To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

[Blueraccoon]

What I took from your OP is that she is worried she won’t be able to have another baby. She’s fishing around for why the MC happened, and then convincing herself it had happened before and there is a pattern forming. This is what she’s anxious about.

Of course we don’t know for sure but if she’s already had a baby chances are she just needs to relax and give it time. Perhaps you could try to give her some reassurance in that respect.

[JumboTheElephant]

@Blueraccoon

What I took from your OP is that she is worried she won’t be able to have another baby. She’s fishing around for why the MC happened, and then convincing herself it had happened before and there is a pattern forming. This is what she’s anxious about.

Of course we don’t know for sure but if she’s already had a baby chances are she just needs to relax and give it time. Perhaps you could try to give her some reassurance in that respect.

Yeah, this is what I am trying to say to her. That's why I've tried to explain it's quite common and doesn't at all imply she is going to have problems conceiving. (She hasn't had any problems before or been trying for a long time, so worrying now seems unhelpful to me.)

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@darkcaramel

I’m saying that wallowing is unhelpful and there does come a point where even after the loss of a loved one you have to move on.

TTC is one of the most horrific things I’ve been through mentally. The whole process broke my heart every month and I started to feel very low and jealous if anyone else was pregnant. It made me a not very nice person. It is for these reasons that I am not very vocal about my pregnancy on social media unless someone asks me about it. I know how much it hurt to see constant posts about it.

To me, it doesn’t sound like the friend is wallowing. It sounds like she’s having a hard time processing it and still being on the TTC journey. If OP is her friend, she probably feels like she can talk to her about it but clearly she can’t.

[JumboTheElephant]

OK, so, I totally accept that with no context my OP now seems insensitive and that in general the issue isn't the MC but the general friendship, so I get the reactions.

I am not a horrible cow though, lol.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

Are you generally someone who struggles to support others or is it just around pregnancy? because some of your responses on this thread are very insensitive to women sharing stories about their MCs.

[Soontobe60]

OP, I’d probably feel the same as you because I’ve also had a couple of early miscarriages and got over them quite quickly. However, I understand that my experience isn’t the same as others. So I’d keep my mouth shut and realise that we’re not all the same in how we react.

[showmethegin]

You say that worrying seems unhelpful to you? That's completely irrelevant. She isn't you. I say this as someone who has had three miscarriages, one very early like your friend, the next one at 6 weeks and the last one at 12 weeks which I needed hospital treatment for. Each one is devastating.

There is no hierarchy of grief. Either be a better friend and understand this (I suggest buying her a book, 'on the brink of being' which is excellent.)

Or, as your drip feed suggests you don't even like her just lose her as a friend.

[LolaSmiles]

I don't think you're wholly unreasonable OP, but you do sound like you're bring a bit insensitive even if that frustration is understandable given previous behaviour.

I distanced myself from a friend once because I couldn't handle the endless drama and need for friends to drop everything regularly around friend. Based on that you have my sympathy because it's a friendship that can drain you like an emotional vampire but it's easy to be caught up sustaining it because you like their many other qualities.

However, your friend has experienced a miscarriage and they are upsetting. Even if she has form for being a total drama llama, this is the time for sympathy and a cup of tea.

[SkyBlue20]

@Ellisandra

I had a missed miscarriage discovered at the 13 week scan, after 4 years of trying, and had to take the same medication as those choosing a termination to start the process, and go through contractions etc.

I am not offended by her.

Be a better friend and STFU trying to minimise her experience and grief.

There are drama llamas out, maybe she isn’t actually that upset at all and she’s milking it for all it’s worth... I’d rather given her than attention that risk being a shitty friend to someone who has lost their wanted pregnancy.

This. I too had a MMC (so sorry for your loss @Ellisandra 💕), discovered at my 12 week scan, had to have surgical management. In the middle of Covid so found out on my own at the scan and had to have all of my treatment alone. I too am not offended by her. In fact, I feel absolute compassion for her.

I'm part of a miscarriage thread on here and we were only discussing yesterday how you don't realise how difficult a miscarriage is until you go through it - we certainly didn't. So please, have some compassion - it may be that she's overdoing it and being a drama Queen but it may also be that she's in pain and she needs her best friend. The best thing you can do is be there for her.

A miscarriage isn't just the loss of the baby and the future you had already started planning, it's the fear that it'll happen again and again and again, you'll go through that unbearable pain again and you may never get that future. I got pregnant first time trying and then lost it, it doesn't make it easier knowing we'd only been trying for a month.

[Needanewnamenow]

If you don't want to be her friend and don't want to counsel her through something when she won't take advice don't do it. But don't dismiss her miscarriage. If you've bit been through it then you're really lucky and you've no idea what it's like. If you have been through and were able to shrug it off or recover quickly then you're also really lucky. Many women struggle with miscarriage for a range of legitimate reasons and to dismiss it is really horrible of you, cow or not

[Janleverton]

I agree with the pp above about this being the drawback of early testing.

I remembering chatting with my grandmother and she said that when she was pregnant (so this would have been early forties) you would go to the doctor or really consider yourself pregnant until you had missed two or three periods.

In some ways I think this was preferable.

I have had two late (not more than a week to 10 days, mind) and unusually heavy periods in my time which could have been chemical pregnancy passing. But not having tested, there’s not the emotional significance of the same happening having had a positive test two days before your period is even due.

Even where I did have a positive on the day my period was due, to then bleed a couple of days later, it wasn’t significant to me. But then a lot of my personal responses to pregnancy and point of life beginning/visualisation of “baby” seem not to chime with how other people feel. I’m pretty detached. Love my children, but until movement in utero and second trimester it’s all been theoretical to me.

Saying that, I’ve not had significant losses that would make me pin my hopes on an early test.

[JumboTheElephant]

@AnneOfQueenSables

Are you generally someone who struggles to support others or is it just around pregnancy? because some of your responses on this thread are very insensitive to women sharing stories about their MCs.

I dunno. I'm maybe a bit aspergersy in my thinking so no, I'm probably not always the most sensitive person ever, but I am a pretty good listener and as I've said before provide a lot more support to my friend than I ask for or would ever get back in return when I do need it. I just do my best.

[kikisparks]

I had a miscarriage 3 days after a positive test after less than a year of trying and it absolutely was emotionally horrific, I have now been trying 3.5 years and if it happened again it would be just as horrific.

The things you are saying aren’t helpful. You won’t fix how she’s feeling by saying that it’s common and not sure if you’re saying this but saying it wasn’t a real baby yet/ just a cluster of cells doesn’t help either. It’s about what it was for her in her mind.

If you actually care about her and want to keep her as a friend don’t try and fix it. You might be fed up of hearing about it, but just let her vent, or don’t speak to her if you’d rather not hear about what’s upsetting and worrying her. All you need to say is that you’re sorry for her loss (it is a loss even if not the loss of a person, it’s the loss of the excitement and happiness and future she hoped for when she saw that positive test) and that you can’t imagine how she feels but that you’re sad for her that she’s feeling low.

You could add that you’re there for her and that she can let you know if there’s anything you can do but it doesn’t sound like you would mean those things. The rest of the things she has done sound annoying and so maybe you should just re evaluate the friendship and what you get out of it and don’t continue it if it’s only one sided.

[GreytExpectations]

I'm maybe a bit aspergersy in my thinking so no, I'm probably not always the most sensitive person ever,

Oh wow, the insensitivity continues.... Either end the friendship or be a supportive friend. You are being horrible with your opinions on miscarriage. How dare you think you have any right to tell women how they are allowed to deal with grief?

[LaurieMarlow]

I’m saying that wallowing is unhelpful and there does come a point where even after the loss of a loved one you have to move on.

One persons ‘wallowing’ is another persons coping strategy.

Plenty would say that bottling it up is much worse.

There’s no one way to do grief. What right gave you to tell people they shouldn’t share or seek solace from others?

[Dozer]

It sounds like you’ve been saying a fair few of the “what not to says”. Stop giving her your opinions!

If you can’t/don’t want to listen/support her, move the conversation along or reduce contact.

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/supporting-someone-through-pregnancy-loss/

In the past I had recurrent miscarriages. The first, v early one was - for me- actually the most upsetting, due to my feelings, thoughts and circumstances at the time. I didn’t talk to most friends or family about it because things most people said upset me and for fear of what they would think.

DH did talk about it with male friends and over the years has tried to support his male friends on fertility issues. One, for example, repeatedly gets asked why he ‘only’ has one DC.

[GreytExpectations]

My male manager who has had no experience with miscarriage nor knew anyone who had one was more sensitive when I had mine than you are being to your friend and to the women on this thread who are sharing their stories. It doesn't matter how your friend has previously acted, her hurt and grief still matter.

[JumboTheElephant]

@GreytExpectations

I'm maybe a bit aspergersy in my thinking so no, I'm probably not always the most sensitive person ever,

Oh wow, the insensitivity continues.... Either end the friendship or be a supportive friend. You are being horrible with your opinions on miscarriage. How dare you think you have any right to tell women how they are allowed to deal with grief?

I don't understand what is insensitive about admitting maybe I am not always that sensitive.

[Mumoblue]

YABU
Women who had early miscarriages don't need other people turning their noses up and deciding at what point in a pregnancy they're allowed to be upset about losing it.

[Persiaclementine]

I think you are being a little insensitive, I say this as someone who has had a miscarage at 12 weeks, until you have a miscarage you dont know what it feels like, a loss at any stage is still a loss even if it wasnt ment to be or the embryo wasnt healthy or developing it's your Hope's and dreams for the little one that never was, it was still your baby even though it never developed.

[GreytExpectations]

I don't understand what is insensitive about admitting maybe I am not always that sensitive.

Your use of the term "aspergersy" is what I'm referring to. Also, understanding how awful a miscarriage is isn't about being sensitive it's about being a nice human being.

[JumboTheElephant]

@GreytExpectations

I don't understand what is insensitive about admitting maybe I am not always that sensitive.

Your use of the term "aspergersy" is what I'm referring to. Also, understanding how awful a miscarriage is isn't about being sensitive it's about being a nice human being.

Eh, I and a lot of my aspergers friends use that term to refer to non NT traits. It's pretty common.

[Saladmakesmesad]

I have a friend like this.

She wasn't trying for or wanting another baby (had 'completed' her family, in her words). Never had unprotected sex. But a few days before her period she became convinced she was pregnant. Told her husband, friends and the kids(!!!) but never took a test. Then a few days later she started bleeding (on the day her period was due) and announced it as a miscarriage. Husband and kids devastated. And goes on about it to this day as the very heartbreaking miscarriage. I've distanced myself from her for various reasons only vaguely connected to this now but at the time I found it very hard to say 'You're not grieving, you just got your period!'

[Port1aCastis]

I had a miscarriage last week and my good friend is being really supportive as is my Mother, don't think I can type anything else at the moment as I think you're awful OP and I shall wallow as much as I want because my child is gone!