To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

[coffeeandgin26]

It's not up to you to decide how upset she can or can't be.

I had a miscarriage that turned out to be a blighted ovum, so technically not even a baby. It was a faulty egg.

I was devastated and still am two years later.

I also had a chemical pregnancy, lost the baby the day after I found out. I was gutted .

You don't sound like a friend I would have wanted.

[GreytExpectations]

I get what you are saying @LolaSmiles think I just have the mindset that a miscarriage should deserve sympathy not judgment no matter if the friend has been dramatic is other areas. But people have different opinions on sympathy I suppose.

Also, not being goady at all. It's cool Lion, you and I just have different opinions on sympathy. It's fine if you don't want to explain them, all I did was ask you to though and that's not being goady it's just having a discussion

[JumboTheElephant]

I don't think stepping back from the friendship in the way you mean is a good idea. She has literally no other friends at all and while I appreciate everyone else on here thinks I'm a horrible cow, I do actually send her sympathetic messages back, and it's probably better than just ignoring her, which she would get very upset by.

[Gimmecaffeine]

I got pregnant after 2 months of trying and 4 days after the postive test miscarried. I was incredibly distressed, and I am usually a resilient no-drama person. We had to take a break from TTC because I went from being very chilled to totally obsessed, there was such a desperate need to be pregnant again that I can't really articulate.

I would think carefully about this thread. Lots of people (me included) come to MN for miscarriage support. I had three of the type of miscarriages you seem keen to invalidate, and in the midst if it I would have been very upset by this thread.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common.

Yes you are being harsh. Losing a much-wanted baby can be devastating; it's not a competition as to how far through the pregnancy the mother was when it happened.

Better to say nothing at all than convince yourself you're trying to be 'helpful' with statements like this.

[PurpleDaisies]

I do think referring to it as a mc is doing a big disservice to women who lose babies around the 12 week mark, which is a much bigger trauma.

Both are miscarriages. A miscarriage is a loss of pregnancy before 23 weeks. Calling it what it is does nobody a disservice and judging people’s grief to be unwarranted is horrible.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/

[attillathenun]

Here’s a for you OP!

[OohAHzeah]

Stop trying to make it better and tell her how to feel. Your attitude will clearly be showing. You don't need a particular event to have happened to have severe anxiety. And actually, this is clearly a big deal to her.

[Batqueen]

@ContessaferJones

I'd also like to make an observation here on the nature of being a good friend. There is no particular merit in me supporting someone when that behaviour comes naturally to me - that's just basic decent behaviour. However, supporting a friend even when you're frustrated with them (and taking pains to hide that frustration as you don't want to hurt them) is a sign of a good friend rather than a bad one, in my eyes. If you were a bad friend you just wouldn't bother, surely.

Well said

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

I do think referring to it as a mc is doing a big disservice to women who lose babies around the 12 week mark, which is a much bigger trauma.

No, it isn't. And I've lost babies at 5 weeks and 12+, so am well-placed to comment. The real question is why are some people so determined to turn this into a grief competition? I support any and all women who have suffered the trauma of a miscarriage. It isn't a race to the bottom.

[OohAHzeah]

She wants support. The fact you dont know how to do that isnt her fault.

[JumboTheElephant]

OK, I'm getting an idea of what NOT to say, but little on the way of constructive help bar a few comments here and there.

Can I have some constructive advice on what to say and do, then? With the caveat that I literally do not have the time to spend hours and hours on this every week for the coming months. If that makes me sound like a bad friend, I'm sorry, but I already spend half of my life's emotional energies on her and this is a particularly bad time for me, too.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

Nobody is or was judging OP's friend for her feelings towards her miscarriage. OP has said that this is a good friend and that she is sympathetic and has been so throughout. If you read OP's posts, GreytExpectations it's clear that this demand for support is ongoing and pervasive yet the friend rejects any suggestions of outside help, expecting OP to fulfil that need on a constant basis.

Many, many women have sadly experienced miscarriage; that doesn't even need saying really.

It's OP that needed some support in this thread and that's been roundly ignored. My sympathy is irrelevant to this, it really is.

I'm sorry I said you were being goady, that was unfair.

[TheGroak]

There’s nothing you can say OP apart from It know it’s shot’, ‘I understand that’, ‘I can imagine’ etc.

Most people just want to feel like they’re being heard and having their feelings validated.

[saraclara]

I would take notice of the voting rather than the comments, OP. There are some things that you just can't say here. Just as you can't tell your friend how you feel, you can't say anything critical on this subject here either.

[dayswithaY]

I had a friend like this. She took an early pregnancy test and got a faint, barely visible line and the next day she started to bleed. Her husband called an ambulance and started shouting at staff because they could not save the pregnancy. They discussed their trauma with everyone, at length for a long time after. They already had two children at the time.

I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks, when I got to hospital I was just left alone in the ward and when I asked a nurse what was going on she shrugged and said I had to let nature take its course. I never spoke about it. People process things differently, sometimes I wish I'd been more vocal about it but I notice when people have stopped listening while other people just keep talking regardless.

[GreytExpectations]

I'm sorry I said you were being goady, that was unfair.

Thank you for saying this, I appreciate it. Now you have explained what your meant I do understand however I don't agree with it but you are fully entitled to your opinion and it respect that.

[JumboTheElephant]

The way I am being judged on here does make me curious about the definition of friendship and what most people think it is. I've always thought that being a good friends means wanting the best for my friends and doing my best to support that and help that happen. But here there seems to be the expectation that is the case even if it comes at a big detriment to your own mental health and general life in terms of the sacrifices you have to make for your friends, which I don't really think is the case. Also the idea that you must hold a very high opinion of your friends in an objective sense, which seems innately wrong because the bottom 50% of people in terms of objective measures would then have no friends.

I like my friend and I want to make her life better. I've spent the last 10 years being there for her again and again, literally giving her money and a place to stay for months at a time when she needed it. Maybe I'm not the most sensitive person in the world but I am trying my best and I don't think that any of this makes me a bad person, just like I don't think my friend being needy and a bit self-centred makes her a bad person either.

[Gimmecaffeine]

Can I have some constructive advice on what to say and do, then?

Just say you're sorry for her loss. If she is totally unable to move on she may need some counselling.

You can signpost her to the miscarriage association, or even the miscarriage/conception boards on here.

I've lost babies at 5 weeks and 12+, so am well-placed to comment. The real question is why are some people so determined to turn this into a grief competition? I support any and all women who have suffered the trauma of a miscarriage. It isn't a race to the bottom.

This view is what is so amazing about the baby-loss community. All feelings are valid. Thank you.

[Freewanderer]

You don’t deserve to be called names on here (like cow). You asked for some advice about your friendship. I think you will just have to accept that we are all different and process different life experiences in different ways. What is devastating for one person will not be for another. I suffered a mc at 10 weeks after a long time trying and it was hard. Others may have felt less grief. I think you are finding it hard to understand why she would grieve in this way after a chemical pregnancy when she has one child already and is likely fertile. Chances are she will have success in future. There is no answer to this. I would just accept the situation and try not to overthink. You do not have to be friends with someone because they have no other friends, although it sounds like you rightly can see her good qualities.

[GreytExpectations]

Op, there is no specific instructions on what to do or say. Just validate her feelings, tell her how awful it must be and offer her an ear if she needs to talk. Just understanding and being sympathetic for what she is going through is all a good friend needs to do.

[BogRollBOGOF]

This is not a friendship.
A friendship is a mutually reciprocal relationship. It's bound only by enjoyment and support, not blood, not contracts.
You're her unpaid councelor.

That doesn't mean that her pain isn't genuine, but in people who dramatise everything, that's hard to evaluate.
The key thing is that she is not there for you when you face similar difficulties. She always comes first.

[GreytExpectations]

I think this needs to be looked at as 2 different issues. 1.) the friend over dramatises things 2.) the friend also has had a confirmed miscarriage and a suspected unconfirmed one.

If you are a good friend then the first issue should affect how you react to the second because its very well known and specifically on here that miscarriage (at any stage) affects a lot fo women in different ways but it is an awful grief to go through. Therefore it shouldn't be disregarded just because the friend has been a bit of an attention seeker in other things. If you friend suddenly lost a family member (for example) and they were grieving, would you disregard her feelings because she has been dramatic in other ways?

[recreationalcalpol]

I don’t think you sound like a very nice person. I’m currently (supposedly) 6 weeks preg, but have been spotting since the day I found out so I don’t know whether I’m going to get a baby at the end of this. I consider myself a pretty robust person but the fear of losing this much wanted child is consuming me, and I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that way.

I think we need to be much more supportive of women who suffer from early miscarriage, it’s attitudes like yours that cause people to hush it up and feel like they can’t talk about their grief.

[VenusStarr]

"I got it at the time - it must be really disappointing - but I don't know how to express to her that I'm sure it doesn't mean she's infertile etc etc because it's quite a common occurrence when any suggestion of this is met with denial that it's common and the insistence that it's happened twice now."

You quote clearly don't get it. Its not for you to decide that she needs to be over it now. To her, this is the loss of a much wanted baby. She is grieving a loss - one that you don't understand - that's fine, I'm glad you've never experienced pregnancy loss, but this loss doesn't just represent an early pregnancy loss - it's the loss of a future.

Hearing how common it is doesn't help by the way - you're just invalidating her feelings.

YABVU, pregnancy loss is not disappointing - it's bloody heartbreaking.