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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 08/04/2020 22:34

There should be a bangs head on table smiley.

At best, this is terribly misguided. At worst it is financial abuse.

You have reduced your earning capability to be available to care for his child. You should not be the only one impacted by the decision to procreate. He needs to compensate you for your lost earning power. The way many families handle this so to pool resources, pay for necessities, and budget some equal individual discretionary spending as your household can afford. And no, that doesn’t mean things like a kid-centric outing come out of mom’s fun money. Those get budgeted separately. If you can’t pool resources for one reason or another, he can pay you a salary for the more than 50% of child and household care you are providing.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 08/04/2020 22:34

Why are you with him? How can any respectable person be happy with their partner having a worse quality of life than them. It’s at best selfish and at worst abusive. What are his redeeming qualities!?

EmotionalFlood · 08/04/2020 22:35

Going against the grain here Blush I agree both partners should contribute financially to a household, it's a partnership. I wouldn't be happy not bringing money in (albeit a lot less than my partner) just like we split household jobs... I wouldn't be happy not working either though.

TrainspottingWelsh · 08/04/2020 22:35

Obviously if you've just lost your job he should be supporting you now. But otherwise it doesn't sound like it was a mutual decision that he would financially provide in the first place.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:36

@joydivisionovengloves71 I would usually earn about £150 a month. I'd pay my phone bill out of it, travel to work, toiletries for myself and anything my son needed. My husband has plenty of money left in his wages to treat himself as often as he likes

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 08/04/2020 22:39

On minimum wage you’d only be doing, what 16 hrs a month?
Is your son very young?
I think your DH needs to discover how expensive DIVORCE is!!!

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2020 22:40

He's financially abusive
He clearly doesn't see you as a team
Does he watch the new tv?
Walk on the new carpet?
Tell him not to if its yours!

Seriously divorce him

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2020 22:41

Does he not even pay for things for your son?

How long has this been going on?

What is your housing situation?

Sertchgi123 · 08/04/2020 22:42

Get your ducks in a row, sorry. 💐

ScissorsBike · 08/04/2020 22:44

Why were you only working 4 hours per week?

strawberry2017 · 08/04/2020 22:45

What am absolute bastard!
Your a family, you work around your child and he won't give you access to any money!
You need to leave.
You would be better off without him.
Use this time to get copies of everything you can in the house and prepare to get out as soon as you can.
Nobody should live like this.

Walnutwhipster · 08/04/2020 22:49

Allowance? He is an absolute cunt. You should be an equal partnership in all things. Your situation is financially abusive. No way would I put up with that treatment. It's 'our' money and no I do not work outside of the home.

TippledPink · 08/04/2020 22:49

It doesn't sound like he was ever in agreement to carrying the financial burden- did you ever discuss you not working? 16 hours a month is around 4 hours a week. If my partner decided he didn't really want to work and I had to pay for everything I don't think I would be happy with that either! Having a child doesn't mean you can't work.

It doesn't sound like you not working suits either of you- you have little money and he has to pay for everything which is chasing resentment. Obviously he should support you if you have lost your job but once lockdown is over you need to have a serious chat about your expectations from each other.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/04/2020 22:52

What would he say if you said you would contribute more to finances if he contributed more to family life? If he did school pick up or drop off and you did the other so you could get a full time job. If he he did an equal share of housework, cooking, organising, shopping, emergency days off to care for sick child etc etc?

I find it disgusting that he doesnt seem to contribute to anything for your son, is that right?

Meruem · 08/04/2020 22:52

I find it somewhat ironic that things are supposedly better for women now than back in the 50’s or whatever because hey they can earn their own money and be “independent”. Except that now that gives twats like your husband the right to financially abuse you and tell you you’re not pulling your weight. It’s a theme I see over and over on here. You are raising your joint child. Does he never use the kitchen or tv or carpets? Sorry but my only advice is divorce him and watch him whine and complain about paying maintenance. But at least then he won’t be in your face saying it.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 08/04/2020 22:53

I hope you’ll run to be first in the very long divorce queue when this is over OP - I’m sorry but you’re husband is a complete and utter gobshite.

Katypyee · 08/04/2020 22:53

What an arse badger! He is financially abusing you. 'His' money is your money too. In fact it is his family's money.

Could he continue with his work if you were able to work full time? I am guessing the answer is no.

He sounds an awful person to live with.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 08/04/2020 22:54

Leave the fucker. Then he'll have to give you money whether he likes it or not.

Iateallthecookies000 · 08/04/2020 22:54

Op when this is all over get a full time job. He’s not going to take care of you and you are vulnerable without an income.

Katypyee · 08/04/2020 22:54

And as for the 9% who think the poster is being unreasonable Shock.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:54

Ok, just to clarify. Before we had my son I worked full time and everything was split 50/50. We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself. My husband earned 4 times as much as me a month but was paying the same amount into the bills as me. I assumed if I needed anything for myself he would help me out. I was probably wrong to assume that. If I needed anything for myself I went without whilst my husband would treat himself to new clothes, nights out etc.. I was made redundant a few times over the years and struggled to find a job that would fit in around school hours. Hence my wages sometimes been lower and not being able to contribute as much or anything. The 4 hour job I had recently was a foot in the door for me. It was a job and I didn't want to turn it down. Before the coronavirus situation I had applied to be a supervisor within the company which would have meant more money. If I've ever been able to afford to do a food shop or whatever, I have done. I don't think it's unacceptable of me to want a little money for myself when husband has plenty to for whatever he please for himself. If the situation was the other way around I would not be complaining about having to financially support my family like he does.

OP posts:
Pondlife87 · 08/04/2020 22:55

My instinct is to agree with the majority here. But I'm wondering a few things before I make a snap decision and base my advice on that
1..how many hours did you work and what did you earn? Is there a reason you work that many hours specifically

  1. Does he pay for anything for your son?
  2. Does he pay for things when you go out as a family unit?
Firewall · 08/04/2020 22:55

So sorry, this sounds awful. My husband pays for everything (mortgage/bills/everything we need) as I do the bulk of the childcare though he’s very hands on when he’s at home. He enjoys the responsibility and sees us as a team.

Katypyee · 08/04/2020 22:56

You are being totally reasonable. He on the other hand, is behaving like a massive tool.

Turquoiseeyes · 08/04/2020 22:57

I'm not 'going against the grain' I'm disagreeing with almost every poster.
You expect your husband to pay for everything all the time and you expect to keep your £150 a month to yourself.
He's not financially abusing you, it's tables turned, you are the one that's expecting your husband to foot all the bills and pay you an allowance. That's financial abuse by you.
Seriously, what planet are you on? Have you morphed back to the 50s.It's not going to be easy now in this Covid 19 pandemic but you need to look at what your contribution will be in future.