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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

274 replies

JumboTheElephant · 02/07/2020 10:45

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

OP posts:
User43210 · 02/07/2020 20:48

In all honesty, the friend does sound like hard work, and if you're feeling this way, maybe find a way to distance (at a suitable time so she won't comment to mutual friends that you ditched her in her time of need)

Whilst I believe she has every right to be upset, if she sucks all your energy over things and doesn't treat you with the same respect, maybe reevaluate if she's worth your time.

User43210 · 02/07/2020 20:49

Sorry for the double post. My phone said it was not posted and asked me to retry!Confused

Lozz22 · 02/07/2020 22:33

*A friend of mine had a "miscarriage"
At 21 weeks. Pretty sure it doesn't compare.
*
What a stupid thing to say!! An early loss hurts just as much and there's always the wonder of who the Baby would look like, were they a boy or a girl, some women don't even have a scan photo to look at with an early loss. I lost my last Baby when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I had 3 early scans due to my previous losses but never got a scan picture because Baby had no heartbeat on my 7 week one and by the time I had gone back 2 weeks later to see if the heartbeat was there it was too late and I was starting to miscarry. My other 3 I lost too early to have scans and lost in the toilet. The only solace I have this time is that I was able to miscarry naturally at home and catch it as it came out and bury this Baby's remains in a heart shaped planter, which now takes pride place on my dressing table.

NotMyTimes · 02/07/2020 23:08

A friend of mine had a "miscarriage"
At 21 weeks. Pretty sure it doesn't compare.

Why does it bloody have to compare

Would you compare someone who's child died at 1 month versus 5 years old vs 20 years old vs 40 years old?

Would you compare someone who's mum died in childbirth, to one who died when they were 10, to when they were 20 or 40 or so on?

Would you compare someone who's spouse died a year into their marriage to one who died 20 years in?

No! Because you just recognise that they are all tragedies and that the person left behind is experiencing loss and grief no matter what. And that there's no right way for an individual to grieve their own loss. It's no one else's business beyond supporting the individual through navigating their loss - no one else gets to judge or comment on it.

Noconceptofnormal · 02/07/2020 23:20

If this had happened to me I'd feel incredibly sad.

When I was ttc I was always very impatient each month to know whether I was pregnant and would always, start testing from about 10 days after ovulation. If I had got a BFP then had a period I would have been very upset as all that hope and joy would be dashed.

Obviously in the past women would have had miscarriages they'd never known about, but if you're actively ttc then this is not the case any more.

Louise24902 · 02/07/2020 23:32

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this.

Yes YABU. From that last sentence right there I'm assuming that you have never experienced a MC? In which case I'm sorry but you don't get to say how you would react or feel - nobody knows how it will hit them until they're in that position.

I have had 2 chemicals and a MC in March nearly 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant, we have been trying for nearly 2 years now and I was devastated.
It doesn't matter if you have been trying for a month or a year, when you have made that decision to start TTC it's because you really want a baby, chances are you've already pictured your own little family and holding that baby, names etc. She was probably over the moon when she got that positive test, and in that moment it would have became very real to her, it doesn't matter that it's a day/week/month later, to have that baby (that is very real) to suddenly be taken away- it is devastating. To be honest to be basically saying that because it's been a couple of months she should be over it and stop talking about it because "it was only the next day - some women don't even know they're pregnant because they don't test that early" is ridiculous, the point is she did test and did know that there was a baby and you have no right to say she's being melodramatic because a couple of months on she is still grieving.

To be honest, if any of my friends had the opinion that you have (enough of one to post on an online forum asking if your "friend" is justified in still grieving!!!) then I would want to know because they are not the kind of "friend" that I would want in my life.
Until you have walked a mile in her shoes, don't judge.

Graphista · 02/07/2020 23:49

So you've never had a mc? Hmm

Yabu and I think you know you are.

Be supportive or don't pretend you're her friend.

I've lost 3 babies via 2 mc both in 1st trimester and 1st quite early on, barely knew I was pregnant like your friend.

Doesn't make it ANY less upsetting or worrying!

It is NOT just "disappointing" it's heartbreaking, it's a loss of future hopes and plans, it makes you worry about your reproductive health, it impacts your relationship, it impacts your future pregnancies as you're scared to believe it will go well....

You are seriously lacking in empathy and compassion

I am hoping you are quite young yourself though that's really no excuse.

Do better, learn more about how women who mc feel

The babies I lost would be in their 20's now and I still think of them all the time and especially on the anniversaries of loss and due dates - this is fairly common.

My aunt and gran also suffered losses which I didn't learn about until I had my 2nd as I'd not told anyone about the first until then. They too remembered and grieved those babies and they were far older and longer past the losses than your friend currently is.

Has she even reached the rough due date stage yet? Because until she does she will likely be thinking about how pregnant she would be, what she'd be doing if she were still pregnant (buying clothes, arguing over baby names with dh...) and then after that she will be thinking how old they'd be, what milestones they might have been reaching etc

You actually don't sound as if you even like her very much, you certainly don't respect her

Her experience regarding the earlier one is very similar to mine - what that can mean and was the case for me was that not only did she not "deal" with that pregnancy medically, she didn't do so emotionally either.

During/after my 2nd mc all the feelings I'd suppressed from then came flooding out. I was a mess!

Luckily I had a v supportive dh and friends with me.

ImFree2doasiwant · 03/07/2020 00:21

@Lozz22 Im sorry for your losses.

In the case of OPs friend, i dont think what is essentially a very slightly late period, is anything like losing a baby at 21 weeks. I don't consider my own, at 8 or 9 weeks, to be anything like it, either.

We are all different.

1300cakes · 03/07/2020 03:29

Graphista rtft OP has had a mc

YukoandHiro · 03/07/2020 03:51

Until you've been through it, don't judge. Early miscarriages are very painful emotionally. It's not just the loss; it's the questions it raises about the potential to carry to term afterwards. It's huge.

I would suggest you look at what's making you react in such an unkind way to someone else's pain.

phoenixearthworm · 03/07/2020 04:01

@JumboTheElephant

I don't have a low opinion of my friend, I have a nuanced opinion of her, which takes into account flaws and strengths.
Does it take into account that you appear to be a rather unpleasant person ?
phoenixearthworm · 03/07/2020 04:01

@JumboTheElephant

I don't have a low opinion of my friend, I have a nuanced opinion of her, which takes into account flaws and strengths.
Does it take into account that you appear to be a rather unpleasant person ?
BuggerMeSausage · 03/07/2020 05:21

We are all different

Well yes... That's the point.

sofato5miles · 03/07/2020 10:27

You should ask yourself why this annoys you so much. Your reaction says more about your emotions about this and towards her in general. Also to have such a string reaction is probably i indicative of something larger towards her and your own experiences/ general emapthy

MamaLion1319 · 03/07/2020 10:32

There's no "background" or "context" that you can spin on this that will what you've said okay. What a nasty, cold hearted piece of work you are. I hope your friend gets rid of you sharpish.

gotothecooler · 03/07/2020 11:29

There's no "background" or "context" that you can spin on this that will what you've said okay. What a nasty, cold hearted piece of work you are.

Not any more 'nasty' or 'cold hearted' than having a go at someone who has a genuine medical diagnosis which changes how they view the world. Do you not understand that, or have you chosen to ignore the Aspergers in favour of your rant?

MamaLion1319 · 03/07/2020 14:15

@gotothecooler didn't see she said she had Aspergers.

Very sorry OP I take that back. I hope PP have given you insight into how your friend is feeling. Also you are not obliged to listen if it is overwhelming for you.

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2020 14:17

MamaLion1319
To be fair to the OP, they've also acknowledged that they'd not be feeling this way if it was a different friend in the situation and actually they can now see how their friend's behaviour over time has contributed to their feeling now.

Sometimes there's a straw that breaks the camels back.

Original poster
JumboTheElephant · 03/07/2020 14:22

Thank you everyone. I genuinely have learned from this thread and really hope haven't hurt/offended anyone.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 03/07/2020 14:28

@JumboTheElephant

Thank you everyone. I genuinely have learned from this thread and really hope haven't hurt/offended anyone.
Very fair play to you for coming back on and saying so

A lot of people would just have walked away

Graphista · 03/07/2020 18:28

@1300cakes I have! Inc filtering and reading all ops posts I'm just sceptical as she initially said she hadn't

EmbarrassedUser · 03/07/2020 18:46

Well you’re a peach @JumboTheElephant Glad you’re not my friend as I wouldn’t be confiding anything in you HmmBiscuit

User43210 · 04/07/2020 07:23

[quote Graphista]@1300cakes I have! Inc filtering and reading all ops posts I'm just sceptical as she initially said she hadn't [/quote]
Exactly this. The OP said "if I had had a MC" so how did it change to quickly. Hmmm Hmm

MummaW88 · 04/07/2020 08:46

@JumboTheElephant you probably don’t need my input bu this point, but just to say I get the whole having a dramatic friend thing - and as others have said maybe you need to question the friendship if you feel so strongly about it.

In terms of her feelings and having these sorts of conversations going forward, I would definitely steer clear of minimising someone’s loss on the basis of it “only” being 2 days. And also, I know when I had my miscarriage, one of the things I hated most was people saying “hey but at least you know you can get pregnant!” I know it’s intended to be helpful but it did zero to make me feel better, and just reminded me of what could have been. It doesn’t decrease your worry of never getting pregnant again and it doesn’t make the loss any more bearable. I found it incredibly patronising (not saying that that’s your intention here).

I hope that’s helpful to you, I know people with Aspergers and I know it can be hard to understand what to say in these situations, even for people without.

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