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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

319 replies

DameLucy · 18/07/2020 22:56

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 19/07/2020 12:03

Unless you are living alone and she can bubble with you it's against the law for you to be closer than 1m+

We have a 9 month old and bubbled with my mum a month ago. My dd is just getting used to her now and let's her hold her without crying. Usually cries a bit on her first arriving but then ok. This has taken time though.

We didn't let my mother touch us or the children until the law changed.

AlexTheLittleCat · 19/07/2020 12:12

I understand it is hard for you, but she is following the guidelines to keep the baby (and everyone else) safe.

I'm also doing the same, not just for the children but for the grandparents sake (although I think they are being less careful than we are, despite having underlying medical conditions). I don't want any of us to catch coronavirus, but it's more about not wanting to pass it on to anyone more vulnerable inadvertently by contributing to it spreading.

Everyone is having a tough time at the moment, for different reasons.

M5ybelle · 19/07/2020 12:17

My Grandson was born during lockdown, spent 5 days in hospital. The day we met him outside at a distance he had feeding problems later that day and stopped breathing, paramedics revived him and he had another 2 days in hospital. He's growing well now and we do see him and have held him. Mum might have ended up unable to care for him without our help and support. People have been allowed to have nannies come into the home. Our other grandchild is 19 months and goes to nursery as parents are key workers not medical. What really interests me is that your daughter is going back to work soon and you will then be looking after your grandchild without knowing their quirks and routines, for me I haven't changed a baby boy, fed him, tried to wind him in his usual way and necessary way, put him down to sleep. I couldn't do that i wouldn't know what to do or have the confidence without having built up a relationship. You are not being unreasonable. You are thinking ahead and are living with this in these very different circmstances. My daughter knows how strong my bond is with my other grandchild her niece and all the things she did as a baby; swimming, mums and tots, sensory, cuddles with grandma, an understanding between me and her. I'm developing that with my grandson i don't go to shops or see many people which is fine..he has been held by numerous nurses and midwives, doctors and paramedics all more risky than me.

MrsTidyHouse · 19/07/2020 12:18

[quote Shantotto]@MrsTidyHouse In Scotland children can get close to adults. They specifically said grandparents can hug their grandchildren now when they relaxed the rules.[/quote]
Thanks for letting me know.

Apologies to PP

vikingwife · 19/07/2020 12:21

It must be an English term but find the term “bubble” in relation to Covid so sappy. Someone else here referred to it as “cocooning”.

I know our governments has to come up with friendly sounding phrases to make lockdown life sound more appealing than it is, but still....

OverTheRainbow88 · 19/07/2020 12:22

@ColdCottage

We didn't let my mother touch us or the children until the law changed.

This was changed people people living alone were getting lonely and they were worried about people’s mental health.
Just because the rule changed doesn’t mean it’s safe. Why would it be safer for one person living alone to form a bubble with another family than 2 people living together who are following all the other ‘rules’ forming a bubble with another family.

I wouldn’t just make decisions based blindly on what good old Boris is saying!

kierenthecommunity · 19/07/2020 12:25

I’m just sat there wanting to cry. You probably don’t understand as new parents. If you were in my shoes

Bet that’s a barrel of laughs for your DD and DSIL, sitting opposite someone all wobbly lipped and strangled voice.

Is holding a baby REALLY the be all and end all? I’d put it under the category of disappointing but then so have a load of other things this year. I had to cancel going to Gran Canaria so try being in my size fives

gutentag1 · 19/07/2020 12:35

Why are so many grandparents on here obsessed with touching children? I keep seeing threads about it recently and it's really puzzling to me. I am convinced it's a control thing, not liking being told what to do by your kids - especially after your pram comment.

It is so not worth the risk, your priority should be keeping the baby safe.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/07/2020 12:40

Why are so many grandparents on here obsessed with touching children?
It’s called affection Hmm

Wecandothis99 · 19/07/2020 12:42

It's also keeping you safe, you're more at risk than him

InFiveMins · 19/07/2020 12:54

Your daughter is being way too over the top about this. Of course she should let you cuddle your grandson. Give her a call and sort it out.

Signalbox · 19/07/2020 12:55

Why are so many grandparents on here obsessed with touching children?

Yeah it’s odd. And you can imagine that as soon as OP gets their way they will then be “heart broken“ if the daughter rules out kissing etc.

It’s called affection

“Affection” that is unwanted by the child’s parent seems a bit misplaced.

Monkeymilkshake · 19/07/2020 12:56

Strange how you feel you need to say you paid for the pram. Was it a gift or did you expect something in return?
Are you upset because you can't hold your gramdson or because you're not meeting friends?
Why not just speak to you dd directly about this rather than some strangers on the internet?
I'm sure your grandson will know and love you. He's only 4months old!

Itisbetter · 19/07/2020 12:58

I am SO glad my mother isn’t so silly as to put wanting a cuddle ahead of keeping safe. Honestly, just grow up OP. Your daughter and DIL are living through extraordinary times with tiny babies. Make it about them. Parents have lived separate from their own small children to keep them safe while saving others. You are being quite stupendously childish.

Missybishop · 19/07/2020 13:07

I have to agree with the majority on here . It cant be about you and how ur feeling. Its about your grandson and staying safe . Surely thats more important to you than anything else. You sound petty saying the pram which i bought him .... ?? A bit childish . ? As a mother u need to be more supportive of your daughter.

OverTheRainbow88 · 19/07/2020 13:08

I don’t think OP deserves to be called silly and childish. This has been a hard time for everyone not just mums to young babies.

Itisbetter · 19/07/2020 13:14

I do @OverTheRainbow88 and I am neither young nor are any of my children babies.

jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 13:15

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 19-Jul-20 12:40:00
Why are so many grandparents on here obsessed with touching children?
It’s called affection hmm
...
Yes and that is natural but surely it is obvious that it would be inappropriate at the moment? Or at least the baby's mother believes so. It doesn't kill any of us to go without something non essential for a while and certainly in this instance there is no need to be in tears. I just hope the grandmother doesn't cry and act bereft to her daughter; that really would be unfair pressure at a time when her daughter has enough to do and think about.

Anyone would think this situation is going to last forever.

HarrietM87 · 19/07/2020 13:36

The childcare justification is just irrelevant. I posted earlier but to repeat, if a child was going to be starting at nursery or a childminder in 3 MONTHS they wouldn’t be having settling time now. It’s a week or two at best. And for the grandchild and OP it’s still much better than that would be as they are seeing each other regularly now and she will be familiar to him when the time comes. As for needing to understand winding etc...what 7 month old needs winding?! And if they do, does it require 3 months’ practice?

It’s obviously ok to want to hold your grandchild (and also ok for the mother not to allow it at the moment), but the childcare thing is neither here nor there.

LBB2020 · 19/07/2020 14:00

My DS is almost 3 and since March none of his grandparents have touched, hugged or kissed him. We’ve met up for walks with them and they’ve respected that we’re doing what we think is best and safest for our family. We’re following the guidelines and if that makes us ridiculous or over cautious so be it! I’m also pregnant and if the guidelines are still the same when the new baby arrives no one will be touching or cuddling them either. It’s a strange and difficult time for everyone but people need to do what makes them feel safe without being judged or made to feel guilty or silly!

stormy11 · 19/07/2020 14:05

Its not all about you. You have no idea how hard it is to be a first time mum in global pandemic! Stop being selfish. Your grandsons health should be the most important thing.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/07/2020 14:15

It doesn't kill any of us to go without something non essential for a while and certainly in this instance there is no need to be in tears hate this mentality, how long is “for a while”- who the hell is anyone to judge what people can cope without? Human interaction is pretty high up for mental health

ChocoholicMama · 19/07/2020 14:36

OP, you are making this about you and YABU, although I do sympathise. Your daughter has every right to decide what’s best for her family and young child, and she has decided to follow social distancing. You are not respecting her wishes (touching the pram and baby accidentally touching you means you are trying to get closer than she is comfortable with). Keep it up and you’ll find those socially distanced visits get less and less. Everyone is affected by the current situation, and people are choosing to take different levels of risk and everyone has different opinions on that, but you do not have the right to impose your level of risk on your daughter. Start seeing your friends again, and you can do that whilst remaining socially distanced which shouldn’t affect your socially distanced visits to your grandson, as long as you respect the distance your daughter wants. If I was your daughter (and I’m due a second soon so will be with a newborn at the beginning of the winter season), your lack of respect for my wishes would be causing me to reconsider seeing you until you could follow social distancing around the baby and me. I suspect she’s considering what she will do in three months time about the job situation too.

HarrietM87 · 19/07/2020 14:40

OnlyFools I suppose it depends on what you mean by human interaction though doesn’t it? The baby won’t care whether he’s being held or not by the grandmother. Sounds like she gets to see and interact with him regularly in person anyway. She can still show him toys, talk to him, sing to him, read to him while he’s in his pram or on his mum’s knee. I know it’s lovely to cuddle a baby but it’s not a right. It’s also not actually allowed at the moment.

Cauliflower82 · 19/07/2020 14:44

I think you risk damaging the relationship you have with your daughter permanently. As a FTM during the pandemic, my baby being the same age as your grandson, the guilt I have felt about following the guidelines is immense. It’s not something my husband and I have decided on lightly but we don’t want anyone holding our baby just yet. The pressure coming from some people has been incredibly hard to take, harder than anything else during this pandemic.

Your daughter is doing what she thinks is best and you should respect that. Her and her partner are doing this all on their own and it’s not easy. Cut her some slack. Just be there for her and ask her how she’s doing. Believe me this is not how she envisioned bringing her child into the world.