To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

[LolaSmiles]

I get what you are saying @LolaSmiles think I just have the mindset that a miscarriage should deserve sympathy not judgment no matter if the friend has been dramatic is other areas. But people have different opinions on sympathy I suppose.
I agree it deserves sympathy because as anyone who has been through a loss knows, it's heartbreaking. I think the OP has accepted they've not responded as sympathetically to the miscarriage as they could.

I also think that the friend trying to whip up added drama by deciding a heavy period as a teen was also a miscarriage is just another way for a drama llama to make their own situation sound 'bigger' that would be like them sticking the knife in. Why not be sad for the current loss, seek support and move forward whilst accepting it takes time to process the loss? I don't see what is gained by throwing her friend on yet another me-me-me rollercoaster.

Over time I've found I can't stand people who are emotional vampires because they always have to go one bigger/one worse/one better than anything that's happened to anyone else. It's almost like they're less bothered about the reality of their situations in life than they are milking it for all the attention they can. Eventually people get fed up of it and I think some of the posters who are being unpleasant to the OP are only considering the fact her friend has had a recent, tragic loss and selectively ignoring the bigger picture that might lead someone to feel like they've had enough.

[Frankola]

Be a better friend...

I hope none of my friends would ever be like this behind my back if I had a miscarriage

[AskOrNoAsk]

My point, as was in my original reply to you, that it's a bit hypocritical to say

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful

When OP has done exactly the same thing about her friend by saying she's being dramatic for not being over her miscarriage yet.

The majority of people on this thread have said there is no right way to experience a miscarriage. Which is completely correct.

[ImFree2doasiwant]

A friend of mine had a "miscarriage" at 21 weeks. Pretty sure it doesn't compare.

[MrsFairyLights]

In the interest of being completely honest, as this is an anonymous forum - I had a miscarriage and it genuinely hasn’t bothered me. Me & my boyfriend (he’s now my husband and we have 2 DC) were fresh out of Uni, 22 years old and we slipped up somehow. I’ve always said it was nature’s way of taking care of it so I didn’t have to. I was about 7-8 weeks along, only found out I was pregnant because I started miscarrying, and never think about it. It has never affected me.

I have never criticised anyone for grieving a miscarriage, even if I personally didn’t see mine as a big deal, because you never know what else is going on in a person’s life. You’re allowed to privately think she’s being melodramatic but if you want to keep the friendship, continue to be kind and supportive.

[Mittens030869]

@LolaSmiles I do agree with you there. It does sound very OTT on the part of the friend. And I repeat what I said earlier in the thread, that she should have some therapy. She shouldn't be over burdening her friend with this; a friend should NOT be expected to be a therapist. I've had this happen to me with needy friends and it's draining. It also has the potential to destroy what in other ways is a positive friendship.

[riotlady]

I had a miscarriage when I was 16, I didn’t even realise I was pregnant until it happened. I’m 28 now and still think about it occasionally and it makes me a little sad- even though ultimately it was for the best and I wasn’t equipped to be a mother at 17! I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to feel about these things

[ProudMarys]

I hate those early tests I wouldn't take it myself because you could be none their is a good chance wiser you known you had a chemical pregnancy if you left it a bit later to test. But some people obviously do and they do it often, despite disappointment maybe its worth the risk knowing early to them, I guess. But you just need to support your friend, otherwise if she is too 'hard work' maybe you just aren't right for eachother in terms of friendship.

[LisaxMarie]

YABU a loss is a loss no matter how soon it happens. I had an ep at 5 weeks (2weeks after positive test) which resulted in surgery and Loss of right tube. I would be devastated if I knew my 'friend' was writing about me like this. Be more supportive orb remove yourself from the situation completely. Nobody needs a friend that cannot be there for them when they are grieving

[StillWeRise]

OP I don't think YABU
I think it IS relevant that this was a very early MC. I get that people invest heavily in pregnancies as soon as they miss a period- or even before- but this should be resisted, because as we see it only leads to grief and heartache. As others have said, the ability to detect pregnancy so early is not a benefit at all.
In your place (and especially if I had suffered a later MC) this would impact my feelings towards the friend, and even more so if she has a history of emotionally draining dramas where you are her only support.
I think you need to think about your boundaries, for your own protection and sanity. You say you like your friend - if you want to carry on liking her you need to redirect or curb some of this drama. In this particular situation, you could point her in the direction of support groups/websites etc explaining that they have the expertise to listen to her properly.
In the future you could try setting some limits on how she interacts with you. Promise to call her once a week, but be busy on other days, that sort of thing.

[StillWeRise]

I also wonder if the DD is being exposed to all of this, I hope not

[nopoo]

What an awful thread. As someone who has had four miscarriages at various points, I can tell you that you have no right judging her grief. And as for calling her dramatic...

A true friend would be supportive and let her get through it.

There will be the due date, the anniversary...

It's a loss and it's a hard loss because, as this thread demonstrates, society doesn't recognize the loss as a real loss.

But it is. It's a loss of hope, of dreams and of a longed for future that she really wanted, being snatched away.

I hope you never find yourself in a situation where you understand her point of view.

[User43210]

I usually like to read these and think people are not being unreasonable. However, YABVU. I say this as someone who has had two miscarriages, my first was a traumatic MMC where I had two ops and a lot of recovery time. My second (last month) was a chemical pregnancy, I had known I was pregnant for 3/4 days when I started to bleed. Whilst the first MC was easily the worst as it happened at 12 weeks, both hurt just as much mentally as the moment I saw the positive, that was my baby. I was petrified the moment I got the positive and I've managed another positive straight away this month and I'm just as scared, if not more so, because of how easily the lady disappeared.

Fair enough she may be dramatic as a person, however she's your friend and you knew she was like that and have continued to be friends. That's on you.

Personally, I'm not offended by her being just as upset months down the line. I don't think you can truly appreciate it unless you've been through it.

[Tunnocks34]

It can be hard to empathise with overly emotive things when you wouldn’t react the same way. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks too, followed by another the month after. I was disappointed at the time but more of a ‘oh well’ - so whilst it’s hard for to to understand Why people would be upset at that stage, I absolutely understand that it’s not my business to judge someone else’s grief. My work colleague had a miscarriage at 5 weeks, the same time I was pregnant with my third sons and refused to basically acknowledge me for my whole pregnancy as she found it hard. I didn’t understand, but I empathised and accepted non the less.

[JumboTheElephant]

I just want to reiterate that I understand now that IABU about the first post, and also that as other posters have helped me realise my issue isn't so much that I thought she can't feel this way - I agree that different people react differently to all sorts of things - but more that past behaviours made me doubt the genuineness of her feelings.

Which, I understand might sound harsh, but you have to just believe me that I am talking about someone who just generally is very dramatic and gets very upset and expects sympathy over things which are actually nothing to do with her and in some cases expects sympathy/gets very unstable in situations where she has really hurt other people herself and is not at all the victim. She absolutely should see a therapist about this sort of thing but won't and I can't force her to.

So, I do apologise - I can't edit the OP now but I would if I could. I confused my initial feelings and totally understand why people are angry about this. I am trying and will continue to try to be sympathetic about this and remember that - if I am getting tired of certain behaviour patterns - this is not the time to call them out.

[HopeWaits]

@JumboTheElephant

Tbh I have already said I went through my own miscarriage and she wasn't very sympathetic about it - I mean she wasn't awful but she just sort of nodded then talked about her own current drama which is just endless. The problem is no matter who's going through drama it always gets turned to her.

And a lot of posters have commented pointing out that my main problem is not this issue - you're all right that if this happened to another friend I'd feel differently about it - it's just the general dynamic of the conversation/relationship which I need to think about.

Now I understand, it wasn't great that she wasn't sympathetic when you had a miscarriage, but wants you to be very sympathetic to her.

I think there are two issues here, her grief about her losses (which you need to be sympathetic about) and her being overly dramatic/needy about other issues (not the miscarriages) which means you may need to put some boundaries in place for your own sake. I don't think you would have posted this thread about a friend who wasn't overly dramatic in general?

I do understand the grief, I had several early losses before children and it was heartbreaking. It was a grief, I never thought I would be able to have children. I had to go to hospital each time as the baby never passed naturally, and watch whilst everyone around me had babies easily. It was only after having a baby that I met women who had miscarriages (mum friends), and it was only after having a baby that I didn't find it too painful to talk about. I'm guessing it may have been the case for them too. There's a quote in Ayelet Waldman's book (Bad Mother) about miscarriage and stillbirth being a black thread of grief that runs through life.

[PurpleDaisies]

A friend of mine had a "miscarriage" at 21 weeks. Pretty sure it doesn't compare.

Why does it even need to compare?

[Lopsil]

'She went on...' So rude.

[12345ct]

Sorry for your miscarriage OP. X

[JumboTheElephant]

@12345ct

Sorry for your miscarriage OP. X

Thank you.

[Ilovechinese]

It might seem dramatic to you but if she has been trying for a baby for a long time and is desperate for a baby then of course she will be upset. Just because you wouldn't be doesnt mean she cant or isn't entitled to be. Yes if she hadn't of tested early she wouldn't have know but she did and she does know.
You sound a little insensitive.
Reminds me when I had a miscarriage and someone said "oh well at least you already have two children" you can be upset about miscarriage no matter how many children you already have ir how far along in the pregnancy you are.

[LaurieMarlow]

A friend of mine had a "miscarriage" at 21 weeks. Pretty sure it doesn't compare.

Why does it even need to compare?

Exactly. It’s not the grief olympics.

[Bookaholic73]

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks in 2002.
I still think about it, it still makes me sad. It’s not just having had the experience of miscarrying, it’s the imagined life they had.
I imagined what they looked like, how my existing kids would get in with him/her, the things we would do together etc.

Everyone can grieve in their own way. Be a better person.

[gotothecooler]

A friend of mine had a "miscarriage" at 21 weeks. Pretty sure it doesn't compare.

Just as well it's not a fucking grief competition then

[User43210]

In all honesty, the friend does sound like hard work, and if you're feeling this way, maybe find a way to distance (at a suitable time so she won't comment to mutual friends that you ditched her in her time of need)

Whilst I believe she has every right to be upset, if she sucks all your energy over things and doesn't treat you with the same respect, maybe reevaluate if she's worth your time.