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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 20/07/2019 07:38

I think you need to say no. Just say you don't have the spare money, which is absolutely true.
She's been very silly but I think from the tone of your post that if you had, say, £20k lying around, you probably would help her.
But you don't, and you can't.
Would she really want you not to have your surgery for this? If she's reasonable, she wouldn't, if she's a bit of a brat, which let's face it many of us are at 22, she will actually be way better off in the long term learning this lesson than she would bring bailed out.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 20/07/2019 07:39

I would offer our help in trying to negotiate a cheaper or toned down wedding with suppliers but I wouldn’t give them the money.

EvaHarknessRose · 20/07/2019 07:41

I think tell your dh that you understand he is tryingto be a good dad, but this wedding is going to cost more than that, and what is he going to do when she comes asking for more and he can’t borrow it. He needs to keep his own boat afloat, and he can help her by talking directly about good choices now. Keep your safety net. Money is not the answer for this couple.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 20/07/2019 07:41

YANBU. Don’t give them the money!
If you give in with this then what else will you be expected to “help out” with in the future?

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 07:42

Thing is, OP, it looks as if her dad’s going to lend her the money anyway, whether it’s yours or he takes it out of his business. Won’t she have to cough up for the wedding in any case with only a month to go?

FatimaLovesBread · 20/07/2019 07:42

Where in the UK are you? That doesn't sound right about the Cataracts, my mum had both her eyes done and they were no way near that bad. Her optician had to refer her

IveNotSlept · 20/07/2019 07:43

I wouldn’t give them the money. She is 22 and booking a big wedding she clearly can’t afford. If she wanted such a big wedding she should have waited several years and saved hard like normal people do. Her cancelling the wedding would be an important lesson and may also mean she doesn’t actually end up marrying a loser. Nothing good will come of giving them the money, don’t do it.

Original poster
4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:43

I had started to think I was being a bitch to think we shouldn’t bail this wedding out so thanks to everyone who has made me feel ok about it. I have a horrible feeling DH will somehow come up with the money for her and that will cause tension between us because I think he should just say no. Wedding being cancelled (forever lol) would be DH’s preferred option as groom to be is manipulative, lazy and unpleasant. DSD is smitten with him tho and will not have anything bad said against him, she’s always got an excuse for him. I think the relationship is unhealthy, he literally phones and texts every 30 seconds or so if they are not together, apparently tells her she’s ugly and lucky to have him etc etc. He made zero effort to earn money while she was pregnant, he tends to work part time for a few months then has a few months not working. They always seem to have money for takeaways etc tho. It’s all a mess, I have tried to stay out of it all as I’m rather blunt, have zero tolerance for fuckwits and don’t want to cause trouble between DH and his DD.

OP posts:
Atalune · 20/07/2019 07:43

I forbid you to give your money away

Obviously I can’t do that! I am a perfect stranger but you really shouldn’t. You need your eye operation. FlowersSmile

You wrote upthread that no one wants to upset her. Why not? Sounds like she needs to be upset to make her see sense.

You can’t afford to give it. You don’t want to give it. Don’t give it. Don’t.

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 07:44

It is right @Fatimalovesbread. Mine were both so bad I couldn’t drive and they were only then at the point where i’d go on the waiting list. If you only have one you don’t even get seen.

AdoraBell · 20/07/2019 07:45

As pp have said, no. Your eye sight is more important. I wouldn’t even tell her that you only have 2.5K, just say that you can’t afford to lend money.

As for your DH, yes he is using emotional blackmail. Put it back on him and ask why he didn’t teach his DC about budgeting. I’m assuming he had some contact while she was growing up.

Original poster
4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:45

FatimaLovesBread, both optician and GP have told me this is criteria for cataract removal where I live.
I had a private consultation, I have an exceptionally thick cataract on one eye,
ironically caused by meds the NHS gave me.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 20/07/2019 07:50

She needs a reality check and to adjust her expectations asap. If her dad can get another £1000 together I would give it to her and get her mum to come up with another £1000. She may be able to get a loan for £1000 from normal means. I would also make clear that the amounts of money you have given her is a wedding gift so she doesn't be cheeky and expect another gift from you.

It is a hard situation to be in but means you should still be able to have the cataracts operation. At some point his adult daughter is going to need to stand on her own two feet and her dad will need to tell her that he can't bail her out all the time.

Original poster
4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:50

Atalune, no one wants to upset her because then they won’t see her and her ds. There is a very dysfunctional dynamic in the family. DH’s ex lies and manipulates to get what she wants and so do two of her DDs (other one is very sweet and lovely). DH is and always has been a soft touch when it comes to his children. He used to work very long hours 6 or 7 days a week to provide for them, sadly his work ethic has not rubbed off on them. He still works 7 days a week setting up new business. I think he will bail
her out and I will lose respect for him.

OP posts:
SuperSara · 20/07/2019 07:51

It's fucking ridiculous, OP, to put it bluntly. You're bonkers to agree to this - under duress or not.

Where will it stop?

Lend give her money now because otherwise she'll borrow it from someone else? What about next time she wants money? Tell her dad she'll borrow that as well, so you'll give it to her again?

You need to either put a stop to it or leave him, OP.

Seriously, this will not end well.

Atalune · 20/07/2019 07:53

Can the sister chat to her about her wedding?

What does mum think of the groom? I would encourage your partner to speak to his ex and present a united front to the Dd.

Original poster
4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:56

Sceptre86, her mum can’t come up with the money but says she will pay DH back half (£1500) a bit a week. She is engaged to someone who seems to have money but told DH she can’t tell him about this because he will be cross and doesn’t like the groom to be. This is typical of DH’s ex, it’s always lies, secrets and manipulations which is the polar opposite of me! I gave my DS £1k towards his wedding recently to treat him same as DSD. He did not ask for any help and they spent it on honeymoon. He and his husband have a lovely relationship, are both graduates, have good jobs and are saving for a house, they had a registry office ceremony followed by a nice lunch, wore suits they already owned and matching ties and wedding rings were about the only things they paid out for!

OP posts:
SummerInTheVillage · 20/07/2019 07:58

Stick to saying no, OP.

sneakypinky · 20/07/2019 07:59

No.

We're getting married soon. We don't have much money so we're going to the registry office then the pub.

If you can't afford a £60ph wedding then you don't have one.

She sounds daft as a brush and it sounds like it'll end in divorce anyway, her DP sounds like a worthless tit.

pumpkinpie01 · 20/07/2019 08:01

She has planned a wedding she can not afford so she has to deal with the consequences of that, scale it down or get a loan. Her useless h2b needs to get a job ,why should anyone else be expected to fund his wedding when he can't be bothered to work !

username678889 · 20/07/2019 08:01

Good god no this woman has ideas above her station . Works part time and wants to spend money she hasn't got on a wedding . Madness say no and she will need to scale down the wedding.

Nautiloid · 20/07/2019 08:02

I like a pp's suggestion of saying no but offering her help to cut down on the spending in any way possible.
She needs to learn now and get out of the fantasy world or she'll be stuck like this for years.

Original poster
4dogs · 20/07/2019 08:03

Atalune, sweet sister is a bit younger and DSD would pay zero attention to her.
DH and his ex can’t present a united front because ex thinks DD ‘must’ be helped out with this. I’m not entirely sure what DH thinks, I think he is torn. He says she should have wedding she can afford but I think he will bail her out cos he is soft like that.
Now I’ve discussed it on here I will not be donating my savings (I came up with the £1k we gave her previously).
I do not even have an engagement or wedding ring myself as I lost them
on holiday two years ago (entirely my fault). I was hoping if DH was in a position to take a dividend from the business a new wedding ring would be in the offing lol.

OP posts:
leckford · 20/07/2019 08:04

Don’t guarantee a loan, she will not pay and you will end up coughing up for a high rate loan. Say sorry can’t afford to. She needs to cancel.

LadyRannaldini · 20/07/2019 08:05

She's a month away so will be liable to pay the full price for venue, photographer, florist ect.

Exactly 'SHE will be liable', not her father etc. although it should be they, her and the boyfriend, who are liable. You'll spend forever bailing her out, she knew when she planned this cheap fantasy that she couldn't afford it.