AIBU with regard to giving lifts...(1000 Posts)
Hi, sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.
My dd and her friend, both 14 years olds, go to a club every Friday after school. My dd decided to attend this club and after about 6 weeks her friend wanted to try it out, but because her mum doesn't drive, and because it's quite far away, (about 1hr 30min walking through some not great areas) the only way she can really attend is if I drive her.
I was happy to do this as I'm taking my dd anyway, they're friends and it's a nice thing to do and so I have been doing this for almost 2 years now.
I am friends with the mum too, although we don't see that much of each other anymore as she changed jobs a year ago, and now works much longer hours.
Unfortunately, Friday has become a really busy day for me over the last year, as although I'm a sahm, I have many commitments on my time, and Friday is one that is fixed, and I can't get out of, so I'm generally not home until 5pm.
Club is 18-25 mins away by car due to traffic at that time, and club starts at 6.30pm and goes on until 8pm.
We would need to leave from my house at 6pm in order to allow enough time for the traffic jams we usually encounter.
They live about 1.5 mile away by car, but in the opposite driving direction to the club.
Walking distance is much less though as there is a short cut they can use, which would take them less than 10 minutes, and even the long way around (0.8 miles) would only take them 15 minutes according to Google.
Due to traffic at that time it's a 15 minute detour to pick them up from their house, so this means I have to leave my house at 5.45pm at the latest in order to have enough time to drive to the club.
I'm finding it increasingly stressful to get dinner, etc, sorted within the 30-40 minute time frame this realistically leaves me.
As a consequence, I'm often running a bit late leaving my house, so I may be a maximum of 10 minutes late picking them up, which leaves me even more stressed and rushing to get to the club on time, as I prefer to be there 5 minutes early.
For example, two weeks ago I picked them up (mum came that week) 10 minutes late and parked up at the club dead on 6pm, which realistically meant they were 2-3 minutes late for it by the time they entered the hall.
Over the last 2 years they've only been actually late to class a maximum of 4 times (twice in the last 12 months), but the stress I'm feeling rushing around, or cutting my stuff short in order to not be late for them is really getting to me.
I would say I'm late picking her/them up probably 4 out of every 6 times.
This varies from being a minute late picking them up to a maximum of 10 minutes late and probably averages 4 minutes, and although this only rarely results in them being late for the actual club, it stresses me out nevertheless.
If I'm not outside their house by 5.45pm, I immediately start getting texts asking where I am, which I obviously can't answer as I'm driving, and anyway stopping to reply would just make me even later! Hearing the texts pinging also stresses me out even more.
Seven or eight times over the summer, she walked up to us for short before 6pm, so that we could leave my house at 6pm and I found that so much less stressful.
I know it doesn't sound like much but that extra 15 minutes made all the difference for me. I was much less stressed and we always got there 5 minutes early every time.
Since the weather has got colder and darker, I've been picking her up from her house, and it's just not working for me, and I feel really guilty when I'm picking them up late, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of the MNer book and let them know I was having a problem. I really didn't expect there to be an issue.
In the spirit of this, I sent the mum a text yesterday afternoon and asked her to get her dd to walk up to ours for 5pm on Friday (thinking about when it gets dark), instead of me driving to get her for 5.45pm.
My dd got a text back from the dd almost immediately saying: it's fine they'd rather wait for me to pick them up as it gives them more time at home, and that they'd see me then (turns out mum is coming along too).
I then texted the mum back again saying that that didn't suit me, being late is stressing me out and I'd rather she/they walked here as I also need that extra time myself.
Mum texted me again and said she's coming on Friday too so we can catch up, but that she really doesn't want to walk to me as it is 'miserable weather' outside now, and she prefers to leave home as late as possible.
I texted back and said they didn't need to be here until 6pm then, but that I would like them to come to me in future, as it makes my life easier.
I had no reply to that text, which I sent around 8pm yesterday, until this morning when I had a text saying: 'it's not on, it's really cold and wet now and it will be dark, I'm driving anyway so it makes no difference to me, and is much easier for me, but will put them out, and so I should just pick them up as usual'.
I really don't want to fall out with the mum or cause issues for my dd, as the dd can be quite moody, but I'm pretty hurt that the mum can't see it from my point of view, especially considering I've never before asked for anything in return.
I know the mum works really long hours, and I know she worries about her dd walking in the dark, (even though she's allowed to go out in the dark at other times), but at the end of the day I'm doing them both a favour, and I've never asked for any contribution or anything in return (& wouldn't as I'm going there anyway). Even when the mum comes we take it in turns to buy a coffee, and I wouldn't expect her to pay for mine anyway (that's not why I'm helping them out).
I'm doing it because they're/we're friends, it helps them and is a nice thing to do plus we're going there anyway.
I also always drop them off at their house; I just wanted that bit of breathing space before the club.
AIBU to have asked them to come to me, and how do I handle it now?
I know what I want to say, which isn't printable, but I don't want to say something I'll later regret, and I really don't want to fall out over this, but I also don't want to be a doormat (my New Year's resolution is to be less of a people pleaser).
I've always been a people pleaser and hate saying no, so now I'm wondering if it was petty of me to expect them to come to me.
I also don't have many friends so can't really afford to lose the ones I do have.
Wtf? They said it's not on?- cheeky fuckers. They should be grateful. I wouldn't give them a lift at all from now on.
She doesn't sound like a friend, she sounds like a user.
Oh my goodness. You can do without a friend like that, if it comes to it.
That's hard to believe after all you've done for them!
@Letseatgrandma, that's what I wanted to text back, but realise that's probably not really the best way to handle it.
I’d just say that you are really sorry but you just don’t have the time available to pick her DD up so if she wants to continue with the club she needs to either walk to your house (and is welcome to come round early whilst it is still light) or sort out alternative transport.
I guess something like
I have extra commitments now on a Friday than when we started me taking DD and that plus the increasingly awful traffic of driving to yours It just isn't doable anymore. If DD can't come to our any time up until 6pm then I won't be able to take her anymore which would be such a shame.
“You coming to us is the best for me if you want a lift. It’s ridiculous that I have drive past my house after I’ve picked you up and then I’m extra stressed because I’m worried we’ll be late. Maybe you’ll have to look into alternative arrangements for getting to the club if you don’t want DD walking for a few minutes to mine,
Love and light, Whisky xx”
I'd just text back
To be clear I will not be able to pick you up from your house from now onwards. If you want a lift you need to be at my house at 6pm otherwise I will assume you are making your own way to club.
Do not elaborate or make excuses, it just gives something for her to argue with.
Dear Notfriend - unfortunately the current arrangement isn’t working for me. Going forward I am happy to take your dd to the club if she can be at my house by 6pm, however if she is no longer able to attend the club please do let me know. Kind regards Whiskeychaser.
Something like that?
Text back matter of fact you do not have time, either she walks or she arranges a taxi to yours, or makes own transport arrangements to the activity.
Do they go to school together? Can she just come back to yours straight from school? (If you're happy with that)
Regardless her mum is massively cheeky!! You need to tell her you've happily done this for X amount of time but you have other commitments on a Friday now and it doesn't suit you any longer and ask her to let you know if her DD will be coming along
Ask her why 15 minutes of her time ;walking) is worth more than 15 minutes of your time (driving)
"I appreciate what you are saying, however I no longer have the time spare to collect you on Fridays. I am always happy to give you and dd a lift to the club, and can usually always drop you both home after. However I am no longer able to collect you and dd from home. I'll be leaving mine at 5.55 tomorrow so see you both at mine by then if you want a lift"
my New Year's resolution is to be less of a people pleaser
Can I highly recommend this book (I was recommended it from here, hence my screen name)
The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k: How to stop spending time you don't have doing things you don't want to do with people you don't like (A No F*cks Given Guide)
If I were you I would rehearse what you’d like to say once you’re calmer (I would be so annoyed with her utterly ungrateful and presumptuous behaviour too!) so that you can have a reasonable conversation with her when you next see her. Explain how you feel you’ve been more than generous and that it doesn’t seem fair for them to ask you to do more for them. I’d be surprised if she could defend her behaviour in person but if she does then as PPs have said, she’s not a friend she’s a user. Good luck xx
I'd text something like "I am unable to come and pick you up in the car anymore, I get home from other commitments too late to manage that. I'm happy to drive you and dd but you need to make your own way to my house for 6pm.im sorry but it you can't do that, then I'm unable to offer any more lifts and you'll have to make other arrangements "
She's being so cheeky! Remember you're doing her a favour.
You don’t want to lose the friend you’ve got?
She doesn’t give a shit about your time, she’s treating you like a servant and acting like you should be grateful.
Come on OP, reach deep inside of you. You can do this.
One last of stopping the people pleasing is that you will lose friends. Except they're not your friends, they're parasites and eventually you'll be glad of it.
Tell her if she wants a lift then it's from your house at x time. Up to her. Don't engage.
Just keep repeating, that doesn't work for me, I want to leave as late as possible too, your house is in the opposite direction. Be at mine for six on Friday.
Do not engage further.
I think she's lost sight of the fact that YOU are doing HER a favour! She needs strongly reminding in no uncertain terms, or no more lifts.
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