I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

[DameLucy]

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

Tbh I think ur daughter is right we r in a pandemic. U can still c ur grandchild just not hold them atm.

This isn’t just about putting the baby at risk. While the baby may be at minimal risk of serious implications, the OP could still pass the virus to the baby who in turn could pass it to his mum, who could pass it to the baby’s dad, who, if he is working outside the home could go and merrily spread it around his colleagues and this is how the infection rates go up...

Everyone has been forced to stay away from people they love. I spoke to my ex MIL recently who said that she just didn’t know when she would get to see her grandchildren again. ILs’ daughter died last year so frankly they’ve been through enough.

I didn’t see my partner since the beginning of March until a week ago when he came for a socially distanced visit to my garden (I am shielding) and I don’t anticipate him coming to stay any time soon.

It’s hard but reality is that your situation is not unique.

It’s hard to do if you are a tactile person. Different people have different risk levels and it may be that you think that your DD is OTT. But giving your DD time and being patient (like you are doing) is going to make things better in the future. If you follow things how she likes it and are honest, she’ll probably trust you more with this baby and any subsequent ones. It is hard, but hopefully baby will grow and she’ll get less worried and will see that it is approaching the time you would look after baby anyway.

I'm wondering if your daughter is trying to protect you too? Has there been any bereavement in her life that has affected her? I think she's just highly anxious and understandably so.

@heartsonacake please read the next lines of the guidance before posting again. Yes, any two households can now meet up, inside or outside. But they have to practise social distancing even in someone's home. It's the next paragraph.

Support bubbles (where no distancing is required) remain as being a 'single adult' household mixing with another household to form one unit. OP and her daughter do not qualify as a support bubble so social distancing remains in place.

So she'll let you see your DGS in a socially distanced way, but is banning you from seeing any friends at all? Makes no sense.

It does amaze me how online debate (MN is a brilliant example of his) is absolutely full of people vilifying others over (in particular) masks (which in england are not yet required by government guidance and have exemptions anyway) but also vilifying people who are following the actual social distancing guidelines. Apparently in the latter case, it’s all about ‘using judgement’ and screw the guidelines because who knows when it might end etc. Anyone following those guidelines is just being ridiculous. It’s just so inconsistent.

I know it’s hard @DameLucy, but it’s the way it is right now. You will be building a relationship with your GC, just not in the way you imagined you would. No one imagined life was going to look like this. It will not be how your DD imagined early motherhood in the least.

Please try to accept your daughter’s wish to follow the guidance. I’d imagine that her getting annoyed at you ‘inadvertently touching the pram’ etc is because you’re coming too close (if you can touch the pram). Of course you’re tempted, but pushing the boundaries will not get you the cuddle you desperately crave.

You sound awful. Your daughter is scared for her little baby during a global pandemic. If I had expressed my wishes for you not to touch my child and you kept getting close enough to “brush past the pram” I wouldn’t see you at all for being so disrespectful. It’s not about you.

[quote DameLucy]@quarantinio @ heartsonacake @ ineedaholidaynow so I’m not mixing with anyone because daughter doesn’t think it’s appropriate. I get where you’re coming from but I’m getting really tired of this. Perhaps I’m ready to meet up with friends etc and have a coffee. I’m prepared to be hung out to dry for this, but you need to spend a day in my shoes 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Thing is, op...we are all in the same shoes.

They are just different sizes ... For example I am now 1 in 4 working in an office of what is usually 16+. We are holding the fort, working with & as closely as possible with people who are WFH - taking on their usual tasks etc, fielding all the calls, all the walk ins, all the while adhering to strict SD measures while in the office and maintaining the office as before (WHS, maintenance people etc), as well as having our days disrupted by mandatory mid-day cleaning, and covering sick leave & holiday for those IN the office. I did this for most part while having kids at home, homeschooling too. I am in South Australia, so thankfully our schools are running close to normal now, yet for a while I had to coordinate my girls & their learning as well as doing my job.

My friend is also a recent grandparent for the first time, also cannot hold her grandchild, and is doing her best to support her daughter and grandchild.

Because like you, she has NEVER had to raise her child during a pandemic. It's not easy... even now with mine back at school, they both have hand sanitiser and I am willing to pull them out as quickly as I need to. It's hard trying to keep your child/ren safe and manage expectations of those around you, but ultimately you have to focus on your child.

At this moment in time, you are not as unique as you think you are. I know you are saddened by what you are experiencing, but we are all walking in those shoes in some way, and making huge sacrifices ourselves. It needs understanding and patience.

As for those asking how baby will get used to grandma before childcare...how do you think children cope when they go into child care with unknown people? They adapt.

I haven’t cuddled anyone outside of my household since February. Surely that’s the same for everyone?

My mother lives on another continent. My oldest DCs have seen her in person probably a dozen times in their entire lives, and the youngest ones even less. They are now aged 19 to 30.

They all love her to bits.

It must be very hard OP but it’s your DD choice I’m afraid.
FWIW I’m in the same situation as your DD, DS born week before lockdown, first baby and grandchild.

We stuck to the rules fully until about 2-3 weeks ago. I wasn’t coping and so decided to no longer socially distance from my DM. She now comes over and freely helps with DS. It’s saved me from a MH point of view and now she’s very bonded with DS.

She has limited exposure outside her home though, occasional food shopping and a bit of personal care for my elderly gran (all wearing PPE)

Talk to your DD and address it. It will be traumatic for DS to be handed over for full days to someone he doesn’t know. My DS is very clingy as a result of lockdown.

I have a 5 month old and no one apart from me and DH have held her since lockdown. My MIL is extremely vulnerable but hasn't been following the shielding guidelines and has been meeting up with friends for most of the lockdown which is of course her choice but all of these people are also still working and meeting up with others. She also lives with SIL who is much the same and again, her choice but we decided that its too much of a risk. My own DM also hasn't held DD despite the fact she has followed the guidelines completely throughout and this is in the interests of being fair. We both have big families and most of them still work, the majority in a healthcare setting or one in which social distancing just isn't possible. We haven't enjoyed doing this but I have a condition which makes me more vulnerable (though is well controlled, so am not in the shielding category) and I had a very traumatic late pregnancy and delivery resulting in being in intensive care and was separated from my baby for two days. My anxiety and PTSD just don't allow me to be really chilled about it even when I know the risks are low. I'm very rational about most things but I can't be separated from her and I can't end up in intensive care again. I know it is hard on her wider family and we're doing our best to make sure everyone is still included in her life and she does still know her Nans, she smiles as soon as she sees them and this was following only seeing them on video call for weeks. It's hard being a new mum anyway without the pandemic!

We're in the middle of a global pandemic which is unprecedented in any of our lifetimes.

Take a look at threads on here about crazy things people did when their kids were little because they were so desperate to protect them - it's normal to be a bit pfb and in a global pandemic? It's bound to increase anxiety!!! Cut her some slack.

Additionally presuming you're the n England she's sticking to the guidelines and I think that's fair enough.

Also your comment re fact you bought the pram makes you sound pretty weird and mean tbh.

💐 for you op. I get it totally from your prospective.Talk to your DD as to me it sounds like she is v anxious.My understanding is that you should be in her ‘bubble’ and also I would feel the same as you in wanting to get to know my first GC.

If you're close enough to reach out and touch the pram, or sitting just across a table from them, it sounds as though you're already closer than recommended. It might be easier if you deliberately leave a larger gap between you and them so that DD's boundaries are clearly respected. Put your hands in your pockets when out walking, or behind your back perhaps.

I totally understand your unhappiness at not being able to do all the things you expected to do with the baby. But remember that your DD is protecting the baby, you are getting to see him, and he doesn't know any different anyway.

[quote DameLucy]@quarantinio @ heartsonacake @ ineedaholidaynow so I’m not mixing with anyone because daughter doesn’t think it’s appropriate. I get where you’re coming from but I’m getting really tired of this. Perhaps I’m ready to meet up with friends etc and have a coffee. I’m prepared to be hung out to dry for this, but you need to spend a day in my shoes 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
I think you need to start taking control of your own life. You can meet up to 5 others outside or have another family inside with current guidelines.

Don't sit around waiting for your DD and allowing her to dangle you from her strings.

If you want things to do there are plenty of places calling out for volunteers in this current climate.

You sound really entitled & histrionic. We are all walking in your shoes. Your shoes are no more unique than anyone else’s.

The way you describe wanting to cry while visiting your grandson but can’t hold him has my eyes rolling. Two members of my family have had babies during covid & have not been able to even visit them yet. You’re sat in the same room but it’s still not good enough for you? Get a grip love.

It sounds quite rude & passive aggressive to point out that it’s a pram you paid for - so because you gifted a pram you should be entitled to touch the baby? And if you can’t touch him well then screw that you’re going to go out to the pub with friends ? Do whatever you like, it’s your choice. Your daughter also has the right to choose how she protects her child during the covid crisis.

Have you put yourself in your daughter’s shoes as a stressed new mother? This post sounds really self centred. It’s like the OP thinks we can’t possibly imagine how awful her situation is - this is really quite a mild problem, many have had it way worse this year.

I can understand that it's very upsetting for you, but I cannot blame your daughter. As a new mum you are absolutely bombarded with warnings about what could kill your baby. Health visitors interrogate you about sleep, you're exhausted and terrified of falling asleep on the sofa with them, they have early checks for all sorts of catastrophic stuff, you're faced with a raft of judgement on social media whether you breast or formula feed. Can you really be upset with her for following government guidance on social distancing?

I do think you should talk to her about a plan for when she goes back to work. I imagine she's dreading it so she's not fully thought it through. It will help to do some settling sessions for you and the baby to get used to each other but frankly that doesn't need to be for another couple of months. She may have exacting requirements about what she needs you to do in order to have him. Then it will be up to you to decide what is more important to you - friends or having the baby.

I wish people would stop saying you can form a social bubble. No, if you're in England the guidance says you cannot. It's very clear - you can meet indoors or outdoors but you have to socially distance.

This is the guidance: www.gov.uk/guidance/meeting-people-from-outside-your-household-from-4-july

It says:
single adult households – in other words adults who live alone or with dependent children only – can continue to form an exclusive ‘support bubble’ with one other household

It's ok to feel how you feel. It's a huge thing that's happened this year. It's robbed people of many things. Whilst we all say to eachother try and find the positives. It's ok to acknowledge the negatives and what this is doing to you personally. Babies grow so fast. It really is unfair that soany families have missed out on all the precious time. It's lovely you want to be involved too with the baby. You sounds lovely.

I think she's being cautious that's all. It's made alot of us feel abit scared. I also appreciate that some mums will be terrified of their babies catching it.

I think this winter will be testing. I think alot of normal viruses will spread around too and it's going to be a very stressful few months. But hopefully by spring we will be through the worst of this pandemic. Next year hopefully will be much more positive.

I don't have much advice but I do sympathize with you. I went through a stage of being so upset about my daughter missing half of reception. I've had to come to terms with it and it is what it is now. I'm trying to "forget" those kids she got close to and the parents we stood with. Because September is a new year and the kids will be divided across 3 classes and mixed in with year 2s. So many of her friends won't be in her bubble. But she will make new ones I'm sure.

The baby will adjust to you caring for them in no time. Still will be a lovely age when you get to care for them too. Try and keep going. We are one day closer to things being better 🤞

Having had premature twins in January and been locked down with them pretty much since then, I have so much sympathy for your daughter - she probably feels torn apart with guilt, much as I do, for keeping you apart from her child when the world is full of people acting as normal.

Every day I see friends posting photos or talking about spending time with their grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. They're holding them, hugging them and doing all the things I'd love for my children to do with those I love.

But I'm following the guidelines, not because I'm brainwashed, but because I'd never, ever forgive myself if my babies passed on the virus through being held or became ill because they'd been handled by someone with it. They're always being sick and dribbling so if they have it, I imagine they're pretty risky to anyone.

It's just dreadful. I'm doing all I can to make sure they have contact with their grandparents via daily FaceTime calls, garden visits and now we'll also go round and socially distance in their house. But I'm still uncomfortable because my parents are mixing with their other grandchildren now, too, and they're not socially distancing from them.

Luckily my parents are being very understanding of my stance on the situation and are doing their best to interact with the babies in any way they can, without touching them yet.

Every week, we wait for guidance on when things will change and becoming more disheartened by the day. If your daughter's feeling anything like we are, life is hard enough and she probably doesn't need to feel any worse for complying with guidelines that were established in a bid to mitigate some of the impact of this virus.

It's awful for you but it's awful for everyone. It won't last forever and your grandchild is young enough for it to have zero impact on their relationship with you. Please, for your daughter's sake, dig deep into your reserves of patience and understanding because she probably doesn't want this situation any more than you do.

When you eventually look after baby (when your DD goes back to work), how will your DD reconcile with the fact then out of interest? How will she deal with mixing with work colleagues and then returning home to baby? I understand risk but it has got to the point where it makes no sense. Rammed up against a hundred different strangers on public transport, sharing a small space with lots of work colleagues, Going to a hotel and sitting in a cafe/restaurant albeit a metre or two apart but touching surfaces that you can only trust have been cleaned enough and using loos that have not been cleaned between patrons. Eating food prepared by strangers and brought to your table by strangers but not allow a GP to hold baby as it is too dangerous. Hmm...It's all meaningless.

This post actually makes me feel quite angry. Do you know how lucky you are? I haven't seen my mum at all this year yet, because she lives far away. She'd planned a March visit and then covid hit.

My daughter is two now, so my mum has missed out on over a quarter of her grandchild's life at this point. We will never get that time back. It's heartbreaking but we're still among the lucky ones.

OP it sounds like you have no sense of perspective. There's a global pandemic, the UK alone has tens of thousands dead and we've all had our personal lives affected because of covid. People have lost the chance to say goodbye to dying loved ones, they've missed funerals, had weddings cancelled, it's impacted all of us and it sucks and nobody hasn't made some kind of personal sacrifice during all of this.

Your daughter is following government guidelines, not deliberately excluding you. Please stop guilt tripping her, she's already probably under a ton of stress without you adding to it.