..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

[PapayaCoconut]

She is causing harm. Stress is really bad for you at this time and you really shouldn't have to worry about anything at all right now if it can be avoided.

I cannot even imagine what it must've been like to have your MIL there against your wishes at such s vulnerable time.

At a few days postpartum my MIL told me over Skype 'you're looking so much better now!'. I must've liked puzzled because DH chipped in that he'd sent some photos of us all to them, which I was not aware of. I was pretty annoyed about my appearance being remarked on in this manner. And the picture she was referring to was taken at 5 in the morning. I wonder what she looks like at 5am...

Anyway, I tell this anecdote because it's really nothing at all in comparison to what you're experiencing. And it still affected me!

[Hithere12]

YANBU but why on earth did you have another baby with such a disrespectful mummy’s boy?!

This. YANBU OP.

[PapayaCoconut]

You need to be clear you’re the bigger problem - say if you see here while you are in labour you will scream FUCK OFF YOU BITCH.

Whilst this sounds a bit radical, I agree. Your DH is scared of his mother. Make him scared of you in instead.

[wibbletooth]

If this is her last gc and there are others apart from yours do your sil(s) also feel that she invaded their births and could they be enlisted to help keep her away by spending the day babysitting or something for them so she can’t be there for you?

Get dh to tell you what his memories of the day were, and his over-riding emotions. Then ask what he thinks your memories, feelings and emotions are and if that’s what they should be. Hopefully he will waffle on about maybe being scared to start but then lots of happy things. Which is the point you get to lay into him and point out that he ignored it at the time and he’s conveniently forgotten now that the whole thing was marred by his bloody mother (and I would use that phrase) and that she turned the whole thing into a complete nightmare that is still haunting you.

If he tries to say that you’re mistaken, it wasn’t that bad, she didn’t mean any harm then get exasperated and say that he is still not listening, yes it was that bad, doesn’t matter whether she meant harm or not - she didn’t care because she was only focused on what she wanted and didn’t listen to you. Most women if they want another woman there want their mum, a sister or a great friend. Or a complete outsider like a doula. MIL do not usually feature. And that if she ruins the birth a second time, you will be stopping her from meeting the new baby for a month. And adding on an extra month each time she intrudes and gets in the way.

I might also be tempted to send mil a card - and tell her it’s coming and has the birth details in it. And then put the wrong date but also write that she didn’t listen last time and ruined the birth so this time you are spelling it out for her - she is not invited to the hospital before, during or after the birth. It is on your notes that she is not to be admitted. You have also notified security that she is not to be admitted and that if she calls dh thus taking him away from you and the baby that will be another reason to push back the invitation to meet the new baby.

Then point out that if she doesn’t agree to these terms you will be posting this on her Facebook and asking for volunteers from her friends to keep her away.

[Hithere12]

So his mother walks all over him and his wife lies to him. It’s not great is it?

Yeah she lies to him because he’s a massive mummy’s boy who can’t be trusted.

[Singlenotsingle]

Can't understand why MIL would want to be there anyway. When my DDil went in to have her dc, no way did I want to be there. Just said you know where I am, available if needed.

[Bobbiepin]

As much as I like PPs idea of telling him a different date etc it doesn't play out well for you. You'll end up lying to him for the rest of your lives or until it comes out.

You need to resolve the underlying issue that your DH has less respect for you than you deserve (which I appreciate is easier said than done). Have the conversation about last time and how it made you feel and tell him that MIL is not welcome. If he comes out with any of those phrases about previous DGC then reiterate that he is not respecting you.

Bottom line, if he cannot respect your need for privacy and dignity whilst you are having major surgery to bring his child into this world (I'm also assuming there are extra issues in play hence the doctors suggesting ELCS) then he is no longer welcome to be a part of it. Have your sister as a birthing partner or any other trusted friend, and he will be allowed in once you are settled in post natal. Could be the next day, you'll see how you feel. If MIL is there too, neither will be allowed in.

Bottom line, your birthing partner is there to advocate for you and help you feel safe and calm. If he is not able to fulfil that role, he does not get to play it.

[Chakano]

Leave him at home and take your sister with you. Call him when you've had baby.
If he isn't going to stand up to her it's his own fault.
Does she generally involve herself in your lives, it can't just be this incidence.

[Moragen]

Being married twice I have had two sets of in-laws and none of them acted like your MIL.

The only person who was a pest was my husband's boss. It was weird. He wanted to visit me in the hospital and wanted to bring all the office staff. (I had an emergency C section as well). My husband told him I didn't want visitors and so the man went out and bought a polaroid camera (30+ years ago) and wanted my husband to take pictures for him.

We had to take our little one week old baby into the office for the boss to cuddle. And cuddle he did. I've never seen anything like it. I think he made more fuss of that baby then the baby's own grandparents did.

[K1ssIt]

You say he doesn't get it and says things like "she's been there for all the births" ?

If he's listening and paying attention to you then he damn well should understand how you feel and not insist on making excuses and hinting at him allowing his mother to come to the birth.

When he says his siblings allowed her at their children's births and making other arguments of why she should be there that's him telling you her wants are more important to him than your rights.

It sounds like your dh isn't respecting your wishes and isn't telling his Mother how you feel so she will keep expecting the level of involvement she's had because nobody is enforcing any kind of boundaries.

The fact that you don't feel able to tell the man you share your life with when his child will be born because he won't respect you shows something is really off here and it sounds like mil is expecting this much because your husband isn't telling her it's not ok.

I'd invite her round for a chat and tell both her her and your husband together how you feel and make it clear that you are the patient and it's up to you who's there during your surgery. If they start pressuring and coercing you to change your mind or if your husband shows he won't advocate for you I don't think I'd allow him there either rather than lie about the date. You told the staff last time you didn't want mil there but she was allowed anyway, if your dh was your advocate and allowed your wishes to be ignored and the fact he isn't backing you up now and is trying to override you before you even get to the birth, I wouldn't trust him not to do it again.

How can he claim to love and respect you and treat you like that?

[Brefugee]

all the PP saying "oh but that is lying to DH" - you do realise that OP will actually tell him in the end and he will be at the birth, right?

Because all I'm seeing is "be honest and rely on the hospital staff" (who are in no way understaffed and overworked) to keep MiL out. And what happens if OP wakes up and MIL is there? I simply cannot imagine what I'd do but I do know that there would be shouting and cursing involved. And that wouldn't be right in a hospital.

I liked @wibbletooth 's scenario up there. Be honest. Be firm. And reserve the right to tell everyone that MIL is to be nowhere near you until you say she can.

[Smiler88]

Why dont you just have a frank conversation with your MIL saying that your last birth was traumatising and you want space to recover afterwards so dont want any visitors at the hospital? No if, no buts. Its your baby, your surgery your decision. You could say to her "DH said yod be so excited you couldnt resist coming to hospital - this is me saying you need privacy to bond and recover and will let her know when youre ready." If your husband is being a wuss just address the situation woman to woman. She cant just turn up then, and if she does you can ask her leave as youve already told her! Id emphasise this is a decsion about you and your well being, not her.

[Blueandredandblue]

I would sack them both off, and ask your sister to be with you

[Jamiefraserskilt]

Mil could not give a stuff about you. This is all about being number one to meet your baby.
As others have said, he either keeps his mouth shut or your sister will be with you and he watches your other child.. Also speak to staff about banning visitors from the ward.
You must tell him that the experience last time has left a lot of anger and resentment towards him and her and you simply will not be subjected to that again. You want him there to welcome his child but will stand firm for your right to privacy afterwards.. Mil will have to wait as the rest of the family will. I would have thought your dh as other child are more important than mil visit.

[CookPassBabtridge]

I like the idea of telling him a fake date, having strong words with him about not telling her and then seeing what he does with this information.

[Purpleartichoke]

I live outside Britain, but here, visitors can’t just come into the maternity ward. They have to check in and that means you can have the nurses deny anyone access. That wouldn’t stop her from sitting in the lobby and calling his cell constantly, but she could not come into the room without your permission.

[siring1]

"Make him scared of you in instead."

That's the worst piece of marriage advise I've ever seen

[Fullyhuman]

I’d ask my sister to be my birth partner and ask H to take the day off to have DS & lie about the reason. Then i’d phone him once the baby was born.

[squee123]

Tell your husband it is one day later than it is. Also tell him to take the day before off as hols as you have an exciting surprise planned for your last day before baby arrives. Drop child off to your sister ready to head off to your exciting day and then say "suprise! no need to wait another day! Baby is coming today!". If he complains a) ask what could be a better suprise than a new child and b) point out that if he was better at respecting your wishes it wouldn't have been necessary.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Yes I’m sorry I don’t think this will work either. Planned sections mean waiting around for hours and being delayed etc She’s going to have hours after your husband is aware of the date of c section to get to the hospital and annoy you. As PP said she managed it for a spontaneous birth so why wouldn’t she for this one?

[Figgygal]

Treat him like an adult and tell him when his child will be born and the consequences of him telling his mum

[PanamaPattie]

Don't tell him - he can't be trusted.

[SinkGirl]

I didn’t realise DH and I were totally equal in our roles before our twins were born - it’s news to me that DH carried one of them for 7 months, then had a botched spinal, had the baby cut out of him and has suffered severe physical issues for the three years since...

Silly me! How did I forget that?

[dontdoubtyourself]

You really need to spell it out, as he will shift blame onto his mother for turning up and not take responsibility for telling her.
Make it clear you will only trust him with this information if he keeps it to himself, as otherwise he is prioritising his mother over you when you are in a vulnerable state and it will do permanent damage to your marriage. He needs to listen, take you seriously, and not dismiss you.

[Brefugee]

Treat him like an adult and tell him when his child will be born and the consequences of him telling his mum

The problem with this being that the scenario of the first birth might be repeated?