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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:29

@SandyY2K I worked in retail so even doing that full time would not match my husband's wage

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 08/04/2020 23:31

I feel so sorry for the way your husband is treating you.
Yes we all want to pay our way, but when he can afford to treat himself and let's his child go without, that is just low.
I think tell him after this he can do all weekends so you can go out and work.
Hit him with looking after his own child, just like you do all week.

AlexaShutUp · 08/04/2020 23:32

Of course, it's difficult for you to get a job now, though I do know some people who have managed it in lockdown.

However, the fact that you were only working four hours per week before you were made redundant doesn't exactly suggest a strong work ethic. I know that you're doing childcare as well, but four hours when your child is at school is nothing.

LannieDuck · 08/04/2020 23:32

We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself.

This is where you got into trouble. Before children, you covered the bills 50:50. After children, you had a choice:

  1. Continue to split the bills 50:50 and split the childcare 50:50
  2. Specialise, and one person cover 100% of the bills while the other covers 100% of the childcare
  3. Somewhere in-between

What he's done is shove 100% of the childcare onto you AND expected you to continue to pay 50% of the bills... then been resentful when that's impossible.

I would tell him that I'll go back to paying half the bills when Covid is over, but he'll need to pick-up his half of the childcare. So would he prefer to do school pick-ups or drop-offs? And obviously he should make arrangements to allow flexibility in the case of child illness / doctor's appointments.

I don't know what his position is on housework, but he should be expecting to do half of that too.

happywifi99 · 08/04/2020 23:32

I'm so sorry but this financial abuse. His language is very concerning. Is he controlling about other things too?

Iateallthecookies000 · 08/04/2020 23:33

Isn’t Tesco’s hiring and other supermarkets? Get an application in op

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:35

@AlexaShutUp the 4 hour job was my last job and I took it because it was a job. I was available to work more than 4 hours, I didn't just choose to find a 4 hour job. Previously in other jobs I'd worked either 16 or 20 hours but was made redundant from them

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:36

@AlexaShutUp I have a strong work ethic, I've worked since I was 15 and I'm now 41. The only times I've been out of work is when I've lost my job

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 08/04/2020 23:38

@Iateallthecookies000 Yes so the OP can work in Tesco and then the OP's husband will need to be at home caring for the 6 year old. I think that's an ideal solution.

Headlesschic · 08/04/2020 23:39

I'm really sad for you. This isn't how a marriage should work. The way you're being treated is wrong.

SandyY2K · 08/04/2020 23:40

So since you had your son, you've worked part time? In this case still expecting you to pay 50% of the bills and you doing the childcare wasn't possible. It left you impoverished every month.

Why did you agree to that?

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:43

@SandyY2K I agreed because I thought he would help me out if I ever needed anything for myself. Like I would for him if the situation was reversed. Very stupid of me to expect that from him, I know now.

OP posts:
TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 08/04/2020 23:44

Isn’t Tesco’s hiring and other supermarkets? Get an application in op

And if she cannot find childcare or fit her hours round her h's work or he refuses to look after the child, what's she supposed to do? Some areas have no Tesco. More than you'd think. Hmm

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 08/04/2020 23:45

He's financially abusing you. This is a form of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is a crime.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/04/2020 23:51

Perils of marrying a tight man.

If he paid for the shopping and bills, what did you spend your wages on?

If he's anything like a friend of mine's husband - days out & activities & clothes for DC. As well as what she needs for herself be it clothes, sanitary protection, travel costs for work, work lunches etc. & that's with working part-time to keep childcare costs down too. It's neither fair nor sustainable on a part-time wage. Even if shopping and bills are paid for.

Iateallthecookies000 · 08/04/2020 23:52

Op most couples have both got to work, everything is so expensive if you want to have nice things then you have to earn it. My DH earns slightly more than I do but there’s no way I’m becoming financially dependent on him. It’s not because he’s financially abusive but I’ve been taught to have my own money too. If I want something nice no way do I expect someone else to pay for it.

mummmy2017 · 08/04/2020 23:56

Can I ask do you want to stay married?
You seem so unhappy.

DivGirl · 08/04/2020 23:58

Against the grain somewhat but you took a 4 hour a week job in retail as a foot in the door?! I agree that if you were a man you'd be called a cocklodger.

Your husband is acting like a dick but he might just have had enough. He didn't sign up to be the sole earner by the sound of things, and that's essentially what he's become for months.

I think you need to have a proper chat with him about finances and then go and get yourself a proper job. Assuming you reach a sensible agreement. If you don't reach a sensible agreement divorce him, and then get a proper job.

Bakingbaking · 08/04/2020 23:58

Op he is wrong. I work from home but only a couple of hours a day for his business. I do all child care. We have a joint account and everything from his wages goes in as do mine even though it is small. Once the bills are paid we can do what we like he never says no unless it's a silly idea. Small purchases we just go ahead and buy bug purchases we discuss. He has never said I need to earn more etc. As we are a team. Your DH really is a dickhead

Bakingbaking · 08/04/2020 23:59

Divgirl. But surely they would have to spend the money she earns on child care... What's the point?

DivGirl · 09/04/2020 00:04

@Bakingbaking Financial security, pension contributions, feelings of self worth, job progression, keeping her foot in the door.

Lots of reasons, there's probably more but I'm half asleep.

MsPepperPotts · 09/04/2020 00:05

I have been in your situation albeit many years ago.
I got absolutely nothing from him financially at all. Worked full time from the age of 16.
I was forced to work part time and had to pay for childcare and everything for me and the children out of my wages which were very low back then.
We did not have a mortgage. He bought the house with cash he earned cash in hand.

We are talking small amounts of money here compared to today but he spent large amounts on his expensive cars, going out drinking every weekend. He was able to buy whatever he wanted for himself. He never bought me or the children anything.

So in the end I knew that mine and the childrens lives were going to be hell with the selfish abusive arsehole so i made a plan...
I eventually got a job and moved out and never looked back and I very quickly moved on in my career with just my work ethic.

You can do the same OP. You will be so much better off on your own with your DC than living a stressful life with this awful man.
Do not waste your life like this. He will erode your self esteem and confidence.
You deserve so much better Flowers

RedRedScab · 09/04/2020 00:07

I had one like this so I let him go.

LangSpartacusCleg · 09/04/2020 00:08

my share of the bills and childcare

This can be interpreted in two ways. If you mean 50% of the the bills and 100% childcare, then a YANBU.

If you mean 50% of the bills and 50% of the childcare, YABU.

Either way, I would be pissed off at the way he speaks about buying you a kitchen/tv etc.

I think it is time for a serious chat about what you (and he) want life to look like. And what it might look like if you divorce (hint: 50/50 is only the starting point). What does he need to do for you to be able to make a 50/50 contribution to your life together?

2girls3dogs · 09/04/2020 00:08

YABU
You: my money is my money, but your money is ‘our’ money
When you’re working you should financially contribute. It’s unfair to expect him to pay for everything when you can add in your bit. I am on you DH side 100%

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