To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

You won't get a rational hearing on here regarding m/c OP, you just won't. It's too close to many women and we process and think about it differently.
I think the part people are choosing to ignore is that maintaining a friendship with someone who has an almost obsessive need for attention is draining and even someone sympathetic hits a point where their supplies of sympathy run low. Sometimes it coincides with yet another non-issue molehill being turned into a mountain and other times the supplies run low at a point where the friend really does need some support, or anywhere in between.

Miscarriage is close to many of us because we've experienced it. But taking an already sad event and trying to turn it into a bigger drama by deciding that there was another miscarriage years ago is the sort of thing that will strain friendships if the friendship is already characterised by always pandering to one friend's need for drama and attention. Miscarriage is sad enough without needing to create more hypothetical drama.

She does sound a bit of a drama queen. If she hadn't taken a test she would have had a 2 day late period, so the drama is a bit excessive.

However if she is desperately trying for a baby and has had many disappointments, maybe her upset is understandable?

I do think referring to it as a mc is doing a big disservice to women who lose babies around the 12 week mark, which is a much bigger trauma.

YANBU to feel drained by your friend’s need to constantly offload her grief onto you, and YANBU to want to vent to strangers to release some of the pent-up frustration you feel.

You would be unreasonable to tell her to get a grip, but from what I can see you haven’t done that. I don’t see why you’re getting such a hard time, op. Then again, I’m quite a private person and would find this kind of behaviour uncomfortable. Some people call me cold and heartless, but I would say ‘stoic’ is a better description. Maybe you are the same. There’s nothing with with that.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I didn't say that, GreytExpectations, I said that OP won't get a rational hearing here.

I say again, it's OP's thread, not her friend's.

Don't really see how that's any better, the OP's thread is about her friend. You are basically saying the responses aren't rational because people have had personal experience with miscarriage. So all the responses telling OP she is being insensitive and that miscarriages are an awful experience and affect women differently are irrational responses? Or do you think the OP is right in her dismissal of her friends pain?

Tbh I have already said I went through my own miscarriage and she wasn't very sympathetic about it - I mean she wasn't awful but she just sort of nodded then talked about her own current drama which is just endless. The problem is no matter who's going through drama it always gets turned to her.

And a lot of posters have commented pointing out that my main problem is not this issue - you're all right that if this happened to another friend I'd feel differently about it - it's just the general dynamic of the conversation/relationship which I need to think about.

OP You are clearly not as good of a friend as you say you are. This is not about you and how you feel, or what you think she should feel. You are comin across as very insensitive .

I can understand why she is upset. These 'early response' pregnancy tests have a lot to answer for. They're exploiting women's desire to have children without any thought to the needless distress they cause, not to mention the expense incurred by women who use them obsessively. They should be banned except for use by medical professionals so people can go back to simply waiting until their period is properly overdue.

I had one after a couple of days and it gutted me for months. I can’t explain enough how much it hurt and how sad I felt. I’m now approaching when my maternity would have started and I’m seeing other people go off instead. It’s making me very sad.

To think someone could go online and post their annoyance at my grief is a despicable one, even worse if that someone is supposed to be a friend.

Shame on you.

Gosh you sound horrible.

I’d be devastated if I went through what your friend has been through. I know one of my best friend’s who is struggling to conceive would be in a terrible state if it happened to her.

Try being a nicer friend.

I agree with you, but I can see I’m in the minority and clearly “mean” so I will slink off and be quiet!

GreytExpectations, I've explained. Miscarriages are a sad experience for any woman. I'm not going to engage any further on that.

LolaSmiles I agree. I wouldn't take my own experience and transpose it on OP's friend to gauge the 'value of her grief' and somehow ally mine with hers. I think that's what some posters are doing and it's unfair.

@SkyBlue20 I’m sorry that you have personal experience ❤️

JumbotheElephant, ... for you

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

JumbotheElephant, ... for you

I definitely need it after this thread.

@elenacampana

I had one after a couple of days and it gutted me for months. I can’t explain enough how much it hurt and how sad I felt. I’m now approaching when my maternity would have started and I’m seeing other people go off instead. It’s making me very sad.

To think someone could go online and post their annoyance at my grief is a despicable one, even worse if that someone is supposed to be a friend.

Shame on you.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I can relate exactly to how you feel. Witnessing my colleague enormously pregnant when I should have been starting maternity leave with my baby was heartbreaking. On MN, I was told to get a grip with my struggles because I hadn’t been trying for as long as others had.

The fact that people constantly try to one up others on here is awful. ‘A miscarriage isn’t as bad if it’s before 12 weeks’. That may be how you feel about it but that doesn’t mean others are wrong for grieving what they should have had.

you're all right that if this happened to another friend I'd feel differently about it - it's just the general dynamic of the conversation/relationship which I need to think about.
From experience with a friend who placed their need for attention and drama above all else, this might be the thing to take away from this thread.

It's one thing to support friends through ups and downs. Good friends are there through good times and bad.
It's quite another to be routinely strapped into someone else's perpetual rollercoaster when they relay their life in superlatives in all directions. It's fine to step off the rollercoaster.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I can see that you really haven't explained so as it seems you aren't able to clarify what you meant that fine I will stop asking. Maybe consider your sensitivity next time though, calling responses on here "irrational" because women have first hand experience is pretty low but I know you will claim you didn't say that.

@LolaSmiles

you're all right that if this happened to another friend I'd feel differently about it - it's just the general dynamic of the conversation/relationship which I need to think about. From experience with a friend who placed their need for attention and drama above all else, this might be the thing to take away from this thread.

It's one thing to support friends through ups and downs. Good friends are there through good times and bad.
It's quite another to be routinely strapped into someone else's perpetual rollercoaster when they relay their life in superlatives in all directions. It's fine to step off the rollercoaster.

Yeah, you're right.

I wish I hadn't posted this thread now, but it has been helpful and helped me clarify both my thoughts on the OP - I understand better how difficult this topic is and how sensitive I need to be around it - and also that I need to separate that from the real issue which is that I no longer really take my friend's feelings that seriously because of the pattern of behaviour.

Still don't know what to do about that last bit, though! I have in the past been quite vocal about suggesting therapy and trying to get a diagnosis of something, but I don't think it will ever happen.

GreytExpectations, you and I don't see eye to eye on anything. I'm ok with that, you're being goady and I'm going to leave it there.

I have seen the 'shame on you for talking about your friend on an anonymous forum' line a lot on MN and it always puzzles me. The alternatives appear to be:

1. talk to random strangers in real life
2. talk to family/friends who might know her and report back
3. talk to husband who might accidentally mention it to her

Frankly, none of those seem better. I suspect we're meant to adopt option 4 which is 'never talk about your friend to another living soul ever', but that is sometimes hard to do, especially when you are struggling to support them and want advice on how to do so.

OP, I hope you've found some of the advice offered here to be useful. It sounds like you've been doing your best but could use a boost atm.

GreytExpectations
I think what Lion was saying is that because many women (me included) have experienced miscarriage, some of the responses to the OP are irrational as they're focusing almost exclusively on the fact that the OP's friend has miscarried whilst ignoring that it sounds like the friendship dynamic between the OP and her friend has been attained for some time due to the OP's friend always seeking drama and attention.

The current miscarriage is tragic enough and I think the OP hadn't responded well to it at all. But as someone who has had miscarriages I'd find it difficult to see a friend experience one sad loss and find ways to play loss top trumps by deciding they must have had others if it was part of a long term attention seeking pattern of behaviour. It would feel to me like the friend was saying 'but obviously my situation must be worse/more dramatic/needs more sympathy'.

I think you’ve come across badly due to the way you worded it. Your issue isn’t about this friend and how she feels about her miscarriage. This is about your friend not offering you any support, yet expecting all the support in the world when the shoe is on the other foot. Some people are emotionally draining.
I do think you need to be careful with your language around miscarriages in general as some people really do find it hard and that’s ok. It’s all ok if you’re less affected.

@Haenow

I think you’ve come across badly due to the way you worded it. Your issue isn’t about this friend and how she feels about her miscarriage. This is about your friend not offering you any support, yet expecting all the support in the world when the shoe is on the other foot. Some people are emotionally draining. I do think you need to be careful with your language around miscarriages in general as some people really do find it hard and that’s ok. It’s all ok if you’re less affected.

Yes, I think you are spot on here.

The kindest thing to do For both of you right now OP would be to stay away from the friendship. You can’t be the friend that she needs right now and she isn’t the friend that you need.

What’s the point I’m wasting anymore energy on it?

I'd also like to make an observation here on the nature of being a good friend. There is no particular merit in me supporting someone when that behaviour comes naturally to me - that's just basic decent behaviour. However, supporting a friend even when you're frustrated with them (and taking pains to hide that frustration as you don't want to hurt them) is a sign of a good friend rather than a bad one, in my eyes. If you were a bad friend you just wouldn't bother, surely.