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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 09/04/2020 00:10

So are you on his side now? she’s no income and he refuses to give her a penny?
He earns significantly more and she’s still to pay 50% when she is earning?
That’s not a marriage.
@2girls

popsydoodle4444 · 09/04/2020 00:15

I'm going to hazard a guess that he doesn't do much to help with general day to day childcare,school runs,homework,cleaning,cooking,laundry etc either

Lumierecandle · 09/04/2020 00:15

Why do so many Mumsnet husbands have children with women with low earning potential and then become resentful when they can’t contribute as much financially whilst of course still doing the lions share of housework and childcare? Hmm
He’s selfish and tight OP, in case you needed someone else to tell you that. If you worked FT your extra earnings would be eaten up by childcare costs. Would your partner then be equally responsible for child and house? I would guess not.
In my experience by the time men are resentful about this they feel contempt and the relationship is hard to salvage. If he genuinely just feels very stressed by finances and wants you to increase your earning potential I would seize this opportunity to gain hugs support for you to do some further study and train to do something practical. This will give you a lot more options in the future if his attitude doesn’t improve.

Bouledeneige · 09/04/2020 00:18

Whilst I certainly think your OH is mean and nasty I'm not quite sure why women expect to be fully financed and supported by a man. Would all the women on here be prepared to do that for their part time earning husband? Just seems odd to me. I've always stood on my own two feet and have never needed a hand out.

SocialConnection · 09/04/2020 00:22

It's called coercive control. It's a form of abuse.

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/04/2020 00:23

@Bouledeneige do piss off - your stupid gloating doesn't help and you obviously don't know what a real marriage is supposed to be like .

Poppybeaumydarlinggirl · 09/04/2020 00:25

He’s abusive plan ahead and leave. Good luck to you and your son

givemeanamepls · 09/04/2020 00:29

It sounds like financial abuse to me. Marriage should be a partnership. If one loses their job, the partnership covers them both and the needs of the family as a whole.

Northernsoullover · 09/04/2020 00:29

He sounds dreadful. Learn from this and when this situation improves look for a job and plan financial independence. Forget school hours jobs. They are rarer than hens teeth. Breakfast club and after school club wont cost you a days wages.
I'd also look at getting some training to improve your prospects. I agree that you should be working but now is not the time.

JKScot4 · 09/04/2020 00:32

Definitely plan to leave, you will be entitled to Universal Credit and help with childcare costs, look for a job just now, get organised.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 09/04/2020 00:36

He's financially abusive. Let me guess, all childcare costs came from your wage alone before?

Do you love him? Or even like him? I'd find it impossible to love someone who treated his wife and child in this way.

He's aware that you'd have a legal claim over 'his' income and assets if you split, right? But while you're married he thinks it's ok to treat you like a tenant?

I'd be getting legal advice if I were you. And I'd be copying bank statements, payslips, investment and mortgage docs etc and sending a copy to a trusted friend to hold for me.

You know the dynamics of your family best, but I think you'd better off in every sense if you threw him out and divorced him.

gluteustothemaximus · 09/04/2020 00:38

I work full time. DH does childcare. I would be mortified if he had no money.

It is OUR money.

I can't earn it if he doesn't look after the kids.

Really is that simple.

EKGEMS · 09/04/2020 00:45

You married a selfish motherfucker and you should divorce the bastard and sue for child maintenance and half of everything he owns

Winterlife · 09/04/2020 00:54

Would all the women on here be prepared to do that for their part time earning husband?

I can't speak to all women, but I certainly did this. I almost always outearned my husband. He was home with our children during the day, took them to school when they started school, and picked them up before going to work. All our money has always gone into a common pot. I had an illness with no money coming in, he outearned me, and our money still went into a common pot.

soannya · 09/04/2020 00:58

To everyone criticising the OP
GET A GRIP and reel your heads in. Have you even read her posts properly? Have you even realised the the OP has been the one to juggle working around school hours and childcare? That impacts earning ability and the jobs she can take. It’s made a massive dent in her career ladder. What’s he done? Has he had to juggle his work hours around HIS child? NO. He fucking hasn’t has he. She’s done all of that. Plus he expects her to contribute to bills but what’s his contribution to the career/working hours sacrifice? Oh, that’s right ZERO. So the OP has to juggle juggle juggle and you all expect her to have to suck that down? Well OP if I was you, I’d be googling the child maintenance website and plugging in his salary to see what you’d be getting every week. Plus you’d get single person benefits. Have you done that calculation?

Millymollymandybestie · 09/04/2020 01:07

I seem to be in the minority in my generation but i I just don’t get the my money thing. The money me and my dh earn is ours regardless of who earns more or less. We have shared money since pretty much the start being from about 16 and then had a joint account from 18. If your with someone and are sharing your life with them I dint understand why you wouldn’t do this

LangSpartacusCleg · 09/04/2020 01:17

I seem to be in the minority in my generation but i I just don’t get the my money thing. The money me and my dh earn is ours regardless of who earns more or less. We have shared money since pretty much the start being from about 16 and then had a joint account from 18. If your with someone and are sharing your life with them I dint understand why you wouldn’t do this

Don’t which generation you are, but this!

I firmly believe that both people in a couple should be contributing but those contributions may not always be financial and they may not always be equal.

Before DH and I got married, we had a serious talk about money and work. We had no choice but to have the conversation as we are different nationalities, were working overseas and dependent on visas.

We were perfectly clear and outlined our choices - if we stayed where we were, then he would stay at home and I would be the breadwinner. If he accepted a job in a different country, he would be the breadwinner and I would stay at home for at least two years (working related visa issues).

In either circumstance, we have a joint account that all money goes into. And then we also have our own ‘pocket money accounts’ so that I can’t criticize how much he has spent on coffee and eating out and he can’t complain about my book and craft supplies habit.

Millymollymandybestie · 09/04/2020 01:24

LangSpartacusCleg I’m late 20s. would have been helpful to state that wouldn’t it 🤦🏻‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2020 01:28

I've always stood on my own two feet and have never needed a hand out.

Who looked after your children when they were small?

Goodnightelizabethwalton · 09/04/2020 01:28

He is an arsehole. Any chance you could put some money for emergencies in your own bank account? Then get ready for the big talk. You both need to be working as a family together or divorce. Keep the police on speed dial if he kicks off so can be removed from the house. Take it from there go to a solicitor. He will have to pay out child support and you could claim benefits. He needs some shock treatment.

Weenurse · 09/04/2020 01:29

All our money goes into a joint pot.
60% for general living, bills, mortgage etc.
20% for splurge, treats, takeaway, hobbies
20% for savings, holidays, new cars, furniture etc.
Good luck

Aus84 · 09/04/2020 01:37

This is so sad OP. Normally I agree with the few posters saying you both should be contributing financially but you have a young child and it seems you have already been taking what is available. I used to work in recruitment and there are so many women seeking work around school hours/childcare so you have a lot of competition for those jobs. Can you use this time now to upskill into another area of employment? You said you work retail, could you do some short courses in administration? I would be doing everything I could now to work towards independence and leaving your husband.he is financially abusive.

anonacatchat · 09/04/2020 01:53

Please call women's aid

LangSpartacusCleg · 09/04/2020 02:13

I’m late 20s. would have been helpful to state that wouldn’t it

😂 then we are not the same generation but we are in agreement.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/04/2020 02:36

Agree with everyone saying you are being financially abused.
As you are married the money coming into the household should be family money to be used for the family, not one greedy abusive fucker alone.
the people saying you are unreasonable don't seem to fathom the difference between bringing in £150 and £800 a month - your H still has a heap of money left over from his income, while you have none. Your "treats" (HA! love how people jump to that to get the knife in a bit deeper) include your mobile phone bill and toiletries, plus stuff for your son - hardly going all out on the pampering and Louboutins, is it!!

Can you leave him? Do you even like him? I would spend this time while you aren't working, looking to leave - you would be far better off and you'd feel less unappreciated.

I hope you manage to escape this financial abuser, I really do.