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AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

(499 Posts)
4dogs Sat 20-Jul-19 07:02:56

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

SabineSchmetterling Sat 20-Jul-19 07:06:02

She needs to make more affordable plans. You should have your cataract operation.

InfiniteSheldon Sat 20-Jul-19 07:06:10

No, it's totally unfair on your other dc

PancakeAndKeith Sat 20-Jul-19 07:06:35

No you should not help her.

Someone should sit her down and talk to her about financial priorities.
The only wage coming in is her part time, minimum wage job? They are lucky they can keep a roof over their heads let alone spend several thousand on a wedding.

How old is she?

timeisnotaline Sat 20-Jul-19 07:07:52

Christ no. Have your cataract operation. Try and be sympathetic to her dream wedding rather than you spoilt moron, but don’t give money you don’t have spare, can’t afford for his or your other children or your own wedding, and say nicely this isn’t going to work, what are your options?

coconuttelegraph Sat 20-Jul-19 07:08:16

I don't think anyone should plan a wedding they can't afford to pay for, in the situation you've described no way should you be using your savings. Stand firm, in this case if she's old enough to be getting married she's old enough to pay for it

PancakeAndKeith Sat 20-Jul-19 07:08:27

Why are you paying for your cataract operation though?

Dec2019mumtobe Sat 20-Jul-19 07:10:17

I don't think you should pay for your DSD's wedding but I also don't think you should have to pay for eye surgery! The NHS should be funding it!!! Won't they fund it?

PerkyPomPoms Sat 20-Jul-19 07:10:53

Have your operation, she needs to sort out something. Tbh it may be a blessing considering her dh to be, who isn’t working cos he didn’t feel like it, sounds a waste of space

Sparkletastic Sat 20-Jul-19 07:11:08

Are you not in the UK OP?

Howlovely Sat 20-Jul-19 07:11:32

Her lazy boyfriend needs to get off his arse and get a job to pay for their wedding. If that means postponing until they can afford it then so be it. Getting married isn't a right. You have the wedding you can afford. What next, they'll have a child they can't pay for and expect you to cough up? No way.

Tigger001 Sat 20-Jul-19 07:11:54

Does your husband have any separate savings or is the 2.5k all your savings ?

I can understand why you would be reluctant to do this as he has other Children and you have your own and may be setting a precedent.

Also could her husband go back to work to pay you back? Surely he should be out working if they need money,

I think also due to waiting on an eye op, I would probably (sadly) have to say no.

Fruitbatdancer Sat 20-Jul-19 07:12:09

We gave 3 k for my DSD wedding to her lesbian lover. The wedding never happened. We never saw the money again and my DH won’t wake her and her now Boyfriend about. So don’t get me bloody started.
Have the operation.
Don’t be me!

SnuggyBuggy Sat 20-Jul-19 07:12:18

No you shouldn't pay. She needs to grow up

Whatisinaname1 Sat 20-Jul-19 07:13:10

No way, have your op. If you were planning to give her a gift of money after the wedding as a present then i would offer her this now.

She needs to get a 0% credit card or loan. What about her fiance and their family? Maybe if everyone in close family gave any money presents now Instead of after?

Alsohuman Sat 20-Jul-19 07:13:48

Having recently had (life changing) cataract surgery, for me it’s a no brainer, but if you have no sight in one eye, why isn’t the NHS treating you as a priority? I paid because life’s too short and I didn’t want to wait but the NHS would have done both mine - eventually.

I don’t really understand the precedent point, she’s asking for a loan.

BeanBag7 Sat 20-Jul-19 07:14:17

No your definitely shouldnt bail her out. This is not an energency. She was stupid to plan a wedding she couldn't afford- was she anticipating that her dad would pay for it as is "traditional"? Or is she just bad at budgeting?

Also it sounds like she has no intention of paying it back if her mum was going to pay back half very slowly.

I also think it's really rude that she got her mum to ask on her behalf. Looks like shes embarrassed to ask herself because she knows shes being unreasonable.

billybagpuss Sat 20-Jul-19 07:14:33

Obviously agree with other posters that your eyesight should come before helping someone who clearly got carried away.

However what is the cancellation policy this close to the event. If you refuse/are unable to help will they still be liable if they try to change it for something more modest.

Could you guarantee a loan, in that case you would only be liable if she defaults and it does give you more time to find the money if necessary?

stucknoue Sat 20-Jul-19 07:16:52

How much is she contracted to pay? If she pulls out does she owe them money or will she get something back? So close to the date they will probably insist she pays - I would lend the money on condition the boyfriend gets a full time job first and pays it back £300 a month so you can have the op early next year - but make sure ex isn't also giving money and insist on going over their budgets to look for savings first

SilverNewMoon Sat 20-Jul-19 07:17:05

It's not your responsibility. It baffles me that so many people (women...) are willing to spend a fortune on a wedding, just so they can feel like a princess for a day. Complete waste of money, it's much better to spend it on something that isn't just a party at the end of the day. My wedding was about £500 and I'm just as married as someone who spends £50,000.

Your dsd needs to be an adult and solve/learn from her own mistakes.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies Sat 20-Jul-19 07:17:36

You can’t afford this. It really is that simple. And it doesn’t sound like the three grand will be the end of the demands anyway.

jaseyraex Sat 20-Jul-19 07:17:42

YANBU! Have your eye operation. It's not up to you or her dad to pay for the remainder of the wedding, they should have booked a wedding they could actually afford. How is her or her fiances credit rating? Can they not try and get a 0% credit card or a proper loan from the bank or something? If not, they should be postponing or booking something else.

RoxytheRexy Sat 20-Jul-19 07:17:54

If you do it for one then you should do it for them all. My MIL gave my SIL £4000 towards her wedding. We got nothing. It was 2 years ago and I’m still annoyed

4dogs Sat 20-Jul-19 07:18:34

She’s 22. They have a housing association property and claim benefits (not sure if they declare their earnings or not). Last night DH was talking about borrowing money/taking it out of the business because he thinks she will go to dodgy lenders and it will all end up badly. I’d rather give him my savings as if he takes a loan it will cost us more and I don’t think taking money out of the business at this stage is a good move.

I think DSD is living in a fantasy world, she had a hen night recently which involved a night away, her fiancee is a complete idiot, drinks a lot (is currently on his 2nd drink driving ban), no one thinks she should be marrying him but they all keep quiet as don’t want DD to get upset/angry. DH’s ex has not told her live in partner that DD needs all this extra money and plans to keep it secret from him and other DD!

My instinct is just say no but maybe I’m being harsh and would feel differently if it was my DD? I don’t want to fall out with DH over this but last night when he said DSD would end up borrowing from potentially dangerous loan shark types out of desperation I felt over a barrel, almost blackmailed into agreeing we should give her the money.

PirateWeasel Sat 20-Jul-19 07:19:26

Your DSD and her mum are being ridiculous. If they need to come begging for money, they can't afford a posh wedding. Didn't they budget?? If the groom is unemployed for eff's sake they should be postponing and getting him a new job before chucking money they don't have around! Honestly, are people really this thick?? Have your op, OP. A life-changing operation versus a one-dsy party... Hmm!

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