..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

[DontTalkBloodyDaft]

Just tell the ward that you don't want to see her and they won't let her in.
It really is that simple.

[Bourbonbiccy]

Exactly what TemporaryPermanent said.

I couldn't imagine my husband disrespecting me in this way and I definitely couldn't imagine not telling the date we are due to have our baby.

I would tell him the date, make it crystal he isn't to tell anyone and block everyone from the delivery room on the day.

[M0RVEN]

I think its a good plan. Yes you have a DH problem but you cant fix this is the next few months, its a long term issue.

You are the patient not DH - your body, your choice.

Also you need to tell the hospital staff that you don't want her to visit. They don't need your life story, just that she had behaved inappropriately and you don’t wish her there. Ask them to write it on your notes.

I’d just stop circumnavigating her and leave DH to deal with her.

[Tavannach]

I think as the patient you have the right to refuse visitors. Just tell your MIL that's what you'll be doing.
You have to have conversation with your DH about how strongly you feel about this.

[megletthesecond]

I understand where you're coming from (fellow shitty EMCS recovery due to visitors here) but he needs to know.
You'll have to read him riot act about not telling his mum the date and certainly not allowing her to visit post op . I stopped visitors for my second section so I could recover properly.

[ChihuahuaMummy1]

When I went in to he induced my df came to bri g me some things and the midwifes wouldn't let him past the front desk due to their policy. Definitely tell the midwifes to disregard any visitors unless theyve spoken to you.

[Witsendagain]

Having been in a similar situation:
Tell your dh BUT tell him if he tells mil he is out (of labour/ of life - whatever you feel justified).
Tell mil she is not welcome. Full stop. And if she arrives she will lose contact with both children and yourself.
Ask dsis to do childcare as first option.
Tell hospital that under no circumstances is anyone bar your dh to be allowed near your labour room or on your ward. If you need to tell them it's a safe guarding issue.
If your dh goes against your wishes, change instructions to the hospital to not allow your dh in either, have your sis as birth partner instead as dh will be available for childcare!
Good luck 🤞

[M0RVEN]

You might need to threaten you husband that you will have your sister as your birth partner and he can stay at home and watch the kids.

[Nesssie]

YABVVVU

he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too ffs listen to yourself.

[poopypants]

PurpleDaisies
I think it’s totally unfair not to tell your husband. I’d be livid if I was him.

He brought all this on to himself. He was not there for the OP when his dm was barging into the delivery room last time. He was weak and ridiculously spineless when his dw was giving birth. His dm has no boundaries adn thinks of no one but herself and he didn't step up. HE would be livid? What about the fact that the OP was beyond livid for what HE did to her last time.

OP, I would instruct the hospital that your MIL is not stable and must be removed on sight. Physically if necessary.

[ChicCroissant]

That would be an awful thing to do to your DH. You are so focused on your MIL that you are losing perspective a bit OP.

[DML13]

Hi
Thanks for responses. MIL lives 20mins from the hospital. She could get there on the morning if he did blab. However will do as advised and stipulate no visitors to the hospital - although this did not seem to work last time, and fair enough, midwives have enough on their plates without policing entry to delivery units. I like the idea of sitting down to conversation with DH and reading 'riot act' and that he must keep date secret from her. I also like the idea of giving alternative date to MIL to just keep persistent text messages at bay/tell her the obstetric team have yet to decide date etc. Thank you all for the ideas - I note comments asking why DH won't respect my wishes, he uses phrases like 'but she has attended the hospital for all grandchildren births' and 'she is just so excited, this will likely be last GC' and 'she means no harm, she wants to have a role and feel needed' - well I don't need her near me and I don't find her constant interest charming. This is not a reality TV show and I value privacy and to save my sanity, would rather she weren't there. He doesn't seem to get this.

[TuesdaySunshine]

I think it's pretty awful not to tell him. But it's also completely and utterly awful that he can't be trusted not to blab to his mummy. Honestly, what is wrong with these men? In your shoes, I think I might use this as a starting point to have a proper conversation about his mummy issues, i.e. 'I know the date but I'm not going to tell you unless you take this problem seriously'. Because this needs addressing and it's not like you're going to have the time and energy for it with a newborn (and also because the arrival of a newborn is going to set off all kinds of MIL idiocy).

[TuesdaySunshine]

Sorry, crossposted with you, OP.

[Breathlessness]

From what you’ve just posted she’s going to be there. There’s no way he’s not going to tell her.

[IdaDown]

Perhaps offer DH a choice.

1. Keep his mouth shut and attend the birth.
   
2. Blab and stay at home with DC.
   

At least with 2 you won’t be policing his phone use...

[Witsendagain]

@choli
Yeah, but only one of those parents is going through a serious medical procedure and, as such, has the exclusive right to decide who is present during and immediately after her surgery.

[AllFourOfThem]

I think you should tell your DH but make it very clear that he is not to say anything to your MIL. Also add onto your birth plan that you do not permit her to visit you whilst you are in the hospital.

[cuppycakey]

I totally get you OP.

My XMIL barged her way into the delivery room when I was having DC1. The fact it was supposedly a secure unit was no match for her.

It was bloody awful Luckily DC2 was 2 weeks over and she was on holiday

I would tell her Section is booked for a week later, and tell DH on the day (after flushing his mobile down the loo) Great idea to say that if MIL turns up, he will be asked to leave.

This really should have been sorted ahead of time though and you do have a DH problem that needs sorting. He has to be more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting MIL

[iolaus]

Many hospitals you need to go in for preclerking the day before, could you make it sound like thats what you are going for on the day of the section (so sounds like the section is a day later) - then that morning let him think he got it confused

[picklemepopcorn]

Can he come with you to an appointment where you discuss with staff how important it is to you that no one else is allowed in? That you need privacy and peace, and how would they recommend you manage it?

Sometimes people take it more seriously when you are telling a third party than when you speak directly to them.

I'd definitely tell her a date two days later, by the way!

[GPatz]

@choli

What's the problem? DH will be there. Most DH's don't know exactly what date labour will begin.

[sneakypinky]

@choli but the DH isn't the one who will likely be bleeding from their vagina with a catheter in having just had major surgery.

If the person who has just GIVEN BIRTH doesn't want visitors until they're ready then that's up to them.

[clicketyclick66]

If she wants to have a role and feel needed, she can travel to your house and mind your ds1 while you are in hospital.

[Kanga83]

I would tell him the date. Also with an elective c sec, it's a bit different (I've had one). You end up on a side ward to theatre with one person, from really early in the morning. I had to be there 7am. The surgeons prioritise the ladies for the electives but you are second to emergencies so you may not actually have your baby that day. I was last on list due to my complications with my first emergency c-sec so they wanted to allow a longer time, so I didn't have my baby until 5pm. I don't see how you MIL would be allowed in to be honest, however we also didn't tell PIL for similar reasons.