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To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

(275 Posts)
JumboTheElephant Thu 02-Jul-20 10:45:29

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
garbagegirl Thu 02-Jul-20 10:47:22

You have no idea how heavily she had invested in this before that positive test even came up. It's not up to you to decide on someone elses grief. Be a better friend

Suzie6789 Thu 02-Jul-20 10:47:29

Testing early isn’t always a good thing.
I think you just need to keep schtum though as you may lose a friend if she’s still very sensitive about and and you aren’t.

JumboTheElephant Thu 02-Jul-20 10:50:24

I am being sensitive - I just find it hard to know what to say when I don't really think she's being reasonable about 'losing a baby' one day after finding out she was pregnant months later.

I got it at the time - it must be really disappointing - but I don't know how to express to her that I'm sure it doesn't mean she's infertile etc etc because it's quite a common occurrence when any suggestion of this is met with denial that it's common and the insistence that it's happened twice now.

OP’s posts: |
LaurieMarlow Thu 02-Jul-20 10:50:41

It's not up to you to decide on someone elses grief. Be a better friend

This. With bells on.

Early miscarriages may be common. It doesn’t mean they aren’t devastating. She may have waited a long, long time for that BFP.

JumboTheElephant Thu 02-Jul-20 10:51:48

It was after month 2 of trying - so not a long long time. We're close enough friends that I know that.

OP’s posts: |
PinkyU Thu 02-Jul-20 10:52:29

Op, when a woman is trying for a baby, even before they are pregnant, that baby already exists in their mind. They can imagine it’s sex, it’s name, it’s smile, almost hear it’s coo’s and fist laugh. Some imagine what the nursery room will look like, the first day at school etc.

When they see that second line, their baby exists and is already much loved.

Your friend isn’t grieving a miscarriage, they are grieving their baby they had imagined and loved.

Perhaps thinking about your friends thoughts and feeling in those terms may help you understand her experience better?

PinkyU Thu 02-Jul-20 10:54:13

Apologies if that seemed patronising.

AdultFishcakes Thu 02-Jul-20 10:54:49

I get you. I wonder if your point is because you feel she’s getting herself awfully upset over something that until the advent of super early testing would have just been a “late, heavy period”?

Whilst I’m also reading this as you think she’s milking it, you definitely want to keep schtum on that.

LaurieMarlow Thu 02-Jul-20 10:55:17

We're close enough friends that I know that.

You need to try a bit harder to support her then. She’s clearly upset. It’s not up to you to tell her she shouldn’t be or minimise her feelings.

LunaNorth Thu 02-Jul-20 10:55:31

It happened to me years ago and I still feel sad. I wanted that baby.

Then again a few years later. No positive test. Just miscarried in the shower. I’m sad about that too.

Be a better friend.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Thu 02-Jul-20 10:55:47

I found out I was pregnant and then, around a week later, I started to bleed. It was around the time my period was due. You know what? I sobbed my heart out. DH and I were so excited to be pregnant and had already begun to love the little bundle of cells inside me. A friend asked me the following day if I was ok and I sobbed again.

YABU! As a PP said, you don’t get to decide her grief.

JumboTheElephant Thu 02-Jul-20 10:56:04

Pinky, I agree, and this is why I understood why she was upset after it happened.

But things like now talking about having a MC when she was a teenager even though she never thought this at the time and didn't take a test?

I think part of the problem here is that she has a history of being really, really dramatic and OTT in quite an attention-seeking way and it does affect my interpretation of things.

OP’s posts: |
Ellisandra Thu 02-Jul-20 10:56:04

I had a missed miscarriage discovered at the 13 week scan, after 4 years of trying, and had to take the same medication as those choosing a termination to start the process, and go through contractions etc.

I am not offended by her.

Be a better friend and STFU trying to minimise her experience and grief.

There are drama llamas out, maybe she isn’t actually that upset at all and she’s milking it for all it’s worth... I’d rather given her than attention that risk being a shitty friend to someone who has lost their wanted pregnancy.

garbagegirl Thu 02-Jul-20 10:56:29

I have had a couple of friends who miscarried at 4weeks ish and like you, I didn't see it as much more than a heavy period but I understood that that was definitely NOT how they felt so I kept schtum and let them grieve as that was what they needed to do.

Rowan8 Thu 02-Jul-20 10:58:16

I’d take tail and run @JumboTheElephant. I sympathise with you for having a needy over dramatic friend, which only you know to what extent. There are always those who feel the need to shove their sh!t down your throat and don’t/won’t reciprocate. But when it comes to a MC, it’s not going to be thought to kindly. IMO the real issue is your friends ongoing need for attention outside her MC.

PinkyU Thu 02-Jul-20 11:01:31

For some women though an early miscarriage can be obviously different than a regular period, there may be clots and (depending on accuracy of conception) tissues passed.

She may very well have also suffered a miscarriage in her youth but not recognised it at the time, but now with experience realised that it may have been.

Your friend will eventually find techniques to manage her grief, give her time.

Ellisandra Thu 02-Jul-20 11:01:31

Oh and I also believe I had a very earlier, untested for, miscarriage. There was one time that I was sure I was pregnant. Never had breasts like it. Actually pulled into a service station and took my bra off (long drive) as it was suddenly far too small and uncomfortable. A few days later, I was mildly upset with a negative test (trying for 2 years at this point) and had the heaviest period of my life. Thought nothing of it - I was used to symptom spotting and hoping by then. It wasn’t until 2 years later and a confirmed pregnancy that I thought - oh my god, this is how my breasts were. It was too long ago for me to be upset about that pregnancy in its own right. But the realisation that I may have had 2 miscarriages gave me an extra layer of fear - will I be one of the women who has multiples miscarriages?

If you find her drama tedious generally - distance yourself as a friend. She can do better than people who are catty about her on the internet anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

JaniceWebster Thu 02-Jul-20 11:01:40

Stay well out of it, and do NOT say anything ever, you will always come across as the bad guy.

You are not wrong at all, but really, it's the same as women having their period when they are desperately TTC. It can be devastating. Try to see it like that.

Doyoumind Thu 02-Jul-20 11:02:10

Did you join MN just to moan about your friend? Any why did you tell us she was female?!

You can't know how she is feeling. Perhaps help her find ways to cope. If she's 'milking' it, it suggests she has issues anyway.

JumboTheElephant Thu 02-Jul-20 11:03:55

To give background, she's always been very high maintenance and needy and effectively gets angry with me if I'm not always on the end of the phone. So there's a history of me always having to be there for her at whatever time - she once didn't speak to me for days because I told her I'd call her back 20 minutes later when she was upset about an argument she'd had with her boyfriend, because my partner's uncle had just died overnight and I needed to be there for him, too - and so I guess this latest thing just feels like 'another' thing I have suddenly be there for her about for months on end.

So I get why maybe I come across as insensitive, but there really is a history of being very attention-seeking there. But I take on board that many women do feel similarly in this situation.

OP’s posts: |
BeingATwatItsABingThing Thu 02-Jul-20 11:05:03

It doesn’t sound like you actually like her. Maybe distance yourself from her completely.

JaniceWebster Thu 02-Jul-20 11:05:22

Why on earth are you friend with someone so needy? That's what i always find puzzling. Who has got time for such childish drama!

LaurieMarlow Thu 02-Jul-20 11:05:47

It doesn’t sound like you like her much OP. Why are you such close friends with her if she’s so needy and attention seeking?

LaurieMarlow Thu 02-Jul-20 11:06:02

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