To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

[LaurieMarlow]

You don't seem to be trying very hard on the empathy front OP.

She's upset. Isn't that enough? You don't have to understand her thought process or give her the green light to be upset to support her.

[Flittingabout]

I think I would be extremely sensitive and not talk about a miscarriage if I lost my just conceived baby to someone who has just lost a baby at 12 weeks or even longer. When my step mum lost her baby at 5 months the grief cannot possibly be compared to a 2 day old life.

But I think the point most people are making OP is that grief is subjective and more complex than timelines.

[gotothecooler]

I'm maybe a bit aspergersy in my thinking

Holy fuck

I can't even 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Haenow]

OP, do you have a diagnosis of Asperger’s? I get the impression you do and you’re explaining yourself and your response but it’s not clear. You might get different responses if it’s clearer.

[JumboTheElephant]

Tbh, I am coming at this having had a similar experience but later on in the pg before, and my friend wasn't particularly supportive and largely brushed it under the rug because she was having drama with her bf at the time.

But as I've said a few times already I accept that maybe I'm being insensitive in mistaking what is a problem in our friendship with a problem in her behaviour in this incidence, which maybe isn't quite right.

I think everyone calling me a cow etc. having no knowledge of my own situation (I'm diagnosed aspie so no idea why people think it's offensive for me to point out I have aspie traits) is kind of ridiculous.

[GreytExpectations]

Just because you and your friends use the term isn't doesn't make it common nor an acceptable term. Same as dismissing the pain a miscarriage causes isn't OK.

[InDreamland]

I get that she may usually be exhausting if she's a bit of a drama queen .......however .......

Losing a much wanted and loved baby, no matter how many days or weeks gestation for many women is devastating and can takes, months or years to come to terms with (few ever "get over" it, just learn over time how to live with it). There are so many thoughts and emotions attached to TTC, pregnancy and sadly pregnancy loss. Losing a much wanted and loved baby at whatever stage takes a lot of processing and can make you worry about subsequent pregnancies. It doesn't matter that it is common.

I still think about the 2 babies I lost (1 MMC at 12 weeks and an early MC) after 5 long and emotionally painful years of TTC/unexplained infertility. I still wonder what they would be like now, mark their due date and anniversary of the losses by lighting a candle, they each have their own bauble for the Christmas tree etc..... I write this as my 4 month old rainbow is sleeping on me (first loss was 2 years ago). Whilst I was pregnant with my rainbow it was 8 months of anxiety, worrying constantly I would lose the baby and even up to 2 hours before I gave birth I was relaying to the midwife how labour felt just how it did when I was passing my first baby. My point is that losing a baby can have a massive impact emotionally and impact so many thoughts to do with TTC and pregnancy. The experience knocked me so hard, feelings, emotions and fears surfaced that I never thought were possible.

Your friend may be a drama queen but maybe just this once she is going through a truly awful experience that I wouldn't wish upon anyone and all she needs is some empathy and acknowledgement what she is going through is dreadful. No other words can help.

[Tootletum]

I agree with you OP. But unfortunately people are all different and perception is reality. You'll just have to let it play out if you want to keep the friendship alive.

[gotothecooler]

I'm diagnosed aspie so no idea why people think it's offensive for me to point out I have aspie traits

The way you said you were a bit 'Aspergery' In your thinking did come across as offensive due to the fact that you didn't clarify you were actually autistic. It makes the biggest difference.

I'm autistic and every time I read on these boards about people being 'a bit' autistic it raises my heckles. I am so defensive, I guess that's a trait, I can't help it.

[Nixen]

I’m not sure why you’re friends with someone you clearly have such a low opinion of

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I actually think that early testing is a curse. What would previously be seen as a heavy period, maybe a few days late, now comes with the genuine trauma of a miscarriage, because you’d had a positive pregnancy test.

[Namechange8471]

I had an early miscarriage, I still think about it often.
Here’s an idea, tell her how you really feel. Tell her she’s a drama queen etc, and I hope she gives you both barrels!

[JumboTheElephant]

I don't have a low opinion of my friend, I have a nuanced opinion of her, which takes into account flaws and strengths.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

OP, you’re dripfeeding quite a lot of information which makes it difficult for anyone to give you an objective reply.

You’re being insensitive to your friend’s grief and to a lot of women on this thread who are sharing their stories of miscarriage. I think that’s what you need to focus on.

[JumboTheElephant]

@Namechange8471

I had an early miscarriage, I still think about it often.
Here’s an idea, tell her how you really feel. Tell her she’s a drama queen etc, and I hope she gives you both barrels!

Barrels of a gun?

[JumboTheElephant]

I think I've tried to express when people have given me considered replies. There are a lot of replies and I can't reply to everyone. You're right I'm dripfeeding cos I can't tell what's relevant at first. I have also basically said I will be more sensitive about the general issue in future quite a lot though.

[LaurieMarlow]

I don't have a low opinion of my friend, I have a nuanced opinion of her, which takes into account flaws and strengths.

So if you actually like her and value the friendship, put a bit of effort into understanding why she might feel how she does (or accept that you don’t understand it, but make up your mind to support her anyway).

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@JumboTheElephant

I don't have a low opinion of my friend, I have a nuanced opinion of her, which takes into account flaws and strengths.

I have friends who I have to ‘take with a pinch of salt’. They have flaws and I acknowledge them and am often frustrated by them. However, they are still my friends because they have many amazing qualities that I love. If one of them was grieving, I would be incredibly sympathetic no matter how long they wanted to talk about it for. That’s what being a friend means. If I found they were not good at supporting me through grief, I wouldn’t see them as a friend.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I agree with Rowan8. You won't get a rational hearing on here regarding m/c OP, you just won't. It's too close to many women and we process and think about it differently.

I only ever counted my late miscarriage personally. If this were my friend, I'd say nothing, just listen and wait for her to process it out of her system. I read your first post and thought that your friend has a need for attention, badly. It may be about this m/c or it may be something else. The seeking for attention is real and it's a need that she has right now. That's the only thing that's important - just be her friend and allocate the time and attention that you are able to.

I get really tired of the posters who launch in and just can't read between the lines...

[HeeeeyDuggee]

I’ve had early and late miscarriages I don’t talk about them because that’s my way of dealing with it. However I would never judge a friend who also experienced miscarriage no matter what stage and expressed their personal grief and difficulty dealing with it or find it tedious.

Miscarriage is a very personal thing and every one thinks and feels about their experience differently.

To her that was a much wanted baby not just a statistic of early loss

Be kind

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

... and if OP's friend posts here, she'll have nothing but sympathy and flowers.

This is not OP's friend's thread though, is it?

[InDreamland]

@Port1aCastis so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to heal physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and hope you get your 🌈 soon. 🌼 🌻 🌸 🌹

[JumboTheElephant]

@LaurieMarlow

I don't have a low opinion of my friend, I have a nuanced opinion of her, which takes into account flaws and strengths.

So if you actually like her and value the friendship, put a bit of effort into understanding why she might feel how she does (or accept that you don’t understand it, but make up your mind to support her anyway).

I think that last bit is why I started this thread, and a few posters have really helped with that.

[GreytExpectations]

You won't get a rational hearing on here regarding m/c OP, you just won't. It's too close to many women and we process and think about it differently.

So being upset and grieving a miscarriage no matter what stage of pregnancy its at isnt "rational"?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I didn't say that, GreytExpectations, I said that OP won't get a rational hearing here.

I say again, it's OP's thread, not her friend's.