..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

[Cheby]

I would give a fake date to DH. 3/4 days after real date. Read the riot act. See if he does blab. If he does, don’t tell him the real date and ask your sister to be your birth partner.

Definitely be very specific with the hospital about access. If they’re told to keep someone out of the delivery suite then that’s a serious thing and it should be complied with. Plenty of safeguarding reasons certain people have to be kept out of delivery suites.

The more difficult part for the hospital is when you are on postnatal and there are general visiting hours, because she can probably just tailgate onto the ward behind other people. However, if you’ve given a specific instruction that she is not allowed, no midwife should tell her which room/bay you are in.

[merrymouse]

I don't think your plan will work. Presumably your DH will know when you are actually having the c-section, and if she managed to turn up at the hospital for a spontaneous birth she will manage to turn up at the hospital shortly after a c-section.

However, if you are having a planned c-section you should be able to find out whether it's possible to brief hospital staff about visitors and be completely clear with your DH about when she can visit.

[IvanaPee]

God your dh is awful!

I don’t know how or why you put up with that sort of shit. How unattractive!

[TripleTKA]

Could you give the date of the actual c section as your pre op date, so DH has to come with you but he won’t know it’s the actual op until the day (and then only tell him when you’re preparing to go into hospital and ban his phone!)
Could you also stipulate to MiL (again) that you would not like her or anyone else to attend the hospital and as soon as baby is born DH will FaceTime and send some pics so that she’s not last to know or whatever it is that she wants that makes it so urgent for her to see you post op!

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

I would tell the hospital that she’s not to be let in under any circumstances. Tell your dh that too.

You’re giving birth and are allowed privacy. Why do other people think they can override your feelings? How would your mil like you attending her hysterectomy or whatever. It’s so out of order.

[Derbee]

I think you should tell your DH the date, because it’s his baby too and it’s a big day.

You must tell him that his mother is not to come to the hospital, and you want it to be clear. I would say “your mum is not welcome at the hospital. Would you like to tell her that she needs to stay away, or would you prefer I tell her?”

I would then make sure that she understands that she is not welcome at the hospital, and you will be asking all medical staff to refuse ALL visitors.

If this is not something that your husband can accept, tell him that the alternative choice is he stays at home and looks after your child, and you take your sister to the hospital. As you will be refusing ALL visitors, he will lose his right to access in the hospital along with his mother. His choice. Simple

[M0RVEN]

He doesn't seem to get this

You are wrong, he gets it perfectly well. It’s just he would rather upset you than upset his mother. That’s your basic problem. So you need to arrange things so that HE is inconvenienced rather than you.

Otherwise he will never change. Because he cares a great deal about his own feelings and convenience.

[Derbee]

But what a ridiculous situation to be in. Married to a mummy’s boy sounds hard work

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

I'd tell him the wrong date... if he blabs to his mum you can then tell him, as he can't be trusted not to tell her you'll give him the exact date on the day. I'd be furious at my dh if I told him not to hell his mum and he did

[thecatinthetwat]

When the people around you behave so badly, it can make you do crazy things. This is one of those times.

Plus I can’t see how your plan will work when mil lives so close to the hospital.

I would advise 1) speak to your consultant and make it clear you do not want visitors. Check hospital policy if necessary, write to them.

Or 2) do not have your dh as your birth partner.

Your plan will cause you more stress and anxiety in the build up to the birth and will not necessarily work.

[JamOnTheCarpet]

Those suggesting the OP gets the MIL to do childcare... Presumably she'll likely use 'dgc wanted to meet her/his new sibling' as an excuse to show up at the hospital anyway. Better for her to know nothing I think.

[TheBeesKnee]

The thing is, if you lie about the date, you can bet she will spin this to make you out to be unhinged. So as tempting as this is, it's a terrible plan which will backfire on you, your HD already doesn't give a shit about your dignity and comfort.

You need to manage this intelligently as you've chosen to have a second child with this mama's boy for some unfathomable reason, so your options really are to work with the situation you've got, or go nuclear and end your marriage. You'd be better off doing that long before the birth so that you can arrange a new birthing partner and tell hospital that you're not with the baby's father and don't want any of them visiting.

As I doubt that you'll end your marriage over this, I would tell her the date and give her the job of looking after DC1. Brief staff to keep all visitors away. If she says "ooh I'll pop in with DC1 to see the newborn" just say "yes what a lovely idea, we will call you to let you know when you can come down."

That way she will feel involved and you will have the time and space to prepare yourself.

[blackcat86]

What @JamOnTheCarpet said plus DC1 will then witness the whole debacle.

[thecatinthetwat]

Btw, some hospitals don’t let kids on the mat ward due to infection risks. Could be worth checking policy if you go down the childcare route.

[Chocolatedaim]

I remember your post about MIL after your first birth, it sounded horrendous and she didn’t get it at all, so I don’t blame you for expecting a repeat performance.
Unfortunately I think your plan will really hurt your DH, and despite the fact that he is unable to stand up to his mom, he doesn’t deserve that.
I don’t know what you can do. If you don’t trust your DH to follow your wishes you have much bigger issues.

[redkitesobright]

I would sit down and have a conversation with your husband about how low you felt regarding your last birth. If he can't get on the same page as you then I wouldn't tell him the date until the last minute. Your the one doing all the hard work and your partner should be there to support you not be putting his mother first.

[PonderingPanda]

I think strong words with DH. Then give him a fake date and see how that pans out.

How will you know if he's told her though? Will she be unable to hide the news that she has been told?

So maybe give a date for the day before your planned date as then you'll know for sure if she has been told.

[Whatsername7]

I would go straight to your mil and tell her she is not to come to the hospital. Tell her you are telling the nurses to let no one in but your dh and your older child. Then tell your dh on the morning that there has been a cancellation and you are going in. Be absolutely resolute and tell the midwives not to let her in. I had to do this when my mil insisted she 'had' to see dd2 the day she was born, no matter how late, because she had seen all her other gc on their birth day. I said no. Dd1 would come to the hospital, everyone else could wait. MIL said 'we will see'. The nurses were amazing - they told me they would get security to refuse her entry. I told her this and she dropped it. She met dd2 5 hours after we got home having been invited to the house.

[Inarightpickleandpreserve]

I would do exactly what Whoknewbeefstew said, exactly that

[SandAndSea]

Can you tell her, in a brief, straight and not too harsh way, that you won't be telling her the date this time because you want to be able to focus on your delivery your way, without interruptions and indignity?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Tell the hospital staff they are not to admit anyone without your permission tell them you have an overbearing bully of a MIL and you do not want her there. They will put your wishes first.
Then tell your H and MIL that, because they are ignoring your wishes, you have given the hospital instructions to bar MIL from the room, so she needn't waste her time turning up: she won't be admitted and might even find herself marched off the premises by a security guard.
Sometimes, standing up to bullies this forcibly; ensuring that they cannot get their own way by any means, can make them treat you with more respect in future. Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to shut the bully out of your life.

[Chakano]

You need to tell him that because he has no backbone and tied to mummies apron strings you won't be able to tell him the date, unfortunately.
Not many people could be with a man who thought so little of them and put their before their wife, I know I couldn't.
Show him this thread, maybe that will get through that thick skull.

[Juells]

choli
You sound remarkably self centered. The baby has two equal parents.

There's no such thing as equal parents when it comes to childbirth. Only one person is doing all the grunt work.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

You need to come up with a plan together. I'd suggest like PP have said to get him to tell her a date a week later. Also tell hospital that she cant come in. He should have more of a backbone I think its awful he didn't chuck her out the first time

If you keep quiet about it there is a risk that he will tell her as soon as he finds out and she will turn up

Or would getting her to look after your first child help or would she still find a way to get in

[Herocomplex]

So his mother walks all over him and his wife lies to him. It’s not great is it?