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Inappropriate Father-Daughter relationship? *TRIGGER*

(192 Posts)
SandMason Sat 27-Jun-20 18:28:01

Hi all. I’d really appreciate your views on my childhood relationship with my father. I feel something was not right but I don’t know how to understand it or what to call it. I’ve used impersonal language because writing ‘I’ and ‘me’ in this context makes me queasy. Here is some of what I remember:

- Daughter and her younger sister being naked a lot, around the house, for no particular reason, aged up to 5 at least
- Father naked a lot, around the house, likewise no reason
- Home video of daughters playing naked, aged 4 and 1, filmed by father
- Father and daughter age 5 showering together, and daughter asking him to ‘turn his willy inside out’ (retract foreskin). Daughter rushing to get younger sister to see this ‘magic trick’. Him doing it.
- Daughter, naked, in parents’ bed alone with father ‘tickling’ her lower abdomen right above pubic bone, drawing swirls with his finger. Aged under 5
- Holidays abroad including trips to naked beaches with parents’ friends, male and female, all naked. Up to age 6(?)
- Every Saturday visit with Father after parents split (daughter age 9+ up to mid-teen) involving swimming/sauna, Father getting changed (naked) with daughters whenever possible. Father mocking daughter’s attempts to change discreetly as prudish
- Father making comments about daughter’s developing breasts being ‘lovely’
- Teenage daughters sunbathing topless on family holidays, allowed and encouraged by father
- Father and wife taking daughters (age 13 and 10) to mixed Turkish baths in Turkey, daughters go topless. Father paying for them to have ‘Turkish massages’ by middle aged men in full view of everyone, ‘masseurs’ running hands up daughters’ legs and inner thighs under towel. Father and wife watching
- Father commenting frequently to daughter how ‘sexy’ women are (e.g. celebrities)
- Father and girlfriend having sex loudly in room next to teenage daughter, father going to bathroom naked afterwards
- Father entering bathroom while teenage daughter in bath to take a pee or brush teeth
- Father choosing for daughter’s A-Level school photography project a photo-story with sexual nudes
- Father asking adult daughter how the sex was in her marriage and whether she had stitches after childbirth
- Father hugging adult daughter after drunken argument (him drunk, not her) and pushing his hips against her as she tries to wriggle out of the hug

AIBU in thinking a lot of this is not okay? How would you feel if this was your daughter? Or if this was you? I’m still trying to get to grips with it after years telling myself it’s nothing out of the ordinary, despite having a creepy feeling around him. All comments welcome. Thanks for reading.

OP’s posts: |
Todaywewilldobetter Sat 27-Jun-20 18:31:09

That doesn't sound ok, no. Are you ok, OP? Is there anyone irl you can talk to about this?

Sunnydayshereatlast Sat 27-Jun-20 18:33:42

I hope if you have dc they are never ever in his company op...
Sounds like you know none of it was ever OK at all.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring Sat 27-Jun-20 18:33:48

I think I only got to number 4 before I thought, yep totally inapporpriate. Was you mother not around in any of these situations?

BananaPop2020 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:35:47

This behaviour is/was abusive, no doubt. I am really sorry to hear that you have been subjected to this. Do you have a good support network around you now? I imagine that you are probably wondering what to do next.

CodenameVillanelle Sat 27-Jun-20 18:36:18

I was cringing for you throughout reading that. It sounds absolutely awful and I'm very sorry you had to live that flowers

Happygirl79 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:37:00

That's abuse plain and simple
You must speak to someone about this
It is unnatural and I do hope you will be able to get some help to realise this

Boomclaps Sat 27-Jun-20 18:39:09

Oh OP are you alright?
It’s not okay, much like crazy I got to number four and started feeling uncomfortable.

Sending love

topcat2014 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:41:19

That all sounds wrong to me (as a dad with a daughter)

I don't mind if dd sees me without clothes by accident, but I make sure it never happens the other way round.

billy1966 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:42:04

Shockingly inappropriate.
So creepy.
Of course a child would feel something was wrong.

Queasy reading it.


DisaK Sat 27-Jun-20 18:42:42

OP this list is horrific and all these things have crossed the line way beyond being inappropriate. If this is about you, I really think it would be a good idea to speak to a proper therapist and keep your DC away from this man and never unsupervised around him

Whatisthisfuckery Sat 27-Jun-20 18:43:10

That made me feel queasy too OP. You are definitely not over reacting in feeling that it was wildly inappropriate. Sexual abuse doesn’t have to be rape or sexual assault, it’s also behaving in a sexualised way or exposing DC to inappropriate sexual behaviour/content. I’m sorry you have all this to process and deal with. Can you get some help to work through it if you think it would be useful?

Splitsunrise Sat 27-Jun-20 18:43:31

Sorry OP that is all horrifically disgusting and not at all normal

Fungster Sat 27-Jun-20 18:45:29

I'm so sorry, OP. This wasn't normal at all. I'd echo PP suggestions to talk to a professional about this.

MillicentMartha Sat 27-Jun-20 18:45:49

Some families are more comfortable around nakedness than others, but once anyone is uncomfortable it should stop.

SickOfNorthernExile Sat 27-Jun-20 18:45:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Sat 27-Jun-20 18:46:10

He sounds sneaky and abusive.

Not quite enough there that couldnt be innocently explained if he was questioned, and he likely couldnt be charged. Enough there to think that he is a paedophile and got off on his behaviour.

Have you ever had counselling op? flowers

DuckALaurent Sat 27-Jun-20 18:47:28

I felt sick reading that.
Massively inappropriate.
So sorry OP and if you have children please never let them near him.

Elai1978 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:49:04

Some of these taken in isolation seem perfectly normal but as a pattern seem massively wrong.

crosseyedMary Sat 27-Jun-20 18:50:34

this is abuse

Eckhart Sat 27-Jun-20 18:53:08

I do think that nakedness is normal in some families, but no, lots of this is really not ok, not by a long chalk.

Aside from the facts of what happened, you need to learn to listen to your feelings. If it feels creepy, then it's creepy. That's your gut feeling, and you know, deep down, that it's right.

Are you just broaching this with yourself now? Have you got some support? Don't feel alone. Lots of people have been through this, awful as it is. You're not the only one, and there's lots of people who will understand and support you.

FizzyGreenWater Sat 27-Jun-20 18:53:47

Really really not ok.

I would describe him as a sexual abuser.

Have you spoken to anyone? Counselling would be a first step?

NEVER let any children near him. And I want to say, please cut all contact and report to the police - but, maybe that is not where you are at all right now.

POP7777777 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:55:11

Well, a lot of that sounds off, but my first two children seemed to spend a lot of time naked when they were under 5 and I didn't think anything of it. Obviously, if people other than our household were around, they would be fully dressed. My third child doesn't like being without pants since she heard about 'worms' at nursery and is now paranoid that without pants she will catch them! However, my husband has NEVER been naked around the kids and your shower story is deeply off. I know a lot of mum's who are naked in front of their kids from time to time and I think that's ok, but for a dad to be naked with his little girls seems very wrong.

Basically, almost all your stories sound awful and wrong, and I'm really sorry you're having to process your childhood. X

Eddielzzard Sat 27-Jun-20 18:55:18

Horrific. This is absolutely not ok. If she were my daughter I'd get her the hell out.

SummerDayWinterEvenings Sat 27-Jun-20 18:55:29

That is abuse, I would not ever ever ever part my labia majora to "show" my children my bits Ever. Ever. Neither would I have sex with someone -father or not- with them in same room and definately not as a teenager etc. So no -none of them. As for father asking how sex is her marriage is -weirdo. This adult needs counselling for abuse and to go totally no contact with him for the sake of her children and herself -and tell him why. He is phyiscally, sexually, emotionally and mentally abusive. End of .

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