..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

[EnterFunnyNameHere]

Maybe give him a choice before telling him the date? I.e. "I know the date, either a) I tell you on the 100% promise you will not tell your mother, or b) I don't tell you at all.

Make it very clear if he picks a and DOES tell his mother he will not be present at the birth/ your life either!!

[pallisers]

you are going in for abdominal surgery and your dh is wittering on about his mum's needs. He needs to get a serious grip on priorities here.

I would tell MIL a date 2 weeks later - just to get her off your back.

I would sit dh down and say he has a choice:

1. Be told the date. If he tells his mum, your sister will be coming with you and he will be minding dc1 and you will refuse him entry to the operating room.

1. Not be told the date so he isn't tempted to tell mummy.

up to him. I also think you need to make sure he realises that this event is about you and the baby - no one else. not him and certainly not his mother. he is there to support you and the baby.

[pallisers]

You sound remarkably self centered. The baby has two equal parents.

Is the baby giving birth??? No. The woman is giving birth. Actually having her abdomen cut open by a surgeon as it happens. But god forbid she actually centers herself in her own surgery. Selfish bad woman. It is all about the men you see - even when you are having surgery. God I hate the way so many people hate women and can't even disguise it.

[OpheliaTodd]

What Pallisers said ^

Honestly though how can you still love/respect/fancy a man like this? Either he puts his mummy’s feelings above yours or he’s totally spineless. I couldn’t stay with someone like that.

[ConkerGame]

I agree with everything @pallisers has said. Would he even be the best birthing partner given you’d have to monitor his phone use the whole bloody time?!

[qwertpoiuy]

She should mind your older child instead of your dsister

[QuickThinkOfAName]

Listen I've been there with the shitty emcs but this is so weird.

I can't imagine being in a situation where I would have to consider hiding something as important as the birth of our child from my dh.

What is he like in other respects? Does he let mil ride roughshod over everything? Or is it mostly grandchild based?

Obviously you have a much bigger dh problem but I guess the more pressing issue is the birth.

I would have to go with the telling him but if he blabs neither of them are invited to the birth. But fuck me what a position to be in.

[LittleDoritt]

It's terrible that you can't trust him to respect your wishes and put you first. No way would I tell him.

[Howyiz]

As others have said you need to have a strongly worded conversation with your husband where he is left in no doubt as to your wishes for the day and the fact that as you are the person giving birth, your wishes trump his mother's or his!
If you do decide to tell him. I would tell him a day or two earlier. That way if he does blab you will know in time to put a stop to it. If he doesn't blab you can tell him the consultant changed the day.
Tell your mil a date a few days after.

[avalanching]

I think it's quite dysfunctional you don't feel able to tell your DH the birth date of your child.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

FWIW I do think your DH is entitled to know, but as the person who is the patient in a major medical procedure then you are equally as entitled to call the shots when it comes to YOUR hospital care.

In your position I'd be having a Come to Jesus talk with my DH, telling him exactly what you've told us on this thread, and that you've seriously considered not telling him to avoid being pestered in your hospital bed by his mother. Two suggestions above from PP are very helpful: Firstly, ensure the hospital are aware that no visitors are to be admitted, and make your DH aware that you've already nstructed the hospital to this effect. And secondly, for the avoidance of conflict, the best suggestion is JetGrind's. Give her a date a week late.

If your issue is child care then it would make life altogether more easy if it were possible for you to make alternative arrangements.

Congratulations

[thedayofthethreeMagnums]

It's an absolute disgrace if you have to, but no, not BU at all to want it.

I agree with other posters, now should be time to put your foot down once and for all.

You are not BU to have whoever you want around you!

Worst case scenario, will you prepared to tell your MIL to get the hell of of there? I would, but some people find confrontation harder.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

I would have to go with the telling him but if he blabs neither of them are invited to the birth. But fuck me what a position to be in.

I thoroughly agree. Sending you a hug OP, if you'd like one.

[formerbabe]

I wonder if you can give the hospital specific instructions that you do not give permission for her to visit you?

[Aworldofmyown]

I would give her a date the week after. I tell him if she turns up on the actual day he will be told to go home with her. Be very clear and firm.

Also when you tell her the date I would tell her then very firmly that you do not want any visitors at the hospital - tell her its not a discussion and again be firm.

[Oneworld]

Tell your DH that MIL is welcome to see you in full display provided he too lies there in full display. That should clear the point for him. I would have gone mental the first time and kicked her out. DH would have heard so much, that he’d not dare ask again.
Also, It’s not about what SHE wants, it’s about what YOU want.
May be you could strike a compromise OP? Could MIL come in after a few hours so you get a chance to cope and cover up a bit. May be just for 15 mins? That way she sees her grandchild in the hospital and she gets off your back?

[HJWT]

Dont tell him yet AND tell the hospital and every staff member that comes into your room you are only allowing DH in the room NO other visitors until you tell them its ok! Then she won't be let in xx

[Chocolatelover45]

Hmm.
I get that she is excited and that DH does not understand how vulnerable you feel.
I have a similar issue - DH simply does not get why I don't want his mum present for the birth. How many women have their mother in laws there for the delivery - I bet it's hardly any. And in the days before mobile phones they wouldn't have expected any updates either.

However you need to be able to rely on him. I suggest having a proper discussion and don't diss his mum, acknowledge that she is excited etc, but emphasise that she has had her turn, this is yours, and you will welcome her with open arms once you are ready. You can't get rid of the inlaws so you really have to try and frame things in a positive way so that you can manage the relationship to your advantage.

Tell him you have the date but you are worried that if you tell him he'll tell his mum and she'll turn up. That gives him the option to accept your wishes or be kept in the dark.

Out of respect for you he ought to agree not to tell her anything until you are ready. Once you are over the initial recovery, she should be allowed to visit within reason, and he can look after her whilst you rest in another room if need be.

It may also be worth having a word with MiL yourself. It may be better to come across as assertive rather than taking avoiding action. Perhaps remind her that when she gave birth to her son, her MiL wouldn't have been there or getting constant updates, and ask her to please just wait for news? Try the old shit sandwich routine where you tell her something nice before and after this as well. I think this works really well where in laws are worrying about being left out and thus start trying too hard. If they feel relied on and needed and trusted to behave supportively they may be less likely to act unreasonably.

[timeisnotaline]

When you are talking to him say you know the date but you aren’t sure of telling him because there is no way in hell you are giving birth with your mil there. You need to be clear you’re the bigger problem - say if you see here while you are in labour you will scream FUCK OFF YOU BITCH. and if he does the she doesn’t mean any harm etc etc repeat she is not pushing this baby out of her vagina. I am. And she is causing harm. To me and to our marriage. I will only tell you if you swear on your babies life you will not tell her - we can tell her another date. If I see her then we will need at best marriage counselling and I’m not responsible for what I say to her and I don’t care if she never ever forgives me.
Obviously do tell hospital and midwife she cannot come in, including the midwife when you arrive for the birth but it sounds like that’s not foolproof.

[LilQueenie]

You sound remarkably self centered. The baby has two equal parents.

No there is a parent putting the needs of her and her child first and one that can't stand up to his own mother for the sake of his wife and childs needs.

Best thing is to tell the midwife what has happened and how you feel so they can prevent anyone else coming in.

[separatebeds]

I agree with the ones who have suggested giving a later date and then having to go in 'early'. They won't accept not being given a date.

Don't bother trying to make your husband not tell his mum. You already know he will tell her. Its too late for trying to turn him into the man he is not.
Do whatever you need to do to have a decent calm birth experience and leave husband and MIL to themselves.

[lboogy]

I had this same issue. I only wanted my mum at the hospital but since DH wanted things to be fair I had to have his mum there as well. His mum was ringing him for minute by minute updates. Bloody annoying.

I'm not sure lying to your DH is a good idea. Chances are once the baby is born she'll turn up and you'll have the same issue. I think you need to tell her to stay away - you say your DH has no backbone but it seems to apply to the both of you.

This is child number 2 so the novelty should have worn off. She needs to respect your wishes

[StillMe1]

I feel your pain
I had a weak h (now exh) who did as his mummy dearest told him. Sounds as if you have a similar set up.
I could not get through to h that he does not do as his mummy tells him any more (he was in his 40s) He never once stood up to his mummy. I told him, I told his family. I even made it clear that I was not happy and there was going to be trouble. In the end the only option I had was to off load the h.
If I had my time over again, I would have come down harder and faster on the h and his family.
You must do what is best for you but be very careful. You have to get your husband to see that he is backing his mum against you with all his excuses on her behalf.

[Knittedjimmychoos]

Op you have a major dh issue here.

I cannot believe the pull from his mother's need to get to another gc birth is over riding the sense of spousal duty to his wife about to have a potentially life threatening operation.

It's disgraceful.
Utterly shameful.

He's not listening to you and it almost seems he is more excited about this imminent baby because of his mum.

Midwife and ward are not sure fire way of keeping Mil out! Shift changes, emergency etc. It's not a vital piece of info...

Mrs p in bed 4... Has useless dh and batshit Mil they can't control they want us too!

[lmusic87]

I agree, you need to talk to your DH very seriously.