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..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

(231 Posts)
DML13 Wed 24-Jul-19 15:18:20

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

PrayingandHoping Wed 24-Jul-19 15:20:30

Sounds a good plan!

WhyTho Wed 24-Jul-19 15:20:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JetGrind Wed 24-Jul-19 15:21:25

Give her a date after your CS actually is to get her off your back, then say you had to go in earlier and things happened too quickly to let her know. You'll still need to get your DH onside though.

VivienneHolt Wed 24-Jul-19 15:21:35

Does your MIL live close by? If he told her on the morning, would she still be able to turn up on the day? If so, I think you need to really try to get through to your arsehole husband how important it is that he doesn’t tell her.

If she lives far enough away that she couldn’t turn up on the day then I wouldn’t blame you for keeping it secret. It’s not ideal from a planning perspective but that’s not your fault!

BlingLoving Wed 24-Jul-19 15:21:40

I sympathise completely with your issue but keeping this information from your DH is a disaster waiting to happen.

As you've asked him and her repeatedly not to behave a certain way, I'm not sure what the answer is but I'd be telling him that you're having a planned c section and you expect him to keep it from his mother as otherwise she'll turn up.

I'd also be putting gin place basic safeguards at the hospital - tell the staff on arrival that only DH can come in and be with you and/or receive updates. Basically, she can't burst in on you if the hospital won't allow her in. So get them on side.

timeforawine Wed 24-Jul-19 15:21:53

If he'll blab then i wouldn't tell him, especially if she can't respect your wishes. While i didn't have C section i did have a catheter so can imagine a little how you felt being barged in on.
Sounds like a good plan you have, just keep telling MIL you don't know yet, your midwife/consultant is monitoring

ThomasRichard Wed 24-Jul-19 15:21:55

YANBU but why on earth did you have another baby with such a disrespectful mummy’s boy?! How would he fancy you inviting your mum to see him with his todger out the day he has serious surgery?

Tallgreenbottle Wed 24-Jul-19 15:22:14

Tell him it's for a check-up appointment and he HAS to come with you.

PurpleDaisies Wed 24-Jul-19 15:23:07

I think it’s totally unfair not to tell your husband. I’d be livid if I was him.

pikapikachu Wed 24-Jul-19 15:23:09

I would give MIL a later date and have the baby "early"

Aquamarine1029 Wed 24-Jul-19 15:23:13

I fully sympathize, but how far away does your MIL live? Won't your big mouth husband just tell her the morning of? Honestly, your problem isn't with your MIL, it's with your unsupportive, fuckwit of a husband. That's the problem you need to sort out.

IAskTooManyQuestions Wed 24-Jul-19 15:23:32

@ThomasRichard - your comments are totally out of order.

PapayaCoconut Wed 24-Jul-19 15:24:04

Wtf??? Yes, you will have to lie to him if he won't respect your wishes. What a wimp. And your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

Confusedbeetle Wed 24-Jul-19 15:24:38

You have to get your husband on side to understand that you dont want any visitors at the hospital. Esp after the trauma of an emergency section she needs to understand tht she is welcome to visit once you get home. This is not a request. If he doesnt get it you need to tell him that you will ask the hospital staff to not allow her in. You cant do this by simply not telling him, he will tell her as soon as you go in. If he cant do that you will need to have a frank discussion yourself and say NO visitors in the hospital

GlitchStitch Wed 24-Jul-19 15:25:08

I'd tell him but say that if he doesn't respect your wishes or back you up then he won't be invited to the birth.

Shoxfordian Wed 24-Jul-19 15:25:30

I think you have a dh problem not a mil problem
Make it really clear that you don't need her to provide childcare first. Tell your dh the date but if she turns up and he doesn't stop her then tell him you'll know you're not his priority and you'll act accordingly

jamoncrumpet Wed 24-Jul-19 15:27:08

This is really dysfunctional and odd.

ISmellBabies Wed 24-Jul-19 15:27:15

Yanbu, you are gifting your incompetent spineless blabbermouth dh a way to respect your wishes while getting away with not capitulating to his mother again. It saves LTB. I hope it works!

Brefugee Wed 24-Jul-19 15:27:18

Do you think he'd tell her?

I would be very very explicit such as "if she turns up at my bedside like last time i will call security and have her thrown out, and if you protest, you'll be going with her"

And then tell him a date 2 days later anyway (if you really hink you can't trust him). And then afterwards, if you find out he's told her the date you can remind him that he is not to be trusted and you're never telling him anything ever again.

Blimey. Good luck flowers

sneakypinky Wed 24-Jul-19 15:27:55

Tell the hospital that as the PATIENT you do not give permission for ANY visitors to be allowed into your room - even if your DH says they are invited.

YOU are the patient. You get to decide who can come in. Tell the hospital staff not to let her in, and tell your DH that you will be telling them this, so if he invites MIL to the hospital she will not be permitted into your room.

AnotherEmma Wed 24-Jul-19 15:28:35

You have a DH problem, obviously.

Why did he tell his mother you were in labour first time around? Why didn't he wait until baby was born before contacting her? And when she harassed him for updates why didn't he ignore her or, better still, turn off his phone? When she turned up uninvited before you were ready for visitors why didn't he turn her away?

If my DH had behaved in that way (he wouldn't have) I would have been very angry and would have spelled it out to him - if he hadn't been willing to apologise and assert much stronger boundaries with MIL in future, our marriage would have been in trouble.

By all means keep your ELCS date a secret from him but it's a sticking plaster over the gaping wound in your marriage. Surely, as soon as you tell him you're going in for the ELCS (even if it's on the day) he'll tell his mother immediately and she will turn up, just like she did before.

Honestly though, if I couldn't trust my husband to respect my wishes for the birth, he wouldn't be my husband let alone my birthing partner!

ememem84 Wed 24-Jul-19 15:29:42

I’m in the tell him in the morning camp. But make sure you stress to the hospital no visitors other than dh. They can block anyone who you don’t want there.

TemporaryPermanent Wed 24-Jul-19 15:29:46

I can't imagine dh ignoring my wishes like this.

I would say to him that you are genuinely considering not telling him about the date because of this. It's that important to you. Write him a letter if you have to. But in the end, I'm sorry I would have to tell him. I'd ask the hospital staff to block all visitors without exception including him except him.

choli Wed 24-Jul-19 15:33:06

You sound remarkably self centered. The baby has two equal parents.

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