To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

[CluelessBaker]

YABU. Telling someone that miscarriage is common doesn’t make it less painful or personal for them. You have no right to police someone else’s grief.

[JumboTheElephant]

@JaniceWebster

Why on earth are you friend with someone so needy? That's what i always find puzzling. Who has got time for such childish drama!

She has no other friends (for a reason) and in all honesty she would be devastated if she lost my friendship. I will be honest and say in general I am a really good friend to her and the support between us is largely one way, me to her. I do enjoy her company and banter too, though. There's a good reason for us being friends - we've been friends since age 8 - and I wouldn't say it's a toxic friendship. But it is just trying at times.

[Crunchymum]

Technically it would be classed as a chemical pregnancy (early positive and then bleeding around time of period) but the main issue here OP, is you don't seem to like your friend very much?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I had 30 chemical pregnancies. If I hadn’t already been under a fertility consultant I would have referred me to the early miscarriage clinic after two (by my GP) because despite what others think the medical profession does consider them miscarriages. Anyway it turned out I had a condition that causes early miscarriages - if you care about your friend ask her to see a GP to see if they can refer her for further tests.

[Laaalaaaa]

Nasty.

[AdultFishcakes]

Ok, so you basically don’t like her and that’s fine. But I’d suggest you be there for her through this if she’s in need of an ear and as her upset over this fades, gently and gradually distance yourself.

[JumboTheElephant]

@GrumpyHoonMain

I had 30 chemical pregnancies. If I hadn’t already been under a fertility consultant I would have referred me to the early miscarriage clinic after two (by my GP) because despite what others think the medical profession does consider them miscarriages. Anyway it turned out I had a condition that causes early miscarriages - if you care about your friend ask her to see a GP to see if they can refer her for further tests.

I think that's the sort of thing you'd only get further tests for after it happens a few times, right?

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@GrumpyHoonMain

I had 30 chemical pregnancies. If I hadn’t already been under a fertility consultant I would have referred me to the early miscarriage clinic after two (by my GP) because despite what others think the medical profession does consider them miscarriages. Anyway it turned out I had a condition that causes early miscarriages - if you care about your friend ask her to see a GP to see if they can refer her for further tests.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that.

[LittleGwyneth]

I kind of get it. Having had a missed MC quite a long way into my pregnancy I would really, really struggle if someone were suggesting that a couple of days was the same thing. Is your anger towards her perhaps rooted in your own experiences?

[JumboTheElephant]

I don't dislike my friend at all. She's good fun and I enjoy her company. She just has shortcomings - she's a high maintenance friend who tends to be quite self-involved and dramatic. That doesn't mean I don't like her; I have a lot of friends and they all have shortcomings. I'v told her before, when she asked me if I thought she was high-maintenance, that I did (she cried and I backpedalled very quickly).

It doesn't mean I don't like her or don't want to be friends with her. It's just sometimes exhausting and yes, probably does make me over time less sympathetic about stuff I'd otherwise have more patience for. I don't not want to be her friend, and after years of being friends with her I can handle things.

If you all think your friends are all perfect, fine - but most people aren't and it doesn't have to be so black and white.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

After your first OP I was inclined to think yabu but the updates throw a different light really.

I very very much agree with pp that you can't know , however close you are , someone elses grief. With ds1 I thought conception would be very very difficult , I have PCOS and we had been told 3 months before that it would be very difficult. I had no idea I was pregnant and was admitted to hospital with abdominal pain , they showed a positive pregnancy test and then told me i was likely losing him. Kept me in overnight. I was totally devastated, ds1 was a desperately wanted child and whilst i had only known about him for a few hours i felt the loss so keenly i can't describe it. I was unbel6fortunate and he held on. Had I lost him I would have been beyond devastated. However saying that noone would have known . I'm not a sharer and exdh was the only one who saw how upset I was that night.

I steadfastly refuse to let people into that sort of pain as sympathy makes me really uncomfortable. So whilst writing it here as its anonymous it might seem silly to have been so upset over a child I'd known about for a matter of hours I guarantee had he not made it I wouldn't have talked to people about it.

So if she has form for attention seeking and dramatics I can entirely understand why you get frustrated. So it's about the behaviour not about questioning her level of grief.

[Wannabangbang]

It's probably been said already but YABU. Give your friend a hug and listen to her and be there for her.
You can get so invested in any pregnancy very quickly and your hopes and dreams crumbled. In as many days as you are pregnant you envisage your life with that baby and when you miscarry, all gone in a flash. And it hurts emotionally and physically, and seeing blood every time you wipe is a constant reminder no matter how small a gestation.
Have a heart

[cosmo30]

I don't normally comment on things like this. But your post come across as really insensitive. Whether you think it happened or not, for her it did and I'm sure she feels heartbroken about it. Whether she has form for being a drama queen is irrelevant, it doesn't take away the fact that losing a baby is devastating. Confirmed miscarriage or not.
You just need to be a friend and stop making this an excuse to pick at her faults

[zigaziga]

I think it’s interesting that the voting whereas the comments are one sided.. no one wants to stick their head above the parapet and sound cruel perhaps.

I’ve had one MMC and one very, very early MC, basically a chemical pregnancy. For me, the chemical wasn’t remotely devastating, I didn’t cry for the pregnancy that never was or anything.. the only impact it had on me was making me worried next time as I knew it could keep happening.

I think of all the women who have come before us that wouldn’t have been able to test at 10’days past ovulation and then know that when they had a period a few days late that it was a very easy miscarriage. It’s awful to think of the way stillbirths used to be treated or late miscarriages and we shouldn’t underestimate the impact this had on women who were basically told never to mention their babies again... but in the case of very early miscarriages, I think better to just think of it as a late period personally (it would seem this is a controversial opinion!).

[AnneLovesGilbert]

she would be devastated if she lost my friendship

Let her know you’re slagging her off on a forum used by millions worldwide and she might be happy to ditch you.

You don’t like her. You’re horrible about her. Spare her your faux sympathy and huge side orders of judgement and contempt. Honestly, with friends like you....

[JumboTheElephant]

I just want to say - thanks for all the comments. I think even if I do in this case still feel my friend is being dramatic (sorry, it is hard not to think this about her generally, it's maybe a bit of a case of the boy who cried wolf), I have had my eyes opened to how deeply this affects people and that, generally, there are lots of nuances in these situations that it can be easy to miss.

[darkcaramel]

My mum had over 30 miscarriages. Never mentioned them.

YANBU, op.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@darkcaramel

My mum had over 30 miscarriages. Never mentioned them.

YANBU, op.

Are you saying your mum’s way of dealing with it is the only way?

Apart from a couple of friends, I didn’t tell anyone about my chemical pregnancy. I’m not much of a sharer anyway but I really didn’t want to talk about it. However, some people find talking about it helps them. Their feelings on the matter are just as valid as your mum’s feelings of not talking about it.

[user1469544430]

I had two early miscarriages and definitely grieved. My DM and one friend thought it was no big deal, expected me to shrug it off and carry on as normal and that hurt. It took a long time to get over. I lost a friend over it.

However, I don't think your beef with her is really about the miscarriages, but her tendency to attention-seek and be overly needy. I have had a really needy friend like this and it is exhausting, even when they have good reason (she had a massive victim complex: which at root was linked to a very big trauma, but as I wasn't a professional counsellor, it was exhausting and I ended up resenting her - especially when that escalated into destructive behaviour). I think you need to let her know somehow that you're sorry she is grieving but are not available 24/7 for support: suggest maybe she needs professional help in terms of counselling or discussing her story on a forum or reading some info on the miscarriage association website.

Unfortunately she does have to learn that friends can only do so much to support her, and that she will have to find some support on her own. Hopefully this might lead to her growing up a bit and not being a drama llama.

[Flittingabout]

I have had the same thing happen in the sense of had lots of times when I had a very heavy period on the day I was due and purposefully didn't test until late so that I wouldn't see a positive only for it to fail to implant. It is a big downside of early testing and probably happens to loads of women.

I think the thing is it is all so personal and subjective so it really is no big deal to some whereas is absolutely devastating to others and no one really gets to decide what "counts"....apart from doctors who have cut offs for what a miscarriage is. Having seen the positive I can imagine she is really grieving if she was invested. Maybe she has been trying longer than you know?

This has got me thinking. If you have a friend who goes on and on for months about being heartbroken after a 2 month relationship ends are you any less sympathetic or involved in trying to help when it is a friend getting divorced? I think I am!

[darkcaramel]

I’m saying that wallowing is unhelpful and there does come a point where even after the loss of a loved one you have to move on.

[GreytExpectations]

Op you are being a really bad friend to this woman. Not only are YABVU but you are being incredibly insensitive to minimise miscarriage like that. They are an awful thing for any woman to go through regardless of how early they are (I had one at around 6 weeks pregnant and it really affected me for quite some time). Maybe you should distance yourself from her as you clearly don't like her but ffs stop minimising miscarriage like that because you don't have any right to judge how anyone deals be grief.

[JumboTheElephant]

@user1469544430

I had two early miscarriages and definitely grieved. My DM and one friend thought it was no big deal, expected me to shrug it off and carry on as normal and that hurt. It took a long time to get over. I lost a friend over it.

However, I don't think your beef with her is really about the miscarriages, but her tendency to attention-seek and be overly needy. I have had a really needy friend like this and it is exhausting, even when they have good reason (she had a massive victim complex: which at root was linked to a very big trauma, but as I wasn't a professional counsellor, it was exhausting and I ended up resenting her - especially when that escalated into destructive behaviour). I think you need to let her know somehow that you're sorry she is grieving but are not available 24/7 for support: suggest maybe she needs professional help in terms of counselling or discussing her story on a forum or reading some info on the miscarriage association website.

Unfortunately she does have to learn that friends can only do so much to support her, and that she will have to find some support on her own. Hopefully this might lead to her growing up a bit and not being a drama llama.

Thanks, this is really helpful actually. I will suggest counselling next time she brings it up.

You're right that it is just exhausting and hard to know what to say time and time again and it feels like if it's not this it's something else.

[Rainbowshine]

Perhaps you need to signpost other sources of support to her rather than feel that you are the only friend she’s got and are “obliged” to be there for her. You could word it that you’re worried about how much of an impact it’s had on her and you’re not an expert in this, maybe she ought to get help from someone who can help her better?

[TARSCOUT]

You really aren't much of a friend. That's awful.