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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
positivepixie · 08/04/2020 22:58

Happy to go out and enjoy himself regularly knowing that his wife and son can’t afford a day out? No thanks. You need a serious conversation about the fundamentals of your relationship, how he sees you and his son, how the finances will work from now on, be clear on what you intend to do workwise and what you don’t want to do - eg would you be happy to go full time and jointly pay for wrap around care? Perhaps a series of questions where you both compromise your approach to test appetites for change.

Quartz2208 · 08/04/2020 22:58

Yep he is a selfish financially abusive arse

You need a long chat with him about what being a partnership and married means and the fact you are looking after his child

You go without when he gets everything

seriously when lockdown is over get legal advice and leave

Meruem · 08/04/2020 22:59

OP do not feel the need to defend yourself. You have done nothing wrong. He is being a selfish bastard, to be blunt. But I fear that sadly you are finding out, as many women do, that men who insist on 50/50 turn into absolute cunts (and I hate that word so don’t use it lightly!) when children are born.

OlaEliza · 08/04/2020 22:59

I'm going to go against the grain and say you sound like a bit of a fanny-lodger, to me. What's his is yours, and what's yours is yours.

That attitude in a man wouldnt be tolerated on here, so shouldn't be now because it's a woman posting.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 08/04/2020 23:00

Can I ask what been out of work a few times means?

Pondlife87 · 08/04/2020 23:01

Just read your addition. Your husband is a greedy prick. Show him this thread to make him realise the vast majority think so

Candyfloss99 · 08/04/2020 23:02

Yep he's financially abusing you Sad

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:02

Why shouldn't I haven't been able to keep my £150 wage to myself when my husband has at least £800 left for himself out of his wage after paying for food and bills FOR HIS FAMILY.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2020 23:04

How old is your child?

EmmaC78 · 08/04/2020 23:04

There are two seperate issues for me here. One is how your husband speaks to you, which is not acceptable. Things like a TV are family purchases not himdoing you a favour. The second point though is your lack of contribution to the family financially. I am with the minority who say they can understand why your husband wouldn't be happy.

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/04/2020 23:05

You should. All money should also be going into one pot you have equal access too, and you decide together what to save, what to spend on treats (for both of you) marriage is a partnership, but your husband appears not to understand this

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:06

@MrsTerryPratchett our child is 6

OP posts:
EmmaC78 · 08/04/2020 23:06

OP you keep saying he is paying for things for his family, but it is your family too so where possible you should be making a more equitable contribution financially.

Tzigane · 08/04/2020 23:06

You expect your husband to pay for everything all the time and you expect to keep your £150 a month to yourself.

Phone bill, travel to work, anything her son needs - is not 'keeping it to herself.'

Hoarder123 · 08/04/2020 23:07

YABU op, to put up with this dreadful apology of a husband, father and actual human being! He is treating you like an unpaid servant, to keep house, look after his son and satisfy his sexual needs without him having to make any payment!

Don’t let your son grow up thinking this is the way a relationship should be.

TheFutureMrsHardy · 08/04/2020 23:07

He sounds like an utter wanker, OP.

Seeing your partner go without while you have spare money is cruel and selfish. You're not a leech, you are his wife and the mother of his child. You are a family unit, a team.

I'd be getting myself to a solicitor when this outbreak is over.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:08

@Shitsgettingcrazy I've been made redundant 4 times in the last 3 years. I've had spells of being unemployed as I struggled to find a job that would fit in around school. 6 months has been the longest I've been out of work

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 08/04/2020 23:08

Why do you think he is the only one that should 'provide'?

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 08/04/2020 23:10

What a nasty mean-spirited excuse for a man.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 23:10

@EmmaC78 I have contributed whenever I've been able to but he still expects me to when I'm out of work

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 08/04/2020 23:11

You both sound quite selfish to me, tbh.

suggestionsplease1 · 08/04/2020 23:11

To be honest I tend to agree that if this was about a man he would be called a cock lodger on this forum.

There's a lot we don't know - how old is your child, how is childcare split, how able to work are you etc etc.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2020 23:12

At six, with all the wrap around care that children that age need, yeah, he's being a wanker.

Bill him for childcare, and anything else you do.

RandomMess · 08/04/2020 23:12

Would he pay half the childcare if you went back to work? Would he take on half of the house work and remaining childcare and the mental load of organising it all?

His attitude is very unkind and he can't have it always. If you do the lions share of housework and childcare you are contributing!

I couldn't be with someone so financially miserly towards me and our child.

JaniceBattersby · 08/04/2020 23:12

He sounds like a horrible fucking bastard. I guess you should tell him that he needs to step up and be responsible for 50 per cent of child care and you’ll go out and get a full time job but the problem with that is you’ll still be married to a horrible fucking bastard so I’d just seek a divorce and find a nice bloke. There are many out there.