..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

The biggest problem with giving the husband the wrong date is that, as soon as he knows what's actually going on, he WILL phone his mother and she WILL turn up.

Since that's a given, it's far better to have the "lay it on the fucking line with a big hammer" chat with him along the lines of "she will NOT be coming, she will NOT be allowed in, I'll have the hospital call security to escort her from the premises if she dares turn up and if you try and let her in I'll have them take YOU away too".

Absolutely talk to all the staff at the hospital, every time, about how you can NOT have her there, she caused a lot of trauma last time and you're damaged by her presence so they must keep her away. Make sure it's on your birthing plan, in your notes (front cover, not inside) and I liked the idea of a laminated sign you could give to the ward staff!

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this - what a nightmare for you - and all because you have a kipper for a husband (spineless and twofaced)

[hyperemesiscansuckit]

Agree that not telling won't work as he'll just tell her on the day. If he really can't respect you or stand up to his mum then I wouldn't even have him there.

[Yesicancancan]

You need to talk about serious this is.
This is an example of how much loyalty he has for you. I’d be straight talking just like you have here.

[justilou1]

Sounds like he’s not a listener... I would use that to my advantage. Give him AND his mum the wrong date, then blame him for getting wrong because he never listens to anything you say!

[Mumofone1860]

I know this is a silly thing to say when your about to have a baby but if you have to keep it a secret and confiscate his phone your DH definitely has an issue that needs addressing. Also why does your MIL feel the need to massively overstep? So confusing and so sorry you went through it with your first child.

[TapasForTwo]

Confiscate his phone or remove his SIM card from it if he continues to behave like an arsehole.

[PurpleDaisies]

Confiscate his phone or remove his SIM card from it if he continues to behave like an arsehole.

How is the op supposed to do that? He’s a grown up (albeit a fairly useless one) not a child.

[Conkeee]

Shocking you would consider not telling DH. Also, can we stop calling DH a mummy’s boy. You wouldn’t call a woman names if she was close to her mother. It’s pathetic tbh

[Conkeee]

And some of the advice given out like confiscating his phone is abuse and would never be tolerated if a man was suggesting it about his wife

[plasterboots]

@PurpleDaisies I'm with you but so many others seem to think that's acceptable behaviour. Imagine the other way Round!

It's his phone, the problem should not be solved by confiscating anything, he's hot a child. Or should OP consider he has time on the naughty step whilst she delivers their baby?

[plasterboots]

*its not his phone

[Dieu]

It seems mega controlling on both sides, but needs must I suppose.

The thing is, you SHOULD be able to tell your husband; this kind of thing is always going to come up in future. Are you also going to keep all momentous occasions from him in future, in case MIL turns up?! I would give him this last chance to respect your wishes, instead of infantilising him by telling him on the day.

[Sn0tnose]

I don’t think that there is any point giving your mil a later date if she’s only 20 minutes away because as soon as he realises it’s the date, he’ll phone her and she’ll be there within the hour.

Find a time to talk to him when you’re unlikely to be interrupted and tell him that you know the date but don’t want to tell him because his mother made it such an awful experience last time and badly damaged your marriage because you no longer trust him. Tell him he’s putting her wants over your needs and if he were to do it again, you would consider it to be the beginning of the end of the marriage. Make him understand how awful it was for you and how disrespectful he was. Use the vasectomy analogy. See what he says and then make your decision from there. You can’t realistically take his phone off him.

The next time she asks for a date, be honest. Tell her you know the date but that she ruined the first birth for you, so you have no intention of telling her this time. As you said, requests to stay away have fallen on deaf ears, so let her see that there are consequences to her actions.

As pp’s have said, make sure the hospital staff know she’s not allowed entry, but be prepared for the fact that she still might barge her way in and you’re going to have to be very firm about telling her to leave. Could you arrange for her to ‘babysit’ your eldest for the day so you can relax, then have your sister on guard so if she does turn up, your sister can shoo her away?

Essentially, all of this is just a sticking plaster over the fact that he puts her before you. If you can’t make him understand how wrong he was, he’s going to resent you for denying his mother what she wants and she’ll capitalise on that.

[Ragwort]

I’d love to know if there are any MILs on Mumsnet who feel they need to be present at the birth of a DGC and why ..... I can’t imagine any reason at all why I would want to go to the hospital when my (theoretical) DIL & DS have a baby. I completely understand that it is much more likely that the DIL’s DM might be needed to be around and my role is to wait to be invited to meet the baby at the new parents’ convenience, which might be visiting at the hospital but more probably at home when they have had plenty of time to recover from the birth and absolute shock that parenting brings. As the mother of an only DS I am extremely conscious that I must not be an interfering MIL .

[Hotterthanahotthing]

If she's only 20 mins away then she can get there as soon as you tell him so wrong dates won't work.
You can't take his phone because he won't be able to take pictures.You can't gets phone signal inmost theatres anyway.
Tell the theatre staff so that only your DH is with you in the recovery room.
Tell the midwives and remind them when they take you from theatres to the ward.
And yes to words with your husband about putting your needs before his mum's.

[Awalkinthepark1]

Grow up.

[crosspelican]

@WomanLikeMeLM - her point is that this is exactly what happened last time. She had her MIL barging into the delivery room when she was undressed with a catheter. The reality is that this is going to happen again.

[AE18]

I think if you can't trust your DH to respect your wishes then you have bigger issues than your MIL. You shouldn't have to hide information from him like a child. You should just be able to tell him frankly you do not want her to know and you do NOT want her there, and you expect him to protect you and make sure this happens, because it deeply upset you last time.

If I was in his shoes trying to prepare myself for this big change and someone knew when it was going to happen but wouldn't tell me I wouldn't let it go and it would probably cause no end of arguments.

[7yo7yo]

What would happen if you were to
Tell
Your mil that due to her spoiling the birth of your first child you will not be telling her the date of your elcs?
How would she respond?
I think
Your going to have to look after your own needs because your DH isn’t!

[Geronimorlassie]

That you are asking this question is just absolutely horrid. You need to set some boundaries with your husband.

[ispepsiok]

Why lie? Just be absolutely firm with your husband, the birth of your DC has nothing to do with your MIL, she wasn't there at the conception and isn't needed at the birth.

He needs to prioritise you, his wife, and what you need whilst giving birth to his child. If he can't tell MIL she isn't welcome and mean it, then he can stay home with DC1 and your sister will go to the hospital with you as she is supportive of YOUR NEEDS.

[GabsAlot]

OP i might have got the wrong poster but are you the same one that posted your mijl just barged in the room whilst you were coming round and you had complications

[storm11111]

here is a sarcastic little speech for him if you decide to go full aggression this made me so mad for you!

"I am so lucky to have the kind of husband who when his wife is literally having her stomach cut open in life threatening surgery and delivering his child, he is more concerned about making sure his mother doesn't feel 'left out' and making her wait until we get home to meet the baby. Never mind his wife's safety, dignity, privacy and peace of mind, god forbid we hurt his mothers feelings."

[crispysausagerolls]

What would happen if you were to
Tell
Your mil that due to her spoiling the birth of your first child you will not be telling her the date of your elcs?

This

[SuzieQQQ]

My mil begged to be at the birth of my first child. I just looked at her like she was crazy, laughed and said there is no way in hell that is happening! She was terrible in every way after I had the baby. Didn’t lift a finger and was generally judgmental a d up in my space. I hid in my room basically until she left.