Inappropriate Father-Daughter relationship? *TRIGGER*

[SandMason]

Hi all. I’d really appreciate your views on my childhood relationship with my father. I feel something was not right but I don’t know how to understand it or what to call it. I’ve used impersonal language because writing ‘I’ and ‘me’ in this context makes me queasy. Here is some of what I remember:

• Daughter and her younger sister being naked a lot, around the house, for no particular reason, aged up to 5 at least
• Father naked a lot, around the house, likewise no reason
• Home video of daughters playing naked, aged 4 and 1, filmed by father
• Father and daughter age 5 showering together, and daughter asking him to ‘turn his willy inside out’ (retract foreskin). Daughter rushing to get younger sister to see this ‘magic trick’. Him doing it.
• Daughter, naked, in parents’ bed alone with father ‘tickling’ her lower abdomen right above pubic bone, drawing swirls with his finger. Aged under 5
• Holidays abroad including trips to naked beaches with parents’ friends, male and female, all naked. Up to age 6(?)
• Every Saturday visit with Father after parents split (daughter age 9+ up to mid-teen) involving swimming/sauna, Father getting changed (naked) with daughters whenever possible. Father mocking daughter’s attempts to change discreetly as prudish
• Father making comments about daughter’s developing breasts being ‘lovely’
• Teenage daughters sunbathing topless on family holidays, allowed and encouraged by father
• Father and wife taking daughters (age 13 and 10) to mixed Turkish baths in Turkey, daughters go topless. Father paying for them to have ‘Turkish massages’ by middle aged men in full view of everyone, ‘masseurs’ running hands up daughters’ legs and inner thighs under towel. Father and wife watching
• Father commenting frequently to daughter how ‘sexy’ women are (e.g. celebrities)
• Father and girlfriend having sex loudly in room next to teenage daughter, father going to bathroom naked afterwards
• Father entering bathroom while teenage daughter in bath to take a pee or brush teeth
• Father choosing for daughter’s A-Level school photography project a photo-story with sexual nudes
• Father asking adult daughter how the sex was in her marriage and whether she had stitches after childbirth
• Father hugging adult daughter after drunken argument (him drunk, not her) and pushing his hips against her as she tries to wriggle out of the hug

AIBU in thinking a lot of this is not okay? How would you feel if this was your daughter? Or if this was you? I’m still trying to get to grips with it after years telling myself it’s nothing out of the ordinary, despite having a creepy feeling around him. All comments welcome. Thanks for reading.

Sorry OP, it's abuse.

We're relaxed about nudity but cover up around our DS when he got to an age where we felt it was inappropriate. He still occasionally catches me or his dad getting changed and just rolls his eyes when we remind him about respecting privacy and other people's boundaries (in his words, it's just a body!)

However, what your father has done in NOT ok in any context. Nudity is one thing, provided you were okay with it too (which it doesn't sound like you were, therefore it should have been respected not made fun of), the rest of it is something else entirely.

Sorry not just unusual, really inappropriate actually.

Your dad sounds like a sleezy cunt, I'm so sorry you have had to experience this. I hope you find peace and you are no contact with the repulsive, creep.

I couldn't have put it any better than this

Oh you poor thing. I have empathy - from a similar if not the same experience.

One thing I would say is that you shouldn't feel that you have to continue to play the family denial game - including with your mother. This doesn't mean you have to have a big confrontation etc. but equally you don't have to minimise or pretend something happen to avoid making her feel uncomfortable. I say this because in my experience often our internal world reflects the external world we are required to maintain - and when that external world denies reality it can make it even harder to deal with it internally.

But these are all issues to address or to not address in a gentle way with good supportive therapy.

xxxx

💐 no, that is not okay

Be kind to yourself! 💐

OP,

Glad to hear you our NC...your father is slime, absolute slime.

Just want to say, two daughters here and none of those would have occurred in my home.
Husband and I are comfortable in our nakedness🙄.....but have the cop on to know that our children really don't want to see their parents naked🙄🤢

Definitely not ok or normal. Jesus hope you have support right now

@Elai1978

Some of these taken in isolation seem perfectly normal but as a pattern seem massively wrong.

I agree with this. I have always had a very relaxed attitude to nudity, as do my parents. I’ll still chat with my mum if she’s in the bath, or run into the bathroom to grab something if my dad’s in the shower, and I’ll happily change into swimwear or whatever in view of them. (Not that it’s frequent as I’m an adult and don’t live with them.) I also know people who are very open about sex with their families. I’m trying consciously as a parent not to make nudity a big deal or sex a topic that is off limits as I raise my own children. However something about the pattern here is just unpleasant.

Honestly I’m overwhelmed by all your responses and feel so sad for those of you who have been through similar.

My father has no contact with any children afaik but as a PP mentioned a lot of abuse now takes place online. I hadn’t thought of that... is there a way to stop this from happening if (God forbid) he’s involved in anything like that?

I was OK with it until point 4 and it all went downhill from there. Different families have different attitudes to nudity - ours is very relaxed. The rest is off, very off.

Absolutely not normal and extremely disturbing to read. I really feel for you.

I’m so sorry op, your dad is a monster.

Please keep him away from your kids, especially if you have daughters.

I don't know - but I imagine that you could report him to the police? At least have a discussion with them - of course in doing so you need to be conscious of what that will bring up with you etc.

But yes given how much is online these days - any steps to reduce the online demand can help children at risk.

xxxxx

Hi OP , I’ve name changed but want to let you know you’re not alone. I went through much of the same-could not even read your whole post as it made me feel ill. I had many similar things and others that were very inappropriate-grooming and abuse from my father. He never raped me but he definitely abused me. I am so sorry you have gone through this. It hurts me still. Sending you strength to move forward and heal xx

SickOfNorthernExile very true.
That helped me.

I’m so very sad and sorry to read of what you endured.
Please reach out to some counselling. I think it’s really important that you can work through the all the emotions that you’re feeling.
It’s not your fault.

He’s a sick bastard and has gas lighted you into believing that you feel this way because you are prudish.
I say this as a mother of 8 and 4 year old boys who is relaxed about nudity ( I might walk from bedroom to bathroom naked, they might chat when I get dressed or share my bath and my children run around the garden naked in the sprinkler - however my kids are very comfortable with this and do the crazy stripping off and running around the garden off their own bat.

I am so sorry you have had to experience this grooming.

This has made me feel physically sick!

Absolutely not ok! I'm so sorry this has happened!

First 3 I was thinking it was normal. We are a naked household I general and don't see nudity as sexual in our childhood. All of us shower get dressed around each other without issue.

After that I struggled to read. I am sorry, All the other stuff is horrific and seems like he has been very inappropriate with you.

It's awful I'm a victim myself and it's been so hard not reflecting what happening with me reflect on my kids. Nakedness when I was a child was always "sexy/naughty/private/hidden" fuck that.

Very weird about pulling his winky about.

My five year old does see us naked but it's avoided as much as possible. If she walks in on me getting dressed then she might see something. Likewise occasionally she's burst in the bathroom whilst hes having a shower so she can wee.

I have never seen my parents bits! My dad took me in the shower in swim shorts as a little girl to get me used to it. My mum was always in the bathroom.

All the holiday stuff and developing stuff is really odd behaviour.

He definitely seems to of behaved in appropriately alot.

Nudity varies i guess.my partner's dad has always apparently walked across the landing naked etc. He's certainly not perverted. Just slept naked. luckilyone wore gowns!

Those of you who have been through something similar and are now healing, what helped you? Did you tell other family members and how did they react?

@Foxesinsockses @JoysOfString @Iexperiencedthattooxx (and others - sorry I’m scrolling back and forth and getting lost)

@SandMason

I hope you get the support and validation you need from your therapist.

Isn't it amazing what our brains can recall when we let them go to those places?

I was abused by my father, I witnessed him abusing my older sisters too, all done in a jokey, tickly way.

I had never discussed it with any of my sister's throughout the years. He and my mum split up so I had limited contact with him.

It wasn't until family circumstances in later years he came into my life again.

When it became clear to me he hadn't changed, I spoke to my sisters. We were all relieved it was out in the open.

We disclosed the abuse to our brothers and although they wanted to report the abuse to the police, we couldn't have coped with it at all.

My brother confronted him, he denied it and then said he didn't remember, but he drank a lot in those days and it was probably because of that....

We cut contact that day, all of us. He has nobody. If I ever feel sad/guilt/worried I remind myself of all the incidents that he got off with over the years, he really should rot in hell.

Meanwhile one of my sister's has an eating disorder, the other has OCD and another is an alcoholic.

I have had counselling, psychotherapy to be precise, but I know his legacy will live with me for a long time.

I feel so much for you, but well done on cutting contact, I hope it helps.

He doesn't deserve room in your head

Quite a bit of it could legitimately be valid cultural/personal differences, but everything combined, especially most of the stuff when you were older is wrong.