I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

[DameLucy]

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

Might be hard OP and I sympathise with you but with all due respect you should get over it. I live abroad and my parents saw and held my child when they were one and half year old. So they completely missed the chance to see them as a baby. They love her to bits but never ever said that 'oh we can't hold them'. My child is their first grand child. It is what it is and nothing personal. You are lucky you can atleast see him in person. Plus you will be having him over after three months and can enjoy his company as much as you want.

@toastmeahotcrossbun

The best thing you can do here is support your daughter and think about what you can do to be there for her

I think OP is doing more than enough.

You are most certainly being hugely unreasonable.
Just because he is your grandchild does not give you the right to touch him.
Just because you paid for the pram does not give you the right.
You maybe looking after him in three months...and hopefully the world will be a more ‘normal’ place by then.
Ultimately, his parents are doing their best in a pandemic to protect their new baby.
Having a baby in this time is incredibly stressful. I’m sure your daughter is doing what she thinks is best in this anxious time.
The support your daughter and grandson need is understanding and respect for her boundaries.

@biwinoone your situation is completely different and irrelevant to the OP

I really fail to see why you need to point out that you paid for your grandson’s pram. Do you think it gives you extra touching rights or something? Look, no one’s said it’s easy, but it’s the reality for a lot of people.

She’s not doing it for shits and giggles. She’s very likely doing it to protect her son (and possibly herself and her partner too).

Can you not form a bubble with their house?

I would self isolate for two weeks and give him a big granny cuddle !!

So how does she think childcare will work in 3 months? Coming into winter, flu season and goodness knows what will be happening with Covid. I’d reassess the childcare. Better to keep that professional and have a good relationship with your daughter.

@2155User
Can you not form a bubble with their house?

OP said "we" in their original post though. That sounds like living with a partner?
Still not supposed to be "bubbling" with couples.
Which is why MIL can bubble with us but my Mum and Dad can't.
It was extended last week to be able to go visit inside the house, but still not supposed to be hugging and kissing and instead keeping social distance.

So no I can’t create a bubble because she has a husband and so do I. I could just get on with my life because I can actually go to Spain or Italy right now but all I want to do is spend time with my grandson and his mum and dad. I do love my daughter and as lovely as it is seeing my grandson from afar it’s just not enough. I honestly feel like meeting up with my friends again. I know I sound like an arse but I’m really doing my best and it’s really hurtful

You are at greater risk from the child and the parents.

Call her bluff in three months saying you can't look after baby as you won't know routine and how things should be done. She is just being precious.

I really feel for you, it sounds very hard. It is also hard as parent and not knowing what to do for the best for your child.

My dd is 3 but I'm erring on caution and no doubt will have similar worries when this baby is born.
It's a very strange time, more so to have a baby in the pandemic and then try to work out the rules and how comfortable you feel with new baby even if rules allow some things. For this I can understand her pov but the pram touching does seem a little far.. Some wipes or hand gel and washing hands would go some distance..

Are you meeting up outside in a large space and she still feels concerned?

All I could suggest is an open conversation about what childcare may look like, considering that you will have such close contact and 3 m is not too far away..
Also just keep up with plenty of video calls, he will recognise your voice and your face etc.
Babies have such limited eyesight initially and I'm sure he will get just as much from you by being in his mums arms or playing and still hearing and seeing you so I'd not worry too much about the bond.. That'll come and even with physical touch it can be hard sometimes

Depends on where you live but we haven't been really out of lockdown long, these rules loosening are still a bit new, there's media and 2nd wave worries going on.. Its going to take time to feel comfortable with many things again.. Esp as a first time mum

Just remember that this is a short time, he has your lifetime to bond with you and cuddle and play with you, you will get this relationship with him

And.. Ditch facebook

Maybe she is being a little paranoid/precious first born but it sounds like she is largely following the guidelines so you can't blame her for that?

Speaking as a first time mum who had their baby a couple of days before lockdown who then spent 3 weeks in the NICU, not being able to see or hug my mum for weeks on end and no one meeting my son properly or much support post natal was horrendous. If anyone had tried to tell me how awful it was for them I probably would not have had much sympathy.

YABU to expect her to ignore government guidelines for your pleasure.
However it is unreasonable of her to demand you don’t go out or mix with people if she’s not letting you have close contact anyway.

Can’t you meet up with friends etc and still see your family with social distancing outside? If you’re not allowed to touch your grandson then wouldn’t that work? Best of both worlds?

No we aren’t in at “at risk” area so far. We go out and have a great relationship. But I’m literally sat there opposite side of the table while she’s seeing to him and I’m just sat there wanting to cry. You probably don’t understand as new parents. If you were in my shoes .... 😢

all I want to do is spend time with my grandson and his mum and dad

But you can spend time with them and it sounds like you have. You don't have a right as such to cuddle him. Why do you need to touch his pram? The best thing you can do is recognise that your daughter is the baby's mother and she gets to decide what she thinks best - a very very difficult decision for us all right now.

Tbf OP I don't think everyone in your shoes would want to cry if they couldn't hold the baby, many would be grateful that they can at least now visit. Maybe your daughter is also worried about passing something on to you?

The previous guidance to the 4th July was any household size + single adult household.

Now it is any two households of any size, so OP could form a support bubble with them if they were happy to.

People are getting confused and think it’s still single adult + any size only because of this line in bold:

“Those who have been able to form a support bubble ( which is those in single adult households ) can continue to have close contact as if they live with the other people in their bubble.”

Note the past tense - people who have and can continue - because it previously was any size + single adult. Now it is any two households of any size that can create a support bubble.

But OP has basically admitted she doesn’t care about her grandson’s safety because she wants a hug, so in her daughters shoes I wouldn’t allow her to take over childcare when work commences as she’s shown she isn’t to be trusted and will put her selfish nature first.

It must be very frightening to have a baby at the current time.

Unless you have had previous problems with her, she will just be really very afraid for her baby.

How often are you seeing them at the moment?

Your daughters child = her rules lm afraid. It’s her choice and her partners choice. There will be other parenting choices that she will make and you won't agree with. It doesn't matter what other people are doing on Facebook. Whether you bought the pram is neither here nor there

So you can see him regularly and sit at a table together? You do realise that there are thousands of people with new grandchildren who don't live close enough to do that and would give anything to be "in your shoes"?

Try putting yourself in your dd's shoes and imagine how terrifying it must be to have a baby during a pandemic. Yes she's being a bit OTT. But then so are you. And as a new mum and your dd, her needs trump yours.

I still think you are reading it wrong @heartsonacake. 2 households can now mix regardless of how many adults but they still need to social distance, they can't form a support bubble (where you don't need to social distance). Obviously this is if you are in England.

But regardless of the guidelines if OP's DD is not ready for no social distancing with the OP then the OP has to accept it.