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Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

(287 Posts)
justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 21:13:44

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.


TheCatsACunt Mon 19-Aug-19 21:15:40

No concerns for the emotional well-being of your kids, no? More of a financial niggle, is it?

finnmcool Mon 19-Aug-19 21:21:15

I noticed that too Cats. She's a stay at home mum raising your kids, not a member of staff you're paying.
She can date who she wants and that has nothing to do with the life choices you both made in her being a SAHM.

If you don't care about the relationship ending, why do you have a problem with her moving on?

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 21:21:20


Don't follow. My stbxw might be a lot of things but a shit mother is not one of them. Obviously the kids are totally abstracted from this and have no view of her private relationship. It's not like she's bringing the guy back home? Don't understand your point?

Kinkybutkind Mon 19-Aug-19 21:21:46

“best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out” ugh, what a horrid way to refer to your wife carrying, birthing and nurturing your children. You will be financially responsible for your children even if she divorces you, keeps the house and moves her new partner in... I think your priorities are a little askew here.

IAskTooManyQuestions Mon 19-Aug-19 21:22:52

the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out

TBH with your turn of phrase, Im not sure why she didn't leave earlier

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 21:23:56

Well actually she's raising OUR kids. And although she's not a member of staff neither am I a slave to fund her dating lifestyle.

Thanks for your input though.

finnmcool Mon 19-Aug-19 21:25:06

Cats was looking at your priorities, not the mother's.

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 21:25:19


Because every women on here who's husband has left her and torn apart the family is spoken of in the highest, most respectful terms.


TheCatsACunt Mon 19-Aug-19 21:26:06

It's not like she's bringing the guy back home?

So what does the fact that she lives in the family home have to do with it?

What do you think she should do- not date anyone until you want her to?

finnmcool Mon 19-Aug-19 21:26:50

Would you have a problem if instead of dating, it was girls nights out?
You are funding her because she isn't working, she's a SAHM.
What exactly do you expect/want in this situation?

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 21:28:19


Priorities don't mean I can't have other thoughts. Of course my children are the priority. As I am sure they are hers too. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to question other aspects of the separation.

Hithere12 Mon 19-Aug-19 21:28:29

If you have a problem with it then move out?

yeraballoon Mon 19-Aug-19 21:29:07

I don't follow? Is she asking you for extra money to pay for these dates?

Stressedout10 Mon 19-Aug-19 21:30:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Croquembou Mon 19-Aug-19 21:30:06

Honestly, this site. Imagine if these genders were reversed. My goodness.

finnmcool Mon 19-Aug-19 21:30:12

Don't @ me.
Your main issue in your op was a man, hence my comment on your priorities.
Did you read my last question?

SweatyUnderboob Mon 19-Aug-19 21:31:09

The thread title and initial post make it seem like the new man is involved way more than he is. She hasn't moved him in! YABU I'm afraid.

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 21:31:19


Frustration is that we'd agreed we'd stay in the house and leave our finances as they were until at least Christmas. I personally feel that it's too soon to be putting energy into a new relationship when there are so many other important things to resolve. Still living in the family home just makes it more visible etc. Given the name of this topic I am obviously asking for an opinion.

finnmcool Mon 19-Aug-19 21:32:40

She's not doing anything wrong and she's allowed to move on.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 19-Aug-19 21:32:44

I think that it's time to move on. You have another thread talking about residency etc for your children, it's clear that the current situation is untenable - so move it on. Start mediation to talk about what happens to the DCs, get the house on the market. Both of you living in the same house isn't going to work. Don't sit there and stew in it.

finnmcool Mon 19-Aug-19 21:33:24

As are you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 19-Aug-19 21:33:49

X post but why wait? She is moving on with her life (and it's not your business that she is doing so) so it's time to move on with yours.

yeraballoon Mon 19-Aug-19 21:34:07

Personally I wouldn't date someone while living with my husband but I think that's a separate issue to the money.

If you had asked if you were being unreasonable to feel upset as your wife had moved on more quickly than you, you may have had different responses.

FlyingByToo Mon 19-Aug-19 21:35:00

At some stage you agreed to her being a SAHM? How long ago was that? Did she give up an established career to do that? At that time you obviously felt that her being a SAHM was best for her and your children. What’s changed? Do you really think that asking your children to settle into a new regime of childcare with both parents working and largely unavailable weekdays would be in your children’s best interests while the come to terms with their parents split?

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