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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

319 replies

DameLucy · 18/07/2020 22:56

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 19/07/2020 00:24

Now it is any two households of any size, so OP could form a support bubble with them if they were happy to.
Where does this come from?

saraclara · 19/07/2020 00:24

You don't have a right as such to cuddle him. Why do you need to touch his pram?

You know those instincts you have as a mother? Becoming a grandmother unleashes similar instincts. It's primal. That baby is part of our family, has our genes. We're primed to love and care for them in the same way (if now quite as strongly) as a parent does. It's been really hard not to reach for my granddaughter. She's seven months now and frequently reaches out to me - but I haven't been able to do anything about it. And it's been agonising.

I respected my daughter's decision, but to those of you who don't 'get it' please try to empathise a little. Especially when OP has been restricting her own life by isolating at her DD's request but still not getting to touch the baby.

AnneOfQueenSables · 19/07/2020 00:24

I'm so grateful that my DM is just glad her GDCs are healthy and isn't sitting crying because she can't hold them.

Aneley · 19/07/2020 00:26

We have a 7m old baby and my parents are allowed to see and touch her provided they've been observing all the rules. When my mum used public transportation, she had to wait 2 weeks before visiting us again - I know she loves our DD and wants to spend time with her but I am just not willing to take any risks with my baby. I don't tell my parents how to live their lives, I don't demand anything related to their lives but I am establishing rules for my own household and my baby. Babies DO get covid and apparently some kids who were positive to Covid have had MIS-C - an inflamatory disease similar to Kawasaki Syndrome (time.com/5842902/covid-19-kawasaki-disease/). Chances of a baby catching it may be low, but any chance it a chance too high in my book. I honestly do not care if others think I'm OTT - my child, my decision.

Pinkchocolate · 19/07/2020 00:27

I feel for you OP. My sister hasn’t let my nephew see any of my family (including our parents) because she’s only mixing with her husbands family. It breaks our heart, we miss him terribly.

MissConductUS · 19/07/2020 00:27

She's avoiding an easily avoidable risk. You could easily be an asymptomatic or presymptomatic carrier. That baby is depending on your daughter to keep him as safe as possible. That's what she's doing. Be thankful she's being cautious.

saraclara · 19/07/2020 00:31

@AnneOfQueenSables

I'm so grateful that my DM is just glad her GDCs are healthy and isn't sitting crying because she can't hold them.
How do you know? I certainly never let my daughter know how I felt or that I'd cried. I respected that it was her decision and never complained. It broke my heart but she never knew.
Original poster
DameLucy · 19/07/2020 00:31

Thank you @sanraclara I’ll just level it there xx

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 19/07/2020 00:32

I’m prepared to be hung out to dry for this, but you need to spend a day in my shoes

We've all spent the last four months in your shoes. She isn't being hurtful and she doesn't need to give you a reason. She is literally following the law and the government guidance because we're in the middle of a bloody pandemic.

Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's sad.

But I'm really fed up of all the people that seem to think their situation is worse than everyone else's or that this is some personal attack on them. Most people with the virus are asymptomatic for at least some of the time. You literally don't know who might have it. Following the rules only reduces the risk, but all of us are still at risk. Your daughter is (a) following the law and (b) protecting her baby and her mother. So you genuinely think she needs to explain her reasons for doing this 'hurtful' thing to you?

Get a grip.

Leaannb · 19/07/2020 00:33

This is the exact reason why so many people cut out grandparents

Original poster
DameLucy · 19/07/2020 00:33

Thank you @saraclaraclara xxx

OP posts:
CornishYarg · 19/07/2020 00:33

@heartsonacake Fairly recent explanation of household bubbles here (dated after 4 July anyway)

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/health-52637354

Under the section titled But What If...? it says "Households of two grandparents cannot bubble if their children live with other adults."

bridgetreilly · 19/07/2020 00:37

I honestly feel like meeting up with my friends again.

I don't understand why you aren't doing this, though. Your daughter doesn't get to dictate the rest of your life.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 00:45

@bridgetreilly

I honestly feel like meeting up with my friends again.

I don't understand why you aren't doing this, though. Your daughter doesn't get to dictate the rest of your life.

Im assuming op even seeing her gc. Is conditional on her doing as she's told
ceeveebee · 19/07/2020 00:55

@heartsonacake

The previous guidance to the 4th July was any household size + single adult household.

Now it is any two households of any size, so OP could form a support bubble with them if they were happy to.

People are getting confused and think it’s still single adult + any size only because of this line in bold:

“Those who have been able to form a support bubble ( which is those in single adult households ) can continue to have close contact as if they live with the other people in their bubble.”

Note the past tense - people who have and can continue - because it previously was any size + single adult. Now it is any two households of any size that can create a support bubble.

But OP has basically admitted she doesn’t care about her grandson’s safety because she wants a hug, so in her daughters shoes I wouldn’t allow her to take over childcare when work commences as she’s shown she isn’t to be trusted and will put her selfish nature first.

You are misunderstanding the guidance A support bubble can only be created between two households if one of them has a single adult in it. You cannot create a bubble between two household if they both have two adults in.

“ Making a support bubble with another household
In England, if you live by yourself or are a single parent with dependant children – in other words, if there is only one adult in your home – you can expand your close support network so that it includes one other household of any size. This is called making a ‘support bubble’ and means you are able to have close contact with them as you could if they were members of your own household.”

Paperthin · 19/07/2020 00:58

@DameLucy

No we aren’t in at “at risk” area so far. We go out and have a great relationship. But I’m literally sat there opposite side of the table while she’s seeing to him and I’m just sat there wanting to cry. You probably don’t understand as new parents. If you were in my shoes .... 😢
I’m now lost. You are seeing them across a table, you see them , you go out, you have a ‘great relationship’. What’s the issue? Your DD doesn’t want you to touch him, after you have sat in a public place? I think she is right. I think you are making it all about you, when it’s not, it’s about what she wants for her child.
LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 19/07/2020 01:03

We go out and have a great relationship. But I’m literally sat there opposite side of the table while she’s seeing to him and I’m just sat there wanting to cry. You probably don’t understand as new parents. If you were in my shoes ..

You say yourself you have a great relationship. You go out, you see your daughter and grandchild.
Surely you must understand though that under current guidelines you can't hug your grandchild?
However much that feels shit.
Your DD is doing nothing wrong.

1forAll74 · 19/07/2020 02:40

I think that you will have to go with the flow at the moment, and allow your daughter to do as she thinks. There is not point in getting upset at all. I am sure everything will fall into place at a later date.

Mum2b2020 · 19/07/2020 03:16

My baby was born at the peak of lockdown in April and I was very strict with my family about not going too near or holding her for at least 8 weeks. My parents sound like you OP and were making me feel really awful for trying to protect my daughter and to be honest I got sick of feeling so pressured. New parents have enough to worry about, never mind trying to learn how to be a parent during an international pandemic. My parents made me feel like my daughter's health came second to her need to brag to their friends about seeing or holding the baby, and even though we've decided to relax it a bit now I'm not sure I'll fully forgive them for that.

Be grateful that you're being allowed to see the baby from a distance for now and stop with the self pittying. I can promise you that your daughter will be fed up of it.

FuckYouCorona · 19/07/2020 03:19

As far as I know we are still in the middle of a pandemic & are only supposed to see people not living in our own household (on date of lockdown) from a social distance. I haven't seen my own DD since lockdown started, because she happened to be at her dads on that day & my DH went down with Covid 19. This is shit, I miss her, but it won't be forever!

Robs20 · 19/07/2020 03:28

My twins were born at the peak of the pandemic and so far have only been held my one grandparent, and that was after 2 weeks of social distancing. Other grandparents were still going out shopping, going to the garden centre (before lockdown was eased) and one is a key worker. My parents are on a 2 week ban from visiting atm because they went to the pub with 3 other households and haven’t been social distancing.

It sounds harsh but I have first hand experience of how awful viruses can be (my first daughter died from a winter virus last year....) and whilst it is not nice for anyone, I want to what I think is necessary to protect my children. OP, I’m sure this is not what your daughter wanted or expected when she fell pregnant, but hopefully you can be more involved soon.

HooNoes · 19/07/2020 03:31

My dd didn't know her childminder from Adam when she met her at 6 months old, nor did she give a shite. She was well looked after (registered childminder) and that's all that matters.
You sound like a fucking drain on your daughter's already limited resources. Jesus Christ, it is not about you. Give your daughter a break - her head is probably melted. She has a newborn to look after and a whinging mother? Grow the fuck up.

heidiealice · 19/07/2020 03:37

It's not what we've been doing and I do think your daughter is being extreme given you sound like you're being very careful with your other interactions but I think you need to respect her decision. The only thing I would suggest is to get on with your own life, see friends if you want otherwise you'll start to resent putting your life on hold.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 19/07/2020 03:43

I think your daughter is being slightly OTT given that in 3 months presumably you will be touching him to look after him when it suits her to go to work? The social distancing ‘guidelines’ and this shitty pandemic won’t disappear in 3 months time. Measured risks. My mum has been holding and cuddling my baby. He was born the day before the peak. I need her support my DH is military and she helps with baby when he is away long stretches. She’s retired. Observes the social distancing when out and with friends. Wears a mask shopping. Does all she can to keep risk low. As do I. I think your daughter is being a little harsh if you are keeping risk low as possible

jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 04:15

AnneOfQueenSables Sun 19-Jul-20 00:24:31
I'm so grateful that my DM is just glad her GDCs are healthy and isn't sitting crying because she can't hold them.
....
A very sensible grandmother.

Op your daughter is being absolutely correct at the moment, you cannot take chances with a baby's health.

She isn't going back to work for three months during which time, we hope, restrictions will relax and you will get to know your grandchild. If that is not the case and there is a further lockdown she probably won't be going back to work anyway.

I'm sorry you are sad but you are overdoing it a bit. Most of us just have to get on with things as they are. I hope you don't let your daughter know how you are affected, it will add to her stress and guilt trip her. It isn't all about you and your needs. Be independent.