..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

[INeedAFlerken]

I would tell your DH this is entirely his doing for not having the balls to stand up to his mother, that he failed to back you and what you needed while you were in fucking labour with his child, so you are calling the shots in advance tonight. She doesn't get to know the date, end of. ANd DH is to tell her now she is not to appear at the hospital until she is invited. Or there will be serious relationship problems going forward.

Good luck, OP.

[Knittedjimmychoos]

Re being selfish....

To be a career you need to care for yourself first.
My Mil absolutely put my mental health at risk from her awful behaviour when my first dc was born. So did fil.
They also undermined and wounded dh, me and the baby.

Second time round they were not privy to it. They could not be trusted but dh firmly on side.

[billybagpuss]

I don't agree with giving her a false date, she will realise its a lie and may further damage your relationship going forwards.

You do need to sit him down, tell him you have no intention of telling him the date as you still haven't forgiven him for last time when MIL saw you with boobs out and catheter in and how would he like it if your DM saw him so vulnerable in hospital with all his personal body parts hanging out. As he has proven that he can't be trusted you will tell him on the day, unless he calls his DM and spells it out to her that she is not welcome at the hospital as you are having major abdominal surgery and need some space to recover.

[QuickThinkOfAName]

Also just wanted to say I had a planned c section after my emcs and it was a totally different experience. Obviously there are no guarantees but I found it very calm and different to the chaos of the emcs. Also my recovery was a lot easier and quicker. I'm hoping things will be similar for you

[hadthesnip2]

Only if you want a divorce.

[HolyMilkBoobiesBatman]

I can totally understand your reaction given MILs previous disregard for your wishes both in labour and so soon after major surgery.

However I don’t agree that it’s right or fair to keep this from your husband. You need to get to a place where you are a team and you can trust him to respect your wishes and your right to privacy in the immediate aftermath of major surgery.
As much as you try to justify your decision as being like ‘any natural birth where you don’t know when it will happen’ that argument doesn’t cut it here because it’s not like any other birth if one of you knows vital information that you’re intentionally keeping from the other.

[Idontwanttotalk]

I don't understand why you are having another baby with this man. He clearly doesn't give a toss for your feelings and cares far too much for his interfering mother's feelings. He needs to cut the apron strings.

You've explained your (very rational) reasoning and he just doesn't get it. I just could not be married to someone like that. He has little respect for you so clearly has no love for you either.

[GertrudeCB]

As an actual MIL I would loose all respect for my son if he put my wants above his wife's, especially at a time when she would feel so vulnerable.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

TBH your DH if he has a shred of intelligence will be able to have a stab at the rough window of time when he'll need to be off.

I would say to him that you absolutely cannot have a rerun of DS1 birth, and so you need guarantees from him that MILs visits and proximity will be on your terms.

Your sister will provide childcare (though if MIL is looking after DS1 she can't also be at the hospital, so you know, weigh that up).

[Parky04]

I would be very annoyed if I was your husband and the marriage would be in real danger, that being said I wouldn't tell my mother!!

[flumpybear]

Inthink you're only allowed one person in the OT for caesarean- but if it were me I'd tell her straight that the hospital are not letting you in, if you do come here her son will miss the birth of his child because of her as he'll be driving her straight home after the last time
Good luck!

[Pinktinker]

YANBU. The fact she ruined your first birthing experience like that is astonishingly selfish and disgraceful. Birth is already an undignified experience, the last thing a woman needs is her MIL’s unwanted presence! Your DH really should have told her to piss off at that point, I’d have found it so tough to forgive him for that.

I wouldn’t tell him either, I really don’t blame you.

[mamansnet]

I really feel for you OP, I had the exact same problem when I had my ELCS but not quite as bad as your experience.

I'd had problems for years with my MIL bullying me and so had told the PIL all throughout my pregnancy that they weren't to come to the hospital until I felt ready, but there they were, waiting outside as I came back from the recovery room - the worst hour of my life, btw.

I ordered DH to send them home until the afternoon - which he surprisingly did - but the next day, while I was feeling horrendous and just wanted to be left to sleep, he deliberately ignored me and the midwife and invited them. Then mummy was the priority until she fucked off home a few days later.

It didn't take long until things blew up and a few months later, I very nearly left him because of her.

Things are ok now, but I agree with pp in that you have a long term problem that needs fixing. In the meantime, I do think he deserves to know but if I feel even more strongly that, if he blabs, then he should be banned from the hospital too. Make that absolutely clear. You are his wife and his number one priority. Nothing and nobody should come before you (other than your DC1), and if he puts his mother ahead of you again now, then for me that would crossing the ultimate red line. Good luck.

[ddl1]

I wouldn't not tell him, tempting as it is. Would it be possible to get the support of your doctor/ hospital staff to say that you are not up to visitors, except immediate family?

[Banananas]

I think @Brefugee has a good idea, tell him a date a week ahead and tell him not to tell her, then if he does you know not to trust him with the real date.
Tell him to grow a spine.

[Somuchcheating]

Let us know how you get on!

[StCharlotte]

He has to be more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting MIL

This, this and more this.

as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role)

So get her to look after DC1 while you're in hospital? Then she'll have to stay at home won't she?

[LookWhosInTheRejectBin]

You sound remarkably self centered. The baby has two equal parents

Good job she's 'self centred', what with her DH's priorities being all wrong. 2 equal parents yes, and MIL aint one of them.

I feel I'd have to tell him OP, but like PP's have said, make clear to him that you will have her removed if she turns up. You're having surgery, and you have a right to privacy.

[dontfluffit]

I would tell my DH - It's his baby too. Fuck the MIL - Let her act like a dick - and tell the midwife NO VISITORS. They wont let anyone in!

[Di11y]

definitely give fake date to mil and read the riot act to dh that prioritising mils wants over the needs of your wife will not go well.

[ItsAlrightAlright]

The thing to do in these instances is to give her (and him?) a date of one week LATER!

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

Oh these spineless men! why didn't they just stay at home with their mummys!

[AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen]

What crap situation all round.
I totally understand why you want to protect yourself. I think maybe give him a date 3 days after your actual one. That will allow him to prepare work and means MIL will do all her organising around that. It also means you'll be home clear (hopefully) by the time that date rolls around.

[RebootYourEngine]

I would tell him a date a few days later and see if he can keep it from MIL. If he doesn't then he would not be invited to the birth.

What's MIL like in everyday life, is she as overbearing or is it just in childbirth?

[GummyGoddess]

I'd tell him the date, but with the caveat that if he tells his mother then your sister will be your birth partner and he can do childcare and wait until it's over to come and see you both. Plus I imagine your sister will do a way better job at keeping your MIL and other visitors away than your useless husband.