Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

Why do you think he is the only one that should 'provide'

Ok so maybe OP should hand over full care of the 6yr old DC and see how her DH manages his job with that? I mean then she’ll be fully free to pursue a full time career but somehow I can’t imagine he will be totally happy with that.

Why are you putting up with this? I read posts like this all the here sadly. This isn't a partnership.

We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself

So you had to pay 50% of the bills plus childcare, and he just had to pay 50% of the bills, despite earning 4 times as much as you? Why wasn't childcare his responsibility too?

people are missing the point he wants her to contribute now with no job-and he wont give her anything to get by

Ok, having read further I’ve changed my mind. If op was a guy we’d be calling them a c lodger. Get a job like the rest of us who are also juggling family commitments. He will probably leave if you don’t.

How is OP being criticised? She’s unfortunately had a run of bad luck with jobs and was only earning £150pm and from that was expected to clothe herself and her child and pay for anything they both need plus her phone and fares to work whilst her DH treats himself and grudges helping her out.
It’s a partnership where they should support each other, I’m sure if he lost his job and OP was the main earner he’d expect ££ from her for himself.
How many of you could manage on £37pw?

YABU on two counts:

1. putting up with that student share behaviour, once a kid is present couples have to merge resources.

2. you cannot afford choosing not to have a proper job with a miserable man like that. Admittedly, there is not much you can do during the lock down but once is finished get a job with fixed hours/salary, 16 hours or more. I can assure you your kid will not be damaged by going to breakfast and after school clubs. Admittedly you will have to pay for them but, you are working and any money is better than no money at all, and you will need to start building up on that job as you need to be more financially independent for the sake of your kid. You don’t want him living in poverty with his dad or without.

I gave up my job - and my career TBH- when we had DS1. We have since had DD and DS2. I don't work at all.
DH has been promoted 2 times in those 5 years and earns a very good salary. It's our money. He could not do that job if I was not doing what I do. He wanted children (I didn't but I love them now we've got them) and we have a big house which is a lovely place to live. I would have been where he is now in my career. So I feel it's only right that the money is ours. It pays for everything. Goes into our joint account and we both use it for whatever we need. He feels the same and it just isn't an issue.

I would feel unloved and disrespected if he did any different and I couldn't put up with it. It's as if what you contribute to your life together is worthless and you are some kind of unwanted burden on him. He should want you to be secure and happy and be able to treat yourself if you feel like it when that amount if money is spare every month.
I hate meanness. It says more about him as a person and that he is mean -spirited. You are the person he can afford to be generous to and he should want that.

Your contribution to the family lies in your child. Your dh is being either thoughtless or abusive. The former can't be so as anyone who just hadn't thought of it would behave differently as soon as they had a conversation about money and its division and use within the family. IMO your dh is abusi ve financially.

I wonder if he would prefer to pay child maintenance via CMS? That's where he's taking himself; the longer he keeps you barefoot in the kitchen and nursery, the more likely he is to find himself divorced and having to pay much more towards his child's upkeep than he does at present, as well as a whole load of other things he won't like going on.

Point that out to the abusive bastard bloke.

Poor you. He sounds really awful. As you say, you’re his wife not the lodger and you have a child and it’s not your fault you lost your job.

He’s out of order, not you

He’s a wanker and financially abusive. Have you used the online calculator to see how much you’d get if you separated? I absolutely couldn’t live with someone like that. How does he expect you to support your child and yourself given you can’t use childcare?

@Iateallthecookies000
She’s lost her job and he expects her to somehow contribute and won’t give her anything, whilst he has plenty spare £.

@ suggestionsplease1 - the child is six(6). Try to keep up!
OP - you need to think of your future - what will your old age be like if this situation remains the same?

It's not love or appreciation.
We want out loved ones to be happy.

This is so mean and cruel I can't understand any married couples who are like this.

Your a unit and a team.

I've only got a paid job in the past few years.
My money goes into the same account family pots as dh did..
I'm public sector and low pay, dh is OK pay but may get made redundant or furlough.

I'll be proud if I can keep working and pay for dh. When dh said before covid he wasn't happy at work I didn't mind at all if he took it lower paid job...

It's give and take and ying and yang.

FFS. You're married to an asshole. i'm so sorry.

Tell him you plan to get a full time job. And that he will have to do his complete share, 50% of the childcare and house chores, child sick days, drop offs/pick ups, medical appointments, shopping, cooking etc. Not to punish him, but because he's made it clear your marriage isn't a partnership and he doesn't have your back. So you're going to have to have your own back and protect yourself going forward financially, which means he has to pull his weight at home and with his kids.

I don't see how your marriage will survive going forward, frankly, if he doesn't do a complete 180 attitude-wise. What a wanker.

OP he is financially abusing you. I personally feel finances should be held jointly in a marriage so the relationship can truly be a partnership.
It sounds as if doesnt treat you properly.
Would he be open to chatting with s counsellor about this ?

I'm confused as to why you could only work 4 hours a week. Is that all they would give you? That just seems like a waste of time for the business in all honesty but guess that's their choice.

JKScot4 Obviously she can’t contribute right now, but she does need to get a full time job. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to support her and this will only get worse with time. Job will give her independence and money to contribute to the household. No woman should be dependent on a man when he doesn’t want it.

Why? Just why would you even bother with this so called husband? You should share, that what partners do. They share child care, money, work ...otherwise its just not a partnership. LTB and asap.

Also OP what is he like in general?
Is he kind?
Generous to others? Nice to family/ friends ?

To all the posters saying I should get a job and contribute, I have just lost my job. I am not choosing to not work. I have always worked since having our son apart from when I've lost jobs. When I have been able to contribute financially, I have done. My last job I didn't earn enough to contribute. I have also already said should the situation be reversed I would be happy to do what he does and pay all the bills and I wouldn't complain about it. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if he had no money for himself every month like I do

You expect your husband to pay for everything all the time and you expect to keep your £150 a month to yourself.

Gosh yes, she must be living like a queen on 37,50 a week.

Have you listened to yourself recently?

Well expecting your you to contribute when you don't earn is ridiculous.

You've certainly had bad luck with employment over the years though.

I don't know...I wouldn't want to be the only adult in the home earning when the other parent isn't a SAHP.

I just don't like being responsible for the full financial provision of a capable adult. I've never has to...but I wouldn't want to.

Those suggesting the OP works full time and her H stays at home...I think it's obvious she doesn't have the kind of career where full time hours would cover all the bills, like he currently does.

@ChocolateDove a 4 hour contract was offered to me and I took it. It was a job and a foot in the door. There was occasionally overtime but not often. I'd applied for a job within the same company for more hours and a week later I was made redundant due to the coronavirus.

Your husband is a nasty git.