. Is your daughter very anxious?

MRex Sat 18-Jul-20 23:02:43

I'm so sorry you're struggling. What does your daughter give as the reason, the risk of covid for a baby is so tiny? Do you think she may have got over-stressed and have a bit of PNA/PND?

slipperywhensparticus Sat 18-Jul-20 23:06:34

you might want to not make this all about you she is trying to protect him clearly she is anxious try to be supportive he will still be young enough to get used to you in three months time

excuseforfights Sat 18-Jul-20 23:08:43

@slipperywhensparticus how is OP making this all about her? It’s her first grandchild and she’s only held him twice in 4 months. Have some sympathy.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sat 18-Jul-20 23:08:47

Its frustrating OP but after this is over you will have the rest of your life to get to know him.

Bear in mind that when most children go to nursery they have a couple of settling in sessions of an hour or so and are then thrown in at the deep end - and no its not pleasant but within a week or two they are totally used to it. And nursery is a lot different to a grandparents house with a lot more noise etc to get used to. He will be fine. You could always suggest some 'settling in' sessions nearer the time

Quarantino Sat 18-Jul-20 23:09:08

It sounds very tough but clearly she has her reasons. Lots of grandparents can't see their GC often due to distance - at 4 months you don't need to worry about him 'not knowing you'!

Are you in an area with relatively high CV cases and/or are you in a position where you can't keep your own risk down/distance etc?

The risk of CV being harmful to a baby is tiny but to his mother it could have long-term health implications. It's possible she doesn't want to run any risk of not being able to look after him - it's only a few weeks ago that the risk was deemed low enough to start living slightly more normally so it's not that weird that she is still being careful. Especially when you have a newborn and are bombarded with information about all the other 'risks' (meningitis, over heating, SIDS, etc etc - it can feel like you have to be permanently vigilant). Are you pressuring her to reduce the distancing she's comfortable with at all?

ComDummings Sat 18-Jul-20 23:09:49

Of course he will know you. My parents live in another country and my children knew and know them and love them loads. You’re seeing him, you’re talking to him, you can FaceTime, I know it’s hard, I truly do as a family member had a baby just after lockdown and I haven’t held her yet. I’ve been visiting in person though, she definitely knows me, she recognises my voice when we meet up. Try not to take it personally it’s just very shit timing and it will get better.

Lockdownseperation Sat 18-Jul-20 23:10:19

@Gin4thewin bubbles only apply if one household has only one adult member.

It’s hard but this is the reality for millions of families in the U.K. right now. When is going back to work? What is your social distancing like?

heartsonacake Sat 18-Jul-20 23:11:58

YABU. It’s not ideal, but surely it’s important to you to keep your grandson safe? And therefore you just have to put up with it.

If you push and/or can’t respect her wishes your socially distanced visits may come to an end.

Quarantino Sat 18-Jul-20 23:12:06

Also, if he's near enough to 'inadvertently touch you' I wouldn't call that at a distance - doesn't actually sound too bad if you're within baby-arm-length smile

Wynston Sat 18-Jul-20 23:12:35

Oh op......I wont let my parents touch or hug my dc.
I am so very afraid we might pass something on to them. We are both at work and my eldest has been to 3 school sessions.
They are both retired now with db living with them and he is shielding.
This is not me being unkind just so worried about putting them in danger.
I understand that things have to change and the risk is there but I am not ready yet.

heartsonacake Sat 18-Jul-20 23:13:13

Lockdownseperation

*@Gin4thewin* bubbles only apply if one household has only one adult member.

It’s hard but this is the reality for millions of families in the U.K. right now. When is going back to work? What is your social distancing like?

No, that’s not correct. Any two households of any size can create a bubble now.

pinkcarpet Sat 18-Jul-20 23:13:57

Unless you have joined a bunble with your daughter isn't she just following what the official guidance says? Have you actually asked her whether she will be happy for you to hold him once guidance changes, and social distancing is further reduced, likely to be in September? And given his age, he will not remember you unless you see him daily until he's closer to 6 months old so its far too soon to be worrying about what will happen when your daughter goes back to work. A lot can change in 3 months as we have seen since April.

Porcupineinwaiting Sat 18-Jul-20 23:14:58

So in 3 months time you'll be able to hold him all you like. That's good right? Sounds like it's all going to be fine.

DameLucy Sat 18-Jul-20 23:17:00

So, we live less than 2 miles away. Seriously it’s
Not all about me. She gives no reason. We had planned childcare before she was even pregnant,
I have A life. I’m early retired so I can just do what I want. I just want to help my daughter and actuality hug grandson. I just want to cry 😢

OP’s posts: |
Quornflakegirl Sat 18-Jul-20 23:18:30

He will know you, my dc know and love my mother who is 4000 miles away and has only seen them in person less than 15 times in 8 years. They pinch my phone to chat to her on Skype several times a day and I find messages they write to her on messenger all the time saying how much they love her.

mohasfluffytoes Sat 18-Jul-20 23:19:17

We are on the other side of this - have a four month old who was born just before lockdown. I can not describe to you the sheer terror I have felt throughout this pandemic. A mixture of first time mum anxiety plus newborn anxiety plus the fear that either I or DH will get ill and not be able to care for her or if she were to get ill and potentially separated from us. Because of lockdown, we are all she has known her whole life.
Your daughter maybe needs some more support and reassurance, especially if she's returning to work shortly. Perhaps ask her about what she might be comfortable with? Or what is concerning her especially. She might need some specialist support.

Quarantino Sat 18-Jul-20 23:20:04

I’m early retired so I can just do what I want.

Right, but are you mixing a lot with other people? That would be my concern as parent to a baby.
You say she hasn't given a reason but I imagine it's because there is actually quite a large and disruptive pandemic on that is ruining and ending lives - sorry to sound harsh but it's a bit complacent to think that you shouldn't be affected because it upsets you.
I do sympathise, it sounds tough, but are you able to think of the bigger picture at all?

heartsonacake Sat 18-Jul-20 23:20:08

DameLucy

So, we live less than 2 miles away. Seriously it’s
Not all about me. She gives no reason. We had planned childcare before she was even pregnant,
I have A life. I’m early retired so I can just do what I want. I just want to help my daughter and actuality hug grandson. I just want to cry 😢

The reason is obvious enough it doesn’t need to be stated - Coronavirus.

Isn’t it important to you to keep your grandson safe?

You are making it all about you by saying your desire for a hug trumps keeping him safe.

ineedaholidaynow Sat 18-Jul-20 23:20:18

How do you think people cope even without lockdown, who live miles away from grandchildren so only get to see them a few times a year?

You are going to be doing childcare in a few months time, I am assuming you will be able to cuddle him then

Lockdownseperation Sat 18-Jul-20 23:21:27

@heartonacake

This government guidance updated yesterday says otherwise

www.gov.uk/guidance/meeting-people-from-outside-your-household-from-4-july

mohasfluffytoes Sat 18-Jul-20 23:21:48

Also, your grandson will know you. DD knows the sound of my mum's voice from the weekly zoom calls. When we have met in person it's obvious she recognises her voice.

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